Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
IS IT OKAY TO WISH HE LEAVES HER FOR ME?
I am a 56 year old man who is in a homosexual relationship with someone who is 15 years younger than me. He is already married with a child. My problem is that I am madly in love with him and he is too. He is also enjoys sex with his wife and they are a happy couple. I don’t know how to explain this, but yes I am in love with a married man. I sometimes feel horrible that I am wishing that she leaves him and I get him all for myself. I haven’t wished bad for anyone, but now here I am wishing that my boyfriend leaves his wife for me. She is a nice woman. I have interacted with her and she thinks my boyfriend is a supporter of the LGBT community.
She has no clue that her husband is my boyfriend. I feel trapped between my own ill wishes for her, that her marriage ends and my own wish to start a new relationship with her. I sometimes feel so horrible about myself that I feel awkward looking at me in the mirror. “How could you wish something so dastardly for a person whose entire life revolves around her husband”, I ask myself. And the answer I get is that I am a really bad person. Am I bad? I don’t know. Am I good, I don’t know. I feel I am bad and that’s ruining my mind. I don’t want to bring this up with my boyfriend and bother him. Please help.
Thank you for writing to me. And thank you for letting me inside to take a sneak peek of your mind.
Our brain is a crazy organ. It makes us think of thinks so deeply that it hurts. And the heart is a risky organ, it falls in places, we intend to be careful about.
I am glad though that your heart is beating for love, and your brain is attuned to the reality of the story. It is important for us to be aware of things for us to do something about it. You are aware of your path and that is a positive.
Life is all about the choices that we make.
Your jealousy is a human emotion. We all have that emotion hidden somewhere inside of us. We sometimes are aware of it and express it, some of us are aware and deny that we are jealous and some are neither aware nor expressive.
Your boyfriend made the choice to have two relationships at a time. You made a choice to love him despite his marital status. Now you need to make the choice to bring up your discomfort in discussing with him.
This discomfort involves your love with him, the discussion should as well. I urge you to tell him that you feel jealous and sometimes feel like having him all for yourself without having the need to share him with anyone else. Ask him how he feels about it.
Give him space and give him time to get back to you with his feelings. Be patient with him.
Tell me, would you rather keep your feelings deep hidden within yourself or bring it out and deal with it once and for all. Also tell me what is a relationship where you cannot discuss what you feel at that moment.
True love breeds even at our most vulnerable moments. In fact, sometimes that’s the only time when love is put to a true test.
Let your boyfriend and you decide together how you wish to take this relationship further. I know that you have a lot of love between the both of you, but I believe that there is no love without any expectation. The least one would expect is respect.
And I hope when you do dare to be vulnerable with your boyfriend, he shows you the same amount of vulnerability and respect to you and shares what he really has in his mind.
Do not hesitate to take the services of a mental health professional.
Best of luck and lots of love
P.S. Love yourself more and more.
'I AM 18 AND I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE'
I am a 18 year old boy and I want to know more about transgender people. My parents tell me that I should learn about them when I am 18 and not before that. But I am 18 now and they don’t tell me. I am shy to ask anyone. My folks think it is dirty to speak about it. I am curious, could you please help me.
Thank you for writing in.
To understand who transgenders are we need to first decode what sex and gender is.
Sex is assigned at birth. Children born with a penis are called male. Children born with a vagina are called female. Children are sometimes born with ambiguous genitals or internally, sex chromosonal variations – they are called intersex.
When children grow up they slowly come to the realisation of who they are. Many of them would agree with the sex assigned at birth that is mentioned in the birth certificate. i.e. their sex assigned at birth is male and they self identify as a boy/man. Or their sex assigned at birth is female and they self-identify as a girl/woman. This is called “cis-gender”. Cis stands for same.
Some of the them would grow up to the realisation that they do not identify with what’s written in their birth certificate. They don’t identify with the sex assigned at birth. Their self identified gender is the other populous gender. I.e their sex assigned at birth is male and they self identify as a girl/woman, and they are then Transgender Girl/Woman. Or their sex assigned at birth is female and they self-identify themselves as a boy/man. They are then Transgender Boy/Men.
In short, sex is assigned at birth. Male female or intersex. It is what the birth certificate says.
Gender is what you tell the world you are. If it is same as what was assigned at birth – it is cis, if it is the other populous gender it is transgender.
Gender could also be genderfluid, gender non binary. I would request you to google these terms to understand them better. I identify as gender fluid in my expression of gender and gender as well. Write to me if you wish to know more about it.
There is nothing wrong in being curious. Please do read up more or write back and I will patiently answer all your questions.
Speaking of sex and gender is not propagating pornography, it is speaking science.
And everyone should learn the science of our bodies. Especially when we are growing up.
p.s. never too young and never too old to learn.
I want to gift my best friend with a girlfriend. How can I fix one for him in the newyear to f!@k? Any techniques?
Darling, sorry to break this to you. Just in case you didn’t know. Women are not things. Women are human.
You can fix furniture. You can fix drinks.
I am holding my tongue when I write this. Putting it mildly here – kindly mind your language. And your manners.
And as for your friend. Ask him, if he has a consenting adult partner, he could have sex with them. Or better, engage in self-satisfaction if he wants to.
Please engage in some education for yourself.