(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
'I Am Agitated by the Pride Month'
I am a closet man. I am very agitated when this month comes every year. Everything turns rainbow and I feel the pressure to be out.
I feel angry when people ask me why I am single. I fear being alone and I fear the thought of being scared all the time in a world that bullies me.
One of my friends also asked me why I am not coming out. I ask them back - coming out about what.
To prove a point, last pride month, I beat up my classmate who was feminine. I teased him when he was in class and when he was passing by me and saying Hi in a feminine way, I took him to the varanda of my collage and gave him a punch on his face.
'I don't want to be gay or so visibly gay. I want to tell the world that I am straight and I want to stop people assuming that I am gay. '
I have slept with men. But who doesn't sleep with men. I have felt romantic towards men.
I have never slept with women. I am a closet person. I dont want to be public or get anyone to assume that I am anything other than straight. Please help without giving me a lecture. I did what I did to protect myself.
Dear Woe Man,
Thank you for writing in.
Sometimes the fear of fear is greater than fear itself.
You are what you think you are. You are what you know you are. Your truths cannot be altered by a month. Your truth stands the test of time.
I know that the fear of others knowing our truths could scare us when we are different.
Especially when we know that this part of our truth could be despised. It can be painful when we realise that more people belong to a smaller group of people who continuously fight to be a square peg in a round hole.
We someties retaliate with insults to the smaller group of people, simply because we want to be counted in the majority.
Because we assume that the majority is stronger. We also assume that the smaller group will be attacked all the time. They will struggle all the time.
Have you ever tried the power of imagination and visualisation. I urge you to close your eyes and imagine a world where people who are different are accepted, people who are different and belong to a smaller group are strong and live in self identified communities.
They live in a nation that protects their rights and there are poeople who love them despite the fact that they are different.
You dont hate people who are differnet. You hate yourself for being different.That's where your hate comes from.
You know what is the opposite of love? It is not hate. It is indifference. As long as there are people we hate, we are still in the same line of love, just on the other side of it.
Have you ever tried speaking to a mental health professional. You will realise that sometimes speaking to a stranger helps us understand ourselves better. I am certain that you will feel better too. It may agitate you in the first few sittings, because uncomfortable truths about yourself will stare at you, but eventually it may end with acceptance.
I dont see you as a queerphobe. I see you as someone who is strong enough to accept that you have done something wrong and want to work on yourself to be better. And believe me, you will not only be better for yourself but have the potential to stand up for others too.
You are greater than you think you are. You can rise from the hate for yourself and for others.
Your truths are yours to keep. They need no validation from anyone. They are yours.
Please take care of yourself. Your hate is self destructive. Please write to me with the name of your city if you need references of counsellors. Please feel free to write to me if you need any help. Let's transform hate to love and compassion. For others, but mostly firstly for yourself.
P.S. I love you
‘My Boyfriend Has a Boyfriend'
I am a 29 year old woman in Punjab and I have a boyfriend who is one year older to me. I realise that I am now in a triangular relationship. I have a boyfriend who has a boyfriend.
They both love each other and sometimes when he spends more time with them I wonder if my boyfriend's love for me will dwindle.
I also feel anxious because my boyfriend is away in London with his boyfriend, and his boyfriend is a older and is able to give him more attention and time, and sometimes I feel inadequate to give him that kind of love and attention.
I think he will leave me for his boyfriend. I know his boyfriend. He is my friend too. It is not a clandestine relationship. I knew about it all through. I love both of them. Dont want to leave either. What do I do now.
Dear Triangle Love
Thank you for writing in.
I am glad for the love you have found in life. But sometimes, we need to assert ourselves and tell poeple we love what we feel really feel and not leave them to decipher what is happenning in our minds.
They know us, they love us, but they need to be told. Love could make the world go around and love could go all around the world too, in a case like yours.
Tell your boyfriend and his boyfriend what you truly feel. Tell them what you agreed for and that you are uncomfortable with how it is maturing.
Tell your boyfriend what your needs are. What are the assurances in love that you need. Tell him that merely love is not enough, if merely love is not enough for you. Ask and listen what your boyfriend wants. Check on him and find out if he really loves you. Check if he really loves his boyfriend.
Relationships are like polymorphic puzzle pieces. You arrange the pieces of the puzzle differently, and you may see a new picture altogether.
Maybe it is time that you three place the pieces of the puzzle together in a new way. Where you recaliberate your relationship in a way that is beneficial to all three.
Maybe, you both have your own space in your boyfriend's life. Maybe, you both should not be a triangle but two angles that meet sometimes. Maybe you both need your own individual spaces in the relationship and a recaliberation of what your expectations are in the relationship.
Take care of yourself. Please see a counsellor.
This is not easy to share love. But it gets easier when you know that you are not threatened and you have someone to hear you without prejudice. That's the job of a counsellor.
P.S. Take care of yourself.
‘Can Someone Become Queer'
Please tell me if I can become queer? I mean can someone become queer in life?
You are who you are. You are who you think you are.
You cannot become LGBTQIA+. You are just LGBTQIA+ if you identify as LGBTQIA+
P.S. Q stands for questioning too.