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Sexolve 293: ‘My Lover Is Having an Affair With My Father'

Sexolve 289 | In his weekly column, Harish Iyer offers advice on your love, sex and relationship queries.

5 min read
Sexolve 293: ‘My Lover Is Having an Affair With My Father'
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(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to

This week’s Q&As are below:


'My Lover Is Having an Affair With My Father'

'It haunts me everyday.'

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

It took me courage to write this. I am a well educated professional, and now I am someone who is in deep-shit psychologically because of all that is happening to me.

I am really fed up, and I am writing this letter to you because I don't know. I really don't know what to do.

I am a 28 year old girl in a committed relationship with this guy for the past 3 years. In fact, we were planning to move in together and we are very very close to each other.

He loves me he said, and he loves me truly I thought. But something that I figured out completely threw me off guard.

My life got shattered in just 20 minutes of what I saw. I came home early one day, and I have a key to my house. My boyfriend was supposed to meet me at home. I went up to the first floor of my house where the door was left ajar.

My father sleeps in the first floor. My bedroom is the ground floor. I wanted to surprise my father that I am home for his birthday. I reached the first floor and saw my boyfriend in the bed. There was some giggling noise.

I saw my boyfriend without his shorts and my father giving him a bl** job. I got down to my bedroom in absolute shock.


Then I got out of the house and rang the bell so that they would not come to know what I had seen.

I allowed this to be buried in my memory. But it doesnt go away, does it? It haunts me everyday.

Every time my boyfriend touches me, asks me to give him a bl** job, I remember my father. I cant get this off my system. I want to forget it. I really really want to forget it.

I want to give my boyfriend a chance and I want to give my father a chance. I am scared that they will think that I am not accepting, or that I am some kind of a homophobe.

I have friends in the LGBT community, I dont want to make them think otherwise. I am really flummoxed and challenged. I dont know what to do.

Please help. Please believe me. I dont want you to think I am mad. I am not mad.

Caught In The Middle, Jaipur

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing in. I hear you. I believe you. I want to understand you. I am sorry that you are caught in the middle.

All of love in the world is lost when genuine and pure love is met with inexplainable lies and unimaginable cheating.

Thank you. I read that your support to the LGBTQIA+ community is undettered by what these two men did. LGBTQIA+ people are people.


They could be wrong and evil and kind and loving like all other people. So, dont be sorry about holding them accountable for their actions behind your back.

You need to have your back. You need to take care of yourself. You need to wear your seatbelt before you think about protecting the community.

Your boyfriend and father need to be spoken to. But before that you need to stand up and speak up for yourself. I wish that you do everything that you could call your lifejacket. I would advice you to go independent. Go solo. Stand up for yourself.

Please visit a mental health professional. You would need the support of a professional to deal with this long journey towards discovery of true independence from cheating and shame that your loved ones put you through.

I am not making a value judgement on the act. Your boyfriend could be bisexual, your father could be gay, but them getting together behind your back is not something that you should have been put through.

Do take good care of yourself.



P.S. wear your seatbelt. Visit a counsellor.

'I Want to Be Atleast Bisexual'

'Am I gay in the closet?'

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a teenager wanting to have my first sex. I think of men everytime I think of having sex. I have never been sexually abused by a man.

How come I think of men when all the other classmates who are 18-19 like me are all thinking about women.

Am I weird or something? Am I gay in the closet? Cant I become bisexual in that case?'

Lost Boy


Dear Lost Boy,

Thank you for writing in.

Some people come first in class, they are different. We largely appreciate that kind of difference.

However, when it comes to feeling different from the rest of the lot when it comes to love or sex, some of us constantly question it.

Some of us want to be a part of a majority that we see around us. Some of us dred being different.

Being different is being distinct. Just because you are different from others, doesnt mean you are weird.

We all love differently. All couples are different. Even two heterosexuals dont love and feel the same way as two other heterosexuals.

Some men love women. Some men love women and men. Some men love men. All of this is normal.

You cannot become bisexual, or homosexual, or heterosexual at will. One may have sexual experiences, but what you feel from the core will always be what you feel from the core. It is normal. It is natural.

You need no confirmation from anyone else. You just need to allow your body to feel what it feels. You need to be uninhibited and allow yourself to feel.

Being gay is as natural as being straight as natural as being straight as natural as being polyamourous.

Please do not hesitate to meet a queer affirmative counsellor who could guide you through the process of accepting your true authentic self. Whoever you love, whoever you are, you deserve love by yourself.



P.S. Your sexuality is defined by you, when you want to and how you want to.

Size Queen

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a person who likes big penises. I there something wrong with me?

Size Queen

Dear Queen

There is nothing wrong about fantasising about big penises.



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Topics:  Harish Iyer   Sexolve   love advice 

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