(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'I Want My Husband To Get Surgery On His Private Parts'
Thank you for all your columns. I have been reading it with great detail.
I have been having some issues regarding my husband and was hesitating to ask anyone. He has a weird penis. I have had sex before dating my husband and my husband doesn't know that. So I kinda know how penises look like and my husband’s penis is different and it is weird. He doesn't have any skin to pull back and I don't know how to bring it to him or deal with it. My previous boyfriend had a skin that went back and it was a fun feeling to pull it back and forth.
I am unable to do so with my husband’s penis. I don't like my husband’s penis. I want him to get an operation or plastic surgery or something to make it look better.
I wonder how he would feel about me telling him that? What is your bet?
Thank you so much for your kind words and your trust in me.
We all have ghosts in our past. Some of us are aware of them, some of us have buried these ghosts so deep that we have started thinking that they don't exist. But they do. They do exist in all our closets that we hide from the outside world.
As a gay man who has had sexual affairs with different kinds of men, I can share a secret with you - no two penises are exactly the same.
There are differences of sizes and shapes. I also gather that your husband may have a circumcised penis. Circumsision is a process where the skin that covers the top of your penis is removed through surgical intervention. It is done for various reasons ranging from religious beliefs to medical needs when someone has a tight foreskin or extra layers of foreskin.
I don't support the idea that should alter someone’s body to fit into the idea or to be desirable for another person.
But I do believe that sometimes we need to discuss what bothers us with our loved ones, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel. I don't mean to suggest that you should open up about your affair with your ex. I am speaking about telling your husband that you both need the help of a sexologist to spice things up in bed. Maybe when the sex is good, one may not bother about the kind of penis shape, isn't it?
P.S. I am serious about meeting a sexologist. Get an appointment.
'I Wish To Restart My Life'
I am a 37 year old widow. I lost my husband to Covid after 1 year of our marriage. I am now an independent woman. Living with my in-laws. I feel the desire to be touched and felt by a man. I found a boyfriend in my office. I didn't want to marry him, because I have lost my faith in marriage. And people tell me that marriage with me can cause death of my husband. However, I want to live in with him.
How do I convince my in-laws? I told my mother, she said that it is for my in-laws to decide as my single mom has given me off in dowry. What should I do?
A Young Widow
Thank you for writing to me.
Sometimes, death comes unannounced and unexpected, and shatters every dream and every semblance of sanity. I know it gets difficult for us to live a normal life after the loss. However, with time, we all need to come to terms with the reality of our lives - that life is not permanent.
I am glad that you are restarting your life and are looking at prioritising your desires and ambitions.
You are a person with emotions and with a life ahead. You have an identity of your own that is beyond your relationship with your late husband.
You should charter your own path - live in or marriage with the one you love.
You are not the consequence of your past. You are the essence of your present.
I do not believe that anyone who marries you would be losing their life. But then I also know that such deep rooted myths take time to eradicate.
I wish they do. I wish women are not treated as a furniture that is to be transported from one house to another with a ritual called marriage. I wish that we respect women and their desires and don't think that their lives need to come to standstill after their husband’s death.
I wish you love. I wish that you find the courage under your wings to take flight and perch on the tree of life that you so desire and deserve.
Do reach out to friends and extended family members who could be supportive and take charge of your life with that friendly circle acting as your safety net. We all need our own safety net.
Do feel free to visit a counsellor if things get so difficult mentally. I will also be here to read your mails and respond to them.
P.S. You are a good omen. Everyone is.
'I Don’t Like Anal Sex'
I am a gay man who doesn't like anal sex. So am I really gay? I feel like having orals and all that but is anal necessary to qualify as gay?
Thanks for writing in.
There is no litmus test for gayness. You are gay if you are a man who loves men and wishes to identify yourself as gay.
Fondness for anal sex is not what determines if one is gay. You could also identify as “side”. Sides are queer men who don't believe in anal sex. I urge you to read up.
P.S. You are beautiful the way you are.
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