(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘I Love BDSM, and My Master Is in Love With Me'
I am a 28 year old man from London. I have been involved in S&M since I have been 18. I have loved it.
My boyfriend used to be make me his slave and used to demand things from me. Sometimes he used spank me really hard, so hard that my a** used to turn red.
I like when these things are done, I like it when it pains like f@*k. I love it. So over years I have been beaten, asked to eat shit (literally), and various things.
"Everything was fine, until, last month, I met a man who changed my life forever."
He was my master too, we had fun too, but after having fun, he kissed me on my forehead and told me that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me.
I was zapped and shocked because I was never proposed like this.
He also said that he wants me to be exclusive with him and that he was bored being a master to many slaves and would rather have just me as the slave now.
The problem is that I don’t know if all of this is true.
I don’t know if this is true at all. All this while I have been seen as mad, wayward, stupid and silly.
People have counselled me about my fantasies and have told me that this is something that needs psychiatric intervention, but there he was 6 feet of chocolate who was deliciously fancying me.
I don’t believe this. I think I don’t deserve this. Probably you may also think I am stupid and silly.
However, I am feeling miserable now. I don’t know what to do. What if I am only another f@*k for him? I don’t deserve his love. Tell me… tell me?
Dear Fellow Desi,
Thank you so much for writing in. Thank you for baring your heart and being your true authentic self.
Who is anyone to judge anyone else’s fantasy is, as long as there is consent and it is safe?
I know there are as many opinions about BDSM as many are people. But it is your body, your mind, your heart and your soul. You decide about your fantasies, no one else.
Sometimes we set the bar very low for ourselves.
We secretly judge our own fantasies and think we are dirty and unworthy and incapable of attracting any positive attention.
We sometimes go to a point where we don’t love ourselves as much as we should.
What others think of us shouldn’t matter. What we think of ourselves should.
Today, you have someone who says he loves you. Isn’t love a wonderful feeling? Isn’t being loved a wonderful feeling?
Love completely, fully and truly when you feel like loving.
That said, one should love themselves more than they love any other. One should be their own first top priority. So much so that even if lovers come and lovers go, the love for themselves does not dwindle.
So move on with your heart. Love with all your heart. Yourself, and the other.
P.S. It took me time, but I love myself more now.
'My Ex Calls Me a Pedo'
I am a 56 year old single man who likes younger girls of 20 years old.
My last girlfriend of 2 years, broke up with me and post break up called me a pedo. She broke up with me because her friends told her that I am not the fit guy for her.
Everything was going well. I was no sugar daddy for her, we were really in love. But now she is gone and I am called all sorts of weird things.
Can you advice me? What should I do?
Thanks for sharing with me. I do understand that writing to a stranger sometimes takes a lot of courage. Sometimes, it may be easier too.
What has love between adults got to do with age?
The word is adult. If both of you are adults it is fine.
Don’t let others call you a pedo. No one has the right to demean someone by calling them a Pedophile. If she had a problem with your age, what was she doing with you all those 2 years?
No one should be allowed to insult you. But you cannot control what the world speaks of you. The world can be very unkind sometimes.
However, what others think of you, should be none of your problem.
Please do see a counsellor. Speak your heart out. Tell them how you feel and do as they say. You need to change your train of thoughts.
You will get better. You just have to have the focus on yourself.
P.S. appointment with counsellor. NOW.
'Change My Friend's Sexuality?'
How can I change my friend’s sexuality?
You cannot change your friend’s sexuality. Even your friend can't.
Sexuality is not something that anyone can change.
Accept your friend the way they are.
(From 26 July to 30 August, FIT is #DecodingPain. Want answers to your painful woes? Send in your questions to email@example.com, and we will get pain experts to answer them for you.)