(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'Mom Wants Me To Wear a Bra. I Don't.'
I am a 26 year old woman who hates wearing bras. The issue is that I have big breasts and they wobble. All my childhood I had small breasts and used to wear padded bras.
I always wanted big breasts and now that I am an adult with bigger breasts, I want to not live in the pretence of bras and just want to live in the realization that I finally can be free.
I am sure that you know how it feels to live in the freedom of no bras. I feel the air beneath my clothes and think that my breasts should be given the ability to breathe.I don’t care if my boobs are sagging or they are stiff. I am just happy to go without Bras.
But that’s not how society perceives it. My mother wants me to wear bras always. She has a point – she thinks so. She thinks it will lead to me getting molested and bullied.
I tell her that’s the entire life of women. She doesn’t seem to understand. I don’t want to adhere to her rules. She warned me that I will get molested. I got molested.
And now she uses it against me. She tells me that I invited the molestation on myself because of not controlling the movement of my breasts. I am tired.
I just wanted to vent out. Sorry if it was too long, but I needed to tell someone. It is my own mother who says things like that. I am fed up. Seriously fed up.
Miss Holding on (Pun intended)
Thank you for writing to me. For those who love writing, writing could be therapeutic and can relieve a lot of stress.
At the outset, I should confess that I have never had the lived experience of a majority of people in my sex wearing bras.
Guess, our empathy only takes us to a certain level. Pardon me, for those who have no lived experience can only assume through narratives they read and anecdotes that they are privy to.
I understand that being different in a world that’s all the same could be quite challenging. Being a square peg in a round hole is not an easy task.
It may help if we realize that no one other than ourselves, have the right to decide for our bodies and how we cover them.
I know the world is obsessed with our bodies and how they look and how much mobility is allowed for them.
It’s your body and you get to decide what’s best for it. Your family has the right to guide you and communicate their feelings with you, but no one else other than yourself can decide for your body.
Your mother may be concerned. However, she needs to realize that molestations happen because people molest, not because people get molested. It isn’t one’s choice to get molested. It’s one’s choice to molest.
I wish we get this once and for all. And please get your mother to read this too.
The onus of good behaviour is not on the complainant, it’s on the perpetrator.
How long are we going to keep women bodies captivated in sheets of clothing and societal decorum, while we allow the molesters to taste the joy of freedom. At some point it needs to end. And im glad that this ends with you.
What happened to you is not your fault. It is not your breasts that were free that caused the incident of molestation. Molestations happen because people molest. The buck stops there.
You could be fully clothed, bra-less or with a massive padded bra. It doesn’t matter. It’s your choice.
No one has the right to dictate that. No one has the right to say that you invited an attack on yourself just because you were clothed or not clothed in a certain way. Not even your mother.
You should not hesitate seeing a counsellor if your mother’s behaviour bothers you. It is not an easy feeling to be abused and then being also blamed for it.
And more importantly, please suggest to your mother that she should see a good counsellor.
P.S. You can choose to ensure freedom for your breasts.
'My Sex Dates Share Our Sex Stories.'
I am a 28 year old man whose penis doesn’t get erect at all. I am gay, so many times my partners have made fun of me.
I am a 6 foot tall person, however, my penis size is not proportionate to my height. I have been called “big man, small d!ck” by some of my sex partners.
They constantly discuss about my intimate details there. I keep wondering why the LGBTIQ community is against the LGBTIQ community.
I am upset. Please help.
Dear Fellow Gay Human,
Thank you for pouring your heart out to me.
I have been in your space quite a few times when I would go out on a date with someone or have a sexual relationship with someone and details of my encounter would be the talk of the town. I have been upset and angry at our community for being so.
People in general are lecherous and lack dignity in matters of sex. LGBTQIA+ people are a subset of the same world and tend to show the same traits.
This is not discount their bad behaviour, but to realize that we will have such elements in our spaces too. I should recount that I have also had sexual encounters with people who have not been so public about our sexpisodes.
There are kind people and unkind people in our community. While we tend to remember the ones who have done us wrong, sometimes we forget that we could build an example of those who have behaved appropriately.
Now coming to your issue with your penile length and body height.
The length of your penis needn’t be proportionate with your height. As sexually active people with more than one partners, we may have come across people who are short with long penises and vice versa.
You don’t need to be anyone’s idea of a body type. It is important to just ensure that “you are your type”
Don’t hesitate speaking to a counsellor if the unruly behaviour of your sex dates continues to affect you. There should be no shame in seeing a counsellor.
P.S. to quote something I read in the internet - What other’s think of you, is none of your business.
'My Friend Is Gay?'
Could you please tell me how can I find out if my friend is gay?
Dear Curious Raj,
Thank you so much for writing in.
You cannot find out if your friend is gay. You don’t need to find out if your friend is gay.
If your friend wants to tell you that they are gay, they will tell you. If they don’t, they will not. Focus on your life. Leave your friend with theirs.
P.S. why so curious, curious Raj?
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)