(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Girlfriend Loves Older Men'
My girlfriend and I are of the same age. We are both 20. My challenge is that she likes daddys. She sometimes jokingly tells me that wants to go out with uncles and feels like making love to them. She also told me that she fell in love with me because I look more “matured” to my age. When we make love she says things and does things that make me wonder if she is loving, or kinky or just experimentative.
I cannot explain what she does, but I can tell you that she encourages me to grey my hair, everywhere. I asked her if she has had any sexual encounter with older men – she said no. I asked her if she was sexually assaulted by older men – she said no. I am left wondering why then. Why does she want to meet older men. What does she want to speak to older men. Why does she want to make love to older men. Why does she like me matured. Please help me understand dude.
Dear Bombay Dude,
Thanks for writing in.
I understand that you are trying hard to decipher what’s in the mind of your girlfriend. And that’s led you to imagine various scenarios where you have started finding a source of origin of her fantasies and desires. I have one word for you - “DON’T”
This is a slippery slope. You will get deep into your own mind to find what is in the mind of your loved one, but you cannot and will not be able to read her mind or understand what her body feels. You can have an inkling, you could extend your empathy to consideration and understanding in a very spiritual and emotional and psychological sense of the word, however, you really would never be able to feel what another person is feeling.
I know empathy is love. But love is love, even when empathy fails.
I know we are all thought about cause and effect. Science and math all teach us that. We all try to trace the origins of our behaviours. We will get tired, looking for it, but yet not find a reason for everything that happens.
Ask yourself – what will happen if you find the origin of this desire? Will your love for her change at anypoint because of that? You have her as a part of your life now. She and you are loving partners, in your own words. Why would you go in this quest at the cost of your sanity? We all have fantasies.
You don’t need to understand people to love them, you need to love people to love them.
Love her unconditionally. It doesn’t matter what her past is, you are your present. Don’t let doubt cloud your mind and don’t delve deep into her mind.
P.S. sometimes you need to set free your thoughts to set into a new wave of love.
'In Love with My Cousin'
I am a 38 year old woman who is in love with my cousin – technically she is a far far relative as per the family tree, but our families have been close and mom dad still address us as cousins. My parents are very pro LGBT and all that, but how do I tell them that we are in love with each other. Will they think we are abnormal?
Lady love, Chandigarh
Dear Lady Love,
Thank you for writing in.
What has age or gender or extended relationships got to do with love.
It is true that many of us humans have had crushes on our relatives, but have always silenced our feelings to attune ourselves with what the society sees as right and wrong. Love happens beyond these paradigms that are defined. Love cannot be confined.
Since you are not close but very distant relatives, and your parents are cool with LGBT rights, are you assuming thinks about their reactions before even discussing with them? That’s a point to ponder right?
Why do we, as humans, give so much thought to a negative possibility and imagine scenarios in our head, but we don’t empower the positive possibility to the point of manifesting it.
You hold your truth close to your heart. It is your truth. However, how people adapt to your truth when they become aware of it, is their journey. You can guide them, but can’t guarantee how they would think. That’s why it is helpful if you are financially and emotionally independent.
Also parents need to be given time and effort too. They go through their own cycle of coming to terms with the truth of their children. For you, it is your emotion, your feeling, your body. For them, it is literally empathy with another body, another mind and another being.
If they are negative give them space and time to understand and come around. If they are positive, don’t overwhelm them by expecting them to do more.
Give yourself space, give them space. To tell is your decision, to accept and how to accept or to not accept is theirs. Just ensure that you are independent – in mind, in money and in body – so that your life is not directed by their decisions.
P.S. Love finds its way.
'I Want a Painless Pregnancy'
I WANT A PAINLESS PREGNANCY
I want to know if there is a way to have a painless process of child bearing and child birth.
A pregnant thought
Thank you for writing in. I think by childbearing you mean carrying the child in your womb to term. Am I right?
I know science has advanced and child rearing and child birth has gotten better with time. I don’t know about how “painless” or how much devoid of challenges it could get. I suggest you speak to a gynecologist personally who can advice you and also examine your body if need be. I am not qualified to answer this question.
P.S. You will do well.