(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Husband Pees on Me'
I am sharing something very serious with you. It may seem funny or kinky but this is really messed up. I don't know how to tell anyone without being ridiculed. Maybe because you are a stranger that makes me easy to open up to you. I am messed up. Really messed up. My husband has been violent with me in bed right from the first night we interacted. He is a nice man, a very kind person… but he has this other personality of his that he unleashes only when we are together and alone. I come from a small place not in a big city. I have been told always that I need to respect my husband and keep him happy so I played on everytime.
He sometimes would slap my bums when we have sex or insert something inside my front. I enjoyed it in the beginning until one day he started the habit of taking me to the bathroom and peeing on top of me. Sometimes on my face.
He asks me to drink his sperm also and one day forced me to drink urine. I puked the very moment he did that and he asked me to get used to it because he loves it. He has repeated that peeing thing some 10 times already in the past 1 year and I fear that if I tell him no he may do this with someone else. I told one of my friends and she laughed at it. I am scared after that to tell anyone. How do I get used to this?
Dear Confused Patni,
Thank you for writing to me. Thank you for trusting in me. I know it takes courage to write this, especially since you have had one bad experience before when you trusted someone.
While it's good that you are loving towards your husband. Maybe at some point you need to ask yourself - “What is love without respect. And what is respect without consent?”
Your husband does not own you. Your husband does not own your body. Your husband does not own your desires. You own your body. You own your feelings. You own your orgasms. You own your fetishes.
Your job as a partner is not just to cater to his feelings, his desires. You have your own desires.
I know that slapping and peeing (called golden showers) is sometimes seen as sexual fantasy. But it is fantasy only when all the persons involved in the act consent to it. If someone in the act doesnt - it is not fantasy, it is abuse.
Please explain to your husband that he cannot go on like this. Tell him that you dislike what he is doing. Tell him what you would like in bed. Talk to him about your desires.
You are not a toy in his hands. You are a living breathing being with a beating heart and a thinking mind of its own. Please stand up for yourself.
Do not hesitate to seek the help of a mental health professional to deal with this, if it gets tough.
And yes, I am just an email away.
P.S. Stand up for yourself.
'I am Dating Three People. Am I a Sl*t?'
I am a 28-year-old girl, in love with three people at the same time. They all know about it. Two are men and one is a woman. When another friend got to know about it he called me a slut. Am I a cheating slut?
Thank you for writing in.
It is okay to love more than one. It is also okay to have sex with more than one person. It is called polyamoury.
You are practising ethical polyamoury where all your partners know about what they are in for. It is not cheating. In fact, it is the opposite of it. It is an example of extreme trust and kindness.
About people calling you names. People will be people. Not everyone will be able to understand what you are in for. You dont need their approval or for that matter - them in your lives.
If your friends are being disrespectful, please let them become history. What is the use of such friends in our lives anyway.
P.S. You are what you know you are, not what others think you are.
'Can I Increase The Size of My Breasts?'
Can I increase the size of my breasts?
There is plastic surgery available where one could have breast implants. You will need to get an appointment with a plastic surgeon to evaluate options.
P.S. Good Luck