(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Boyfriend Has Been Keeping a Secret'
'The past 1 month or so he has been very awkward and weird.'
(Photo: iStock)
Dear RainbowMan,
I have something secretive to share with you. Pardon me that I am sharing from a fake ID because I do not want to reveal my name. This is not about me, this is about my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship with each other for the past 7 years. I always thought we were committed and we never used protection ever with each other.
The past 1 month or so he has been very awkward and weird around me. He has been refusing sex.
One day, I flared up and asked him “why are you doing this to me” and he broke down.
He told me that he was HIV positive.
I told him that it is not possible – he has been faithful so how can he be HIV positive.
He then told me that he has not been faithful.
He was on a trip to Goa 9 months ago where he had an orgy and he ended up getting the virus. And he also had sex with me—unprotected sex—even after he got diagnosed.
He was guilty and very sad.
He took me to the doctor for a check-up and a test and I came out negative on PCR, a decisive test. Now, I don’t know if condoms would work or abstainance will work or should there be other things I need to do to keep me safe.
Also, does it mean that my boyfriend would die eventually?
He tells me that he will not die, I am wondering if he is saying these things to just make me feel happy. I wake up in the night to check if he is breathing. I am paranoid. Please help.
Worried Husband
Dear Hubby
Thank you for writing in.
No problem about using a fake name.
I know that sometimes the stigma associated with HIV drives fear in survivors and their families. I am happy that you could move on and accept your partner despite the fact that he cheated on you and put you at risk of contracting the virus.
Yes, love wins over all boundaries.
Regarding your partner…. I hope he is taking his ART (anti-retroviral therapy) regularly. The ART medications help keep the viral load low. (With the phrase viral load I mean the virus numbers, within the body).
You would need to check with the doctor about the transmission rate with respect to the viral load and the transmission rate before you even think of going without protection.
Please check with the doctor about options of PREP (Pre Exposure Prophylaxis).
PREP uses medicine that prevents HIV Negative persons from getting HIV.
Till you receive advice or a go-ahead from your doctor, please do not have unprotected sex of any kind. Use a condom.
I would also highly recommend that you fix up an appointment with the counsellors at The Humsafar Trust. You will get their numbers on www.humsafar.org . They will be able to guide you.
One of their teammates called Shruta speaks to several positive people regularly and is my go-to person as well whenever I need any information regarding STDs.
As long as your partner is taking good care of himself, and has his medication and doctor visits regularly, he has every chance to live a healthy life.
What you are dealing with is challenging, please do not hesitate to ask for help. Please do seek counselling that will help you put your worries at bay.
Please take care of yourself and do feel free to write back anytime you wish to speak.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. Seek counselling. Please.
'Is My Wife LGBT'
'You have a lot of reading to do about sex, sexuality and gender.'
(Photo: iStock)
Dear RainbowMan,
My wife wants to have a fake penis and have anal sex with me. Is she someone who belongs to LGBT community?
Regards,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Thank you for writing in.
You have a lot of reading to do about sex, sexuality and gender.
What your wife is possibly trying to do with you is “pegging”.
Pegging in the heterosexual parlance is when a woman wears a dildo and tries to penetrate a man anally.
Fantasies are for everybody. Now, anyone can have any fantasy.
Your wife wants to anally penetrate you, do you like it? If you like it, go ahead with it. If you don’t, please tell her that you don’t.
Why try to cast aspersions on her sexuality or gender just because of her sexual fantasies.
Your wife is lesbian or bisexual or transgender only if she tells you so. You don’t have to trouble your mind on that. No other human being other than she herself would know if she belongs to the community.
Please take care of yourself and do google up about sex, sexuality and gender and also pegging.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. youtube videos dekh lena.
Eliminate Homophobes
'Killing the killer doesn’t reduce the crime.'
(Photo: iStock)
Dear RainbowMan,
Why isn’t there a law to kill homophobes?
Someone
Dear Someone,
There is none and there will be none.
As a part of civil society, I can tell you that it is not the severity of punishments but the certainty of it that will reduce crimes.
I also know that we need to fight for more just laws – anti discrimination laws for crimes committed on queer lives.
Killing the killer doesn’t reduce the crime. For every one killed there will be more born.
We should take the longer route to freedom and liberation.
We can win over hate only with awareness, visibility and intentional education.
And while it shouldn’t be our responsibility to transform people, I can tell you people do transform, people do get better. Not all, but some.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. Things get better
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