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Sexolve 265 : 'I'm a Closet Gay'

5 min read
Sexolve 265 : 'I'm a Closet Gay'
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(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.

Drop-in a mail to

This week’s Q&As are below:


'I'm a Closet Gay'

"My parents are not happy because i am not accepting any requests for marriage"

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a closet gay. My parents are not happy because I am not accepting the any requests for marriage. I strongly decided not to get married to an women because I don't want to spoil an woman's life as well as my life for my parents' happiness. But at the same time I am unable to see them upset.

I cannot come out to my parents about my sexuality because they are illiterate (not sure I can use this word) and not having knowledge about it to understand it. I know they hate LGBT people and homophobic. They always say that they are worried as society thinks that I am an impotent if I am not getting married and other usual things like how do I live alone.

As of now I am showing the reason as I don't believe in marriages/relationships to escape from it. But I don't know how to convince them without revealing my sexuality. Is it possible? If it is not possible, how to explain about my sexuality and convince them. Hope you understand my situation and give some advice.

Thanks in advance.

Troubled Soul

Dear Troubled Soul,

Thank you for writing in. I understand that things are not always easy when the ones who we love the most do not understand.

Parents, sometimes, need to unlearn every conditioning that makes them believe that heterosexuality is the only absolute truth to understand what homosexuality.

They will take time. And at the end of it, they may not want to understand. You need to give them the leeway. Our parents may not understand even after explaining, it takes them to erase years and years and years of conditioning to understand other forms of sexuality, beyond heterosexuality. Give them the time.

One of the things that you could do, is give yourself the confidence that you can live without them.

Possibly, if you can afford it, move out, stay by yourself – independent. This will also help them understand that after them, you will be looked after well, by yourself.

One of the things that you could do, is give yourself the confidence that you can live without them.

Possibly, if you can afford it, move out, stay by yourself – independent. This will also help them understand that after them, you will be looked after well, by yourself.

Sometimes the fear of our parents emanate from the concern of our lives after them, not actually from homophobia.

Give them space. And give yourself space.



P.S. thrive.


'I Love Men and Also Women; My Friends Think I Am Nasty'

"I love having sex with both men and women"

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I love having sex with both men and women. My friends say that I am just horny and playing with both lives. What should I do to convince them that this is who I am and I am not greedy or nasty or horrible as a person. These judgements are affecting me.

Always. I don’t care if they are friends who I don’t know but some of these friends are very close friends and they mean the life for me. I don’t know how to convince them. Please help me/

Swinging Boy

Dear Swinging Boy,

Thank you for sharing your life and your vulnerability with me. Life gets better when we are honest about our fears and apprehensions.

I understand the importance of well-meaning friends in our lives. I also understand the role that they play who help us become our family of choice.

However, our friends and us are people with two different bodies and two entirely different experiences. So they might not clearly be able to understand what you are going through within yourself, and for that matter, you will not be able to exactly understand what is going in their bodies or their mind. You may have an inkling, but your inkling may not be the absolute truth.

People who have more than one partners (of any gender), could also be practicing ethical love.

You could love two people and keep them informed about the fact that they are not the only ones that you are seeing. You could ensure that they don’t expect more than what you are willing to give them. If they seek committed relationships with you, where they are not willing to see you with another partner, they need to tell it to you. And you need to tell them.

It would be nice to not engage in hiding truths or telling lies, but on absolute and complete disclosures to all partners so that there are set expectations and boundaries.

You could address the concerns of your friends about you raising hopes and expectations and leaving your partners high-and-dry, by way of these voluntary disclosures that have their foundation in truth and honesty.



P.S. And after that if they still try to shove monogamy on their face, and tell you that being poly is wrong – please ask them to take a walk.

'I Have an Itchy Penis!'

"I have been having an itchy penis ever since I received a blowjob"

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have an itchy penis.

I have been having an itchy penis ever since I received a blowjob from a female friend of mine.

Does this mean that she has transmitted some dental disease to my penis?


Dirty Boy


Dear Boy,

I am not a doctor, I will not be able to tell you if the itchiness is because of any STD or not. I would very strongly ask you to visit a doctor and have a honest conversation with them about your sexual history to rule out anything.

Good Luck


P.S. waste no time.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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