Sexolve 281: 'I Am a Grandmom And Now I am in Love'
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
AM I AN INTERSEX PERSON?
I am a 29 year old post graduate. The world told me I am a man and I am not sure about it. I was born with a small opening below my testicles. It lead to no where, but my parents thought it was just an outgrowth of skin or a birthmark. At the age of 14 I started getting blood in my urine. I was so scared to tell this to anybody that I didn’t. I also get stomach aches regularly and regularly every month. I started doubting my birth sex. While growing up, I read some books and even heard one of your talks where you spoke about Intersex. I thought I am an intersex. I am not sure of that either. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who should I love. I feel attracted to both men and women. I am bisexual. I don’t know if either of the genders will accept me when I am basically faulty in the sex department. I fell in love with a man… but I did never get to the point of having sex with him. He touched my penis with my clothes on and I ensured that I have sex just like that… wearing clothes. I am scared to show people my privates. I am really scared. Does this mean I will die early. Do I instead have blood cancer or something? Or is it periods? Am I a man or a woman. I am so confused. I am so scared. I don’t know who I can talk to. It took me a lot of courage to write to you. Please guide me.
Dear Crazy Sam,
Thank you for writing in to me.
Indeed, sometimes, just putting how we feel in words, is a courageous act. I acknowledge your courage.
I know that what happens with our bodies is something that we know better than anyone else. But when it comes to deducing what is happening, giving it a name and finding a solution, we would need an expert to diagnose the challenges that we are facing.
I request you to visit a queer affirmative doctor who could help with this. You could call Humsafar Trust on +91-22-26673800 and fix up for an appointment. This is an organization that has been working with the LGBTQIA+ community for more than 2 decades. They can help you with a list of doctors in your location.
Now regarding the matters of your heart.
Your sexuality is not dependent on your sex or your gender. You could fall in love with anybody.
It is true that there are many people who do not know the difference between sex, gender and sexuality. But remember, love can find us in the strangest of places.
You need to understanding our loved ones completely to love them, you need to love them to love them.
We will find love, we will find comfort of our loved ones. It takes time sometimes.
Besides your physical health, please do take care of your mental health also. Don’t hesitate to speak to a counsellor.
P.S. take care of yourself.
I AM A GRANDMOM AND NOW I AM IN LOVE
I am a 67 year old retired woman. I am now falling in love with a man who is 50 years of age. I have two grown up children and grandchildren also I wonder how my family would take it. Will they think I am obscene or selfish? My husband and I had divorced many years ago. How do I proceed with this? Should I proceed with this at all?
Dear Troubled love,
Thank you for writing to me.
Love is strange. It strikes us at its own pace and catches us at times we least expect.
But love is also a blessing. Love understands. Love listens. Love touches us in the most unique ways and can ensure that we win through the most trying of times. Give your heart a chance.
You are mother, a grandmother. You are a person with a past and a present. Your loved one can find a place in this too, if you want it to.
Age has got nothing to do with love. The 17 year age gap can be an issue only if it is an issue for you. Maybe, people will take time to understand. But as long as you are sure about it, and want to take this road, please drive on.
You are obscene and illegal only if you do things without consent or with a minor. Also, you are not selfish for looking after yourself. To follow your heart and to love back someone who loves you is the most courageous and selfless acts known to humankind.
Please take good care of yourself.
P.S. Give your heart a chance.
MASTURBATION MAKES ME IMPOTENT?
I am a 18 year old boy and I want to know if masturbation will make me impotent.
Dear Gentleman Thank you for writing in.
Every day millions of sperms are manufactured by our testicles. Of these only one is needed to enter the vagina and unite with the egg to make you a father.
Having said that, masturbate only when you are sexually excited. An excessive obsession of anything would be nice to avoid.
P.S. love yourself.
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