Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Love My Wife But I Am Not Getting Enough Sex’
Hi RainbowMan,
I am a 43-year-old man and have been married for last 9 years to my high school classmate. We have a 5-year-old son. My wife doesn't seem too keen to have sex with me and on the other hand I am highly active sexually. After deciding to get married, we stayed in separate cities for a couple of years due to work, where she got emotionally involved with someone else. I did not know about this and we got married. She told me about her other involvement after a couple of years of marriage. I told her that I can forget it if she would too and I left it to her to decide whether to stay together or get separated. We decided for former. Then as well the sex was rare - once a month or so. I thought she would need time to forget her past, so I waited patiently. After a few years we planned for a kid - that was a period of 3-4 months when she wanted to have sex. But even since our child was born, the sex has not been something that she looks forward to. There had been various problems in her family for the last 2-3 years in which she was involved emotionally. I stood by her in all those difficult times. But this is bothering me now. I tried to talk to her about it and asked her if she doesn't like sex or if there is any other issue, but she says everything is fine. I know she cares for me. We do spend good time together, touch/kiss each other every day - I feel love, but no sex. Am I expecting something impossible?
Thanks,
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for being patient and understanding. In a world where women are despised for their affairs in the most brutal of ways, you are a welcome change. Let me applaud you for that.
The truth is that one can’t forget something like infidelity, however, one can work at not making lives difficult by always getting the past in the present by using it to deride our partners.
Sometimes people lose their interest in sex over time. Try speaking to her and reason with her. Is familiarity breeding contempt? Do you both need a change in surroundings and ambiance? Does your wife need a vacation, just with you and not with the responsibility of parenthood? Maybe, it is time that you ponder on these points. For your world to change, you may have to change the ambiance.
And yes, do not hesitate to see a relationship counsellor or a sexologist if the need arises.
Good luck,
RainbowMan
‘My Colleagues Get Over Familiar With Me’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 26-year-old homosexual man working with an advertising agency. I am out at work. However there is a peculiar problem I face at workplace. I am the show piece at work. I am gay so I automatically become an expert in sex. I am also supposed to be okay with people coming and asking me sexually explicit questions. Particularly, women colleagues feel it is their right to ask me who I have had oral sex with and which lubricant I use for anal sex. I don’t like this. Though I am diplomatic and avoid the conversation, I am actually not liking this at all. How do you deal with this over familiarity?
Fellow Gay
Dear Fellow Gay,
Firstly, let me thank you for living your truth out openly. In just living our lives, truthfully, we inspire many, sometimes unknowingly and sometimes unintentionally. However, people should understand that we are all not the same. We have enough diversity within the LGBTIQ community. And within the gay men community itself. And that we may be creative in our expression is one truth given the fact that oppression sometimes fuels creative expression, but that’s not the thumb rule.
We have people in all professions, people who dress as fashionistas and some who would just walk out in a pale kurta pyjama. Also, there are experts in sex and those who don’t believe in sex too.
Maybe, you should not run away when people ask you uncomfortable, annoying and disturbingly personal questions. I suggest that you tell them upfront that your sex life and love life is private and that you do not like speaking about it. You now live your sexuality openly, maybe it is time for you to even be open about your emotions and views on issues. Tell them. And tell them off.
I know you are disturbing the status quo of goody-goody-emotions when you are telling off people who are nice but annoying with you. But it is worth it. I have no problem with people asking their friends personal things per se, as long as their friends don’t mind telling them.
The spirit of true friendship stands in the principles of honesty. If one can’t respect your right to honest and vocal detest or dissent, may be they are not your friends at all.
Having a small but meaningful friendslist is always of great help.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 19-year-old boy in a college. I have an itchy sensation around my penis and it is turning red. Is this AIDS? How does penis look in AIDS?
ItchyWeeWee
Dear ItchyWeeWee,
Firstly, I am not a doctor,
AIDS (or acquired immune deficiency syndrome) is caused by HIV (or Human Immunodeficiency Virus). HIV is transmitted by unprotected sexual relationships, used/shared needles or from mother to child. HIV infection can only be confirmed through blood tests, not by symptoms alone. Also, the itchy sensation could happen due to many reasons, a general physician would be the best person to answer questions regarding that after a personal examination. Please visit one.
The doctor may suggest an HIV test for you, if they feel that you have had unprotected sex or have used shared needles. Just remember to open up about any unprotected or intravenous drug history with your doctor.
Again, let the doctor examine you and decide on future course of action.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBTQI community, women, children and animals.)
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