SEXOLVE 283: 'My Son Has Come Out as Gay'
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'I Am a 78 Year Old Man. I Am in Love With My Son’s Wife'
I am a 78 year old man. I am in love with my son’s wife.
She is also in love with me, but basically, our age and society complications push her away.
My son had passed away 6 years ago and his wife lives with me and her son - my grandson.
What we have been doing is not something that has a name. Can we call it love? Can we call it lust? Should this love be deemed immoral and illegal?
It hurts to imagine that our love will never have the sanction of the society.
It is not that we were forced into it. It just means that we both love each other. We didn’t fall or even think about falling in love. It just happened.
Today, she and I have a healthy relationship. But the axe of people’s opinions, when they come to know about this is scary. I am scared that I will be judged and people would opine against us.
I have seen much in life. I can deal with this. I am scared for her. She doesn’t have friends. She doesn’t have anything else except me. She has no one from her parents' side. Everyone thinks we are a loving family.
Just that the love is not just about loving your family thing but also there is something deeply intimate and sexual. I am seriously at the last leg of my life. I will die and leave my loved one alone to be judged.
Dear Old Love,
Thank you for writing in to me. I know it must have taken you some amount of courage to do so.
And to love, is a courageous act. To love the love that the world stands against – even more.
You and your loved one are adults and you are thinking adults. You can make the best decision for yourselves. The public perception will wary. Not many may understand or even approve of your love or your life. But they are not the ones who are living your life, or living her life.
Not all love is validated by society. Not all love needs validation from society. Love is only and should only be validated by those in love.
We all should ensure that we have our people who we can speak to. Our safety net is something that we all need. So its okay for you to be concerned about your loved ones safety net when you are not around. But maybe we underestimate the ones we love.
Ever thought - maybe she would be independent even after us. I know we need to be there people. I know we need to be our loved one’s safety net. But most positively, we need to be our own safety net. So let your loved one know you will be there for them, but they are not your responsibility. They are their own responsibility.
Independent lovers also make great lovers.
Let us make space for our loved ones. And let our loved ones find space for themselves in this world and in our lives. We don’t need validation for love. We need love.
P.S. Kuch toh log kaheinge. Logon ka kaam hai kehna.
'My Son Has Come Out as Gay'
My son has come out as Gay. I am 50 and my son is 19.
When I told him to give me time to accept his sexuality, he flared up and started screaming. Then ever since, he has got his boyfriends home.
I saw him make out with his boyfriend in my house. When I intervened and told him he should not do it under our watch but go out and do whatever he wants, he flared up again.
I am fed up,. Am I being a bad mother? Did he turn gay because I was a single parent? I wonder.
Dear Mama Gay,
Thank you so much for writing in. And thank you for holding space for your son and for not rejecting his sexuality just because you didn’t understand.
To unlearn that heterosexuality is the only form of sexuality could take time. Unlearning the 'absolutes' that we assume sexuality is - takes effort. You asked for time to understand. That’s reasonable.
Your son needs to be reasonable too. I know the world has more acceptance for LGBTQIA+ people today. But you belong to two worlds. The world that had no understanding and the world that understands well. You will take time.
A person doesn’t 'come out' alone. The whole family/and friends 'come in' to the realisation of our different ways of love and that the person here loves differently, though the love is the same.
It is your house you should have your rules. You have to speak to him sans all emotion. Tell him that you will take time to learn and take time to adjust to his realities and in the interim while he could angry and upset. Hold space for him when he needs that.
Be patient with your son, for he is not only battling the acceptance battle at home, but may be with his friends too. He has his own struggle. Tell him that he could trust in you. Tell him that you are willing to listen.
Please also speak to a queer affirmative counsellor. Learn about queer lives. Educate yourself to understand your son better. Tell your son you are doing this.
Give your son the time too. Give yourself some space away from your son. Let him be himself. While you may not approve him having sex in your house. He doesn’t need your approval for having sex.
He is an adult. And our children have a mind and body of their own. We can ask them to practice consensual safe sex with fellow adults. We cannot tell them not to have sex or how to have sex or with whom to have sex.
Give yourself time and give him all the love he needs. Create a win-win.
P.S. You could also join the Sweekar The Rainbow Parents group on facebook.
'Will I Get Pregnant Because of Saliva Exchange?'
My boyfriend kissed me deeply and then he kissed my vagina. Will I get pregnant because of saliva exchange?
Thanks for writing in.
For pregnancy to happen sperm needs to enter the egg. It doesn’t happen due to exchange of saliva.
You had oral sex. And Oral sex cannot cause pregnancy.
P.S. Be safe.
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