Sexolve 264 : 'My Lover Already Has Kids and a Husband'
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.
Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Lover Already Has Kids and a Husband '
I ama 29 year old woman in love with a woman of my age. I am married to her in my head. The problem is that she is married. She didnt tell me that when we met each other for the first time, but as time progressed, she started revealing her colours.
She suddenly one day told me that her husband and her children are her priority and she stopped seeing me.
She, one day, slammed the door on my face when i went to her house. I have been following her everywhere, she is happy. she is meeting her friends, she is meeting her relatives, she and her husband went out on a vacation also. It is almost like I didnt exist in her life at all.
She ignores me all the time. I was caught with covid and at that time I my friend who was given the job to check on her, told me that she was fleeing the country. Here I fall sick, and there she goes away. I am really upset. I want to have her back in my life. Please help me.Please dont judge me. I will die without her.
Married to her
Thank you for writing to me.
Love when it is there, makes you go places, and when love goes away, you realise that there exist some places in the darkest corners of your mind too.I cannot claim that I understand what you are going through, however,
I can tell you, after losing three relationships, I have an inkling. Sometimes our entire life comes to a standstill. We want things to go back to the time where love blossomed . Those days, those lovely days with memories... memories that lasted forever.
However, when my lovers left, the memories stayed. It did bother me to the extent that I felt incomplete, but after a while, I realised I cant hold on to a past when I am living in the present.
Love shouldnt leave you caged, love should set you free.
You love her, right? If the answer is yes, then respect her choice. Finding out where she is going and who she is meeting – has another word – it is called “stalking”. Stalking is a crime. Do not go that way.
love, that’s true, should get out, the best in you. The path you are taking is far from the best, it is a path that all lovers will dread
I would also very strongly reccomend that you visit a counsellor. A counsellor can help you put your life in perspective and help you see for yourself how life could be better with love for yourself. Your love is pure and I respect your love. Just give the wound the time to heal
P.S. please meet a counsellor. Please.
'IN LOVE WITH A COLLEAGUE'
I dont want to beat around the bush. I am in love with a colleague. I call her a colleague even though she looks after the cleanliness of office. She is poor, and I thought i would uplift her pitiable life by marrying her. However, my family is not agreeing to it. They are telling me that she is not of our class or caste, how should I convince my parents?
I feel bad for her and i dont want her to marry someone who doesnt look after her and treats her badly, many people in her community, even her father treated her mother badly and beat her up. Please help me help her.
Dear Lover Boy,
Thank you for writing in. I agree with your opening line – I also dont want to beat around the bush. i read your mail and couldnt understand one thing – are you a social activist in search of a project or are you in love?
Love doesnt thrive where pity resides
I hope I am not reading too much into your intent, with the construction of your sentences, but I have a few questions for you - Do you pity her condition or do you love her? Do you want to uplift her or rise up together in love? What do you want from this relationship.
Love is not charity, and she is not your CSR project.
Also, these all are things that you want from her. I wish that you take a pause and understand the WWW - What Women Want. Do not decide for her or assume that she would want to be, to quote you, “uplifted”. If you love her, treat her as an equal. It is not okay to just love, one ought to be intentional about their heart.
And who said there arent people who drink and abuse in every community? Just that some are able to confine it in their homes by mascarading their true selves in the garb of decency, and some others are out in the open.
In the past, I have also made the mistake of speaking of caste lightly without understanding that it is about real people facing real systemic oppression.
What has caste got to do with love? If you love, love.
Let love lead your way. Let love uplift both of you’ll. Let love bring both of you closer, rather than “uplifting” her to your level.
Ask her what she wants, and let that lead you.
P.S. Did you check with her if she regards this as an “uplift”?
'My Girlfreind Dosent Go Down on Me'
I am a 28 year old woman in love with a woman my age. My problem is that my girlfriend doesnt go down on me. I dont tell her that I am disappointed. How can I get her to do that?
There are different people who would love different things in sex. It is important to have a frank and open conversation with your lover about what she wants and align it with what you want.
Remember that when people get closer, the awkwardness regarding bodies may also diminish. But it is important to speak about it, because the opposite is also true.
Unspoken words, and unstated expectations can ruin relationships more than spoken ones.
You cant “get her do to anything”, she will do it when she wants to do it.
Love doesnt own bodies. Bodies own love.
do give it time. Do discuss.
P.S. talk the talk, today.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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