(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Friend Is Ignoring Me'
My friend is the apple of my eye.
I don't love her. I mean, she is not my girlfriend or something, but she is very close to me. I love her as a friend.
She doesn't talk to me any more. She speaks to all her other friends. She said a week ago that she has a new friend and I should not bother her and stalk her.
She thinks I am in love with her, like relationship type love. I do love her. But I don't love her that way.
I spend everyday looking at her Instagram and WhatsApp and have seen that she is “available” all the time, but she doesn't take my calls. She has helped me quite a lot in life. She used to do my homework and everything, today I am all alone.
She doesn't even feel that I will be all alone without her. She meets me occasionally and tells me that she does that only because she considers me a friend from the past.
I don't know what to do. Please don't tell me to leave her. I cannot. I am totally lost. Please help me.
Thank you for writing to me.
Firstly, let me begin by congratulating you for having a special friend who you love and care about so much. I have had close friends like that, and it hurts more they don't talk to you. You are often left wondering if you did something wrong to warrant the quiet treatment from your best friend.
Believe me the answers are always not outwards, sometimes they are inwards. Dare to look inwards. Dare to ask yourself if you have only been the taker in the relationship, or have been a giver too.
Sometimes friendships, where one is only the giver and gets nothing but companionship, gets tiring. You need to give yourself that space and time to think how you could get better and be a better friend, rather than following your friend every step of the way.
I cannot and will not tell you to leave her. I will tell you to not leave yourself. Don’t lose yourself in the love you have for your friend.
You should concentrate on yourself. Give time for your hobbies. I would very strongly suggest that you visit a mental health counsellor.
Sometimes, when life stop giving answers, maybe, we should change the questions?
Please ask questions of what you want in life, beyond your friend. Don’t leave your friend if you don't want to, but focus on what makes you happy.
P.S. You owe it to yourself.
'My Brother Loves My Husband'
I am in a kind of a dicey situation. I am a 32 year old woman, married for the past 5 years. Ours was a love marriage.
My brother is gay and he always told me that he is one and we as a family have always loved and supported him. I realised yesterday that my husband and my brother have had an affair.
They have pictures together where they are kissing and f**king each other. I chanced upon the photos on my brother's laptop. It is almost like a film scene where I reach his house and use his laptop to send an email and instead watch this horror of my life.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if they are f**king each other now or has it ended. I wonder if my husband faked an entire relationship with me just so that he and my brother could live close by. O i am such a bimbo. I am so angry at myself. Please help
Thank you so much for writing in.
I cannot fathom how you must be feeling right now. I am concerned about you and only you. How do you take care of yourself? Who is your safety net. I mean, who do you go to when you are in emotional turmoil?
I want you to be emotionally and financially safe and secure. For that, I first would urge you to visit a mental health professional. Things are not going to be sweet now.
When lies get confronted, the painful truth lays naked. And many times you may feel you are all alone dealing with all of it.
Once you have taken good care of yourself, please ensure that you speak to your brother. Keep a calm composure when you speak to him. Discuss with him. Be visibly upset, but also composed when you confront him.
Ask your husband too. Check with them if they have moved on from their pasts or are they still stuck to it. Figure out for yourself, if you want to be in this relationship or not. We all react differently to a situation like this.
Find your own way. There is no wrong way. Whatever is a way that you decide is good for yourself, is the right way.
Please visit a mental health professional. I repeat, because I know that all of this would need an extra dose of patience and empathy. And it is not always that we have a reserve of the same.
P.S. Carve your own path.
'Ring Worm Infection'
I am a 37 year old man with ringworm skin infection. How do I cure myself?
Dear Worried Man,
There are many ointments available in the market. I would however like you to visit a doctor and get a prescription for the same.
Wish you good health.