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Sexolve 295: 'My Boyfriend Is as Old as My Dad'

In this edition of Sexolve, Harish Iyer covers abusive relationships, talking to family about love, and more.

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Sexolve
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(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)


Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As are below:

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'My Boyfriend Is as Old as My Dad'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29-year-old man who is in love with a man my father's age. My father is 70 and my lover is 70 too. I wonder if my parents will ever agree to a relationship of this kind. I really really want my family to like him. I am willing to go through any lengths for that.

My mother is a huge supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community and has seen your videos and talks as well.

She wants me to settle down she also knows my boyfriend but I don't think she has any clue that my boyfriend is not my “friend” but my real real boyfriend.

Can you please help me? How do I tell my mother and father and aunt that I am actually dating someone my dad’s age?

Troubled Soul

Dear Troubled Soul,

Thank you for writing to me and congratulations on finding someone to love you and for having a family that understands your sexuality.

To have doubts and fears are valid reactions. However, don't you think that we sometimes underestimate the power of love that our loved ones are capable of?

The truth is that people could have challenges in accepting who you are, who you love and how you love. But I have a question for you.

  • Does your love expand or deplete on the basis of the acceptance of your family?

I understand that you need the love of your family - their blessings, their acceptance. It is important for you to understand that:

  • Acceptance is not a destination, it is a process.

Let’s give our loved ones time to understand that love doesn’t see the limitations of caste, creed, religion, gender, sex, sexuality, or age.

It takes effort for the eyes of our mind to open to new realities that are not as common, but are valid. It takes effort to accept things that go beyond the stereotypes that exist.

I urge you to keep loving… keep leading with love. But also give time to your family to catch up with you.

There is no miracle in life that is beyond the miracle of love and acceptance.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. I have a strong inkling that your family is going to not only accept but love your lover.

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'I Am in an Abusive Relationship'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a lesbian woman. I fought with my entire family to get married to my girlfriend. I eloped and stayed and married my girlfriend. I don't care how it feels, but then, my girlfriend has now started seeing other people and she beats me up.

She tells me that I am fat and don't take care of my health. She hit me with a belt yesterday because I have gone chubby. She gets angry all the time.

She is having a relationship with someone else and she blames me for that when I found out. I am giving up on her and myself and my life. I am in a horrible place. How can she change from being a loving person to this monster. I am not able to understand. Please help.

Gone Girl

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Dear Gone Girl,

I hear you. I am listening. I am with you.

  • All love is good till there is respect. When the respect is gone, there is no love left.

Maybe she and you loved each other. But times change and people too.

  • While all is wonderful and nice when things are in the la-la-land of love, but when we start living together, we get accustomed to the real person minus all the charade.

Your partner has no right to raise her hand at you. Your partner has no right to gaslight you by holding you responsible for her going astray. Your partner has no right whatsoever to be emotionally violent with you.

This is your body. This is your life. Chubby or cutie, it is your choice. You dress up for yourself. You lose weight or gain weight for yourself. You are worth more than what others tell you you are worth.

  • You have to start loving the person in your mirror - YOU.

Please visit a counsellor. Have your emotional safety net intact. Your partner needs counselling, you need an emotional safety net.

Do consider moving out independently, if things come to that.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Please fix an appointment with a counsellor. Give your mental health that attention.

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'My Nipples Are Red in Colour'

Dear RainbowMan,

My nipples are always growing red in colour. Do I have cancer?

Worried Man

Dear Man,

Thanks for writing in.

I suggest that you get your body examined by a general physician to begin with. Please don't delay. Such questions will need a physical examination.

If the general physician decides they can refer you to a specialist.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. No more delay, please. Please book yourself an appointment.

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