(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘I Have a Nagging Wife’
We are married for 15+ years with two kids of 11 & 2.5 years.
My wife is always fussy, nagging and some kind of control freak. She fights and throws fits of rage for small silly reasons and blows it out of proportion. This adds stress to my already stressed business life. I told her if there is unrest at home, I carry that to office and work doesn’t happen at all for a couple of days and that affects my business and in turn regular life. I
clearly told what I expect from her: no rage, anger, and abuse because she gets physical and verbally abusive. A well to do and decent family can never accept her behavior, she gets very abusive verbally and also physical. Despite me being calm and telling her, she doesn’t stop it. Apart from this, she fights, then she wants me to have sex with her, I told her, “You disturb me mentally and my stress levels increase, how do you expect me to get physically intimate and am not a machine to work like that.”
When a man comes back home from work, he expects peace and happiness, if it’s not there, how can anything go smooth.
Dear Tired Hubby.
Thank you so much for writing in. From your words, I realize the stress you are going through.
It is true that one deserves harmony at home, else one carries the disharmony and discomfort to the workplace, making work more difficult.
It is important for you to also understand where your partner is coming from? Was she like this before or is this a sudden shift in behavior.
It is times like these that we need to ensure that we don’t retaliate in the same tone, but try to understand what the partner is going through. Is there a trigger for her? Is something bothering her?
Please, just for a day, don’t react adversely to her temper. Sit down, next to each other, and ask her what is bothering her. Don’t tell her, how it is affecting you or the house. Just ask her what is bothering her and what you could do to better things for her.
If you want things to get better, don’t confront, converse.
Please speak to your partner. Take the assistance of mental health professionals. There are things probably she may be more comfortable sharing with a mental health professional than to someone she knows. Once you find the reason for this behavior, it will be easier for you both to sort it.
Regarding sex, you are in your full right to tell her that you are not in a mood to engage in sex. Hope things get better with conversations with her.
P.S.: Do not hesitate to see a counselor.
‘I Am 60 and My Wife Is Not Interested in Sex’
I am nearing 60. For the last 30 years, my wife was never interested in sex. I have one grown-up child now. My worry is why is she not interested?
Dear Desperate Husband,
Thank you for writing in. There are many reasons why people are not interested in sex.
While there could be physiological factors, that they should consult a doctor for, there are several other factors that can be solved by simply having an honest conversation.
Ask what is bothering her and seek an honest response from her. Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.
Have you tried changing the scene a little? Go out on a vacation? To someplace romantic? Have you tried to focus on things in sex that give her pleasure? Maybe that could be a good point to start.
P.S. It’s the monsoon season. Go out!
‘I Don’t Get a Hard-On’
I am 22yr old boy i have tried having sex with three different girls but it didn’t really work for me as my dick was not getting hard. I don’t know what wrong happened. Please help me with this.
Dear Deep Love,
Thank you for writing in. This is deeply private, so thank you for your trust.
Do you get too anxious during sex? Or maybe you are rehearsing the whole thing in your mind every time that when it actually happens you don’t feel as excited?
Also, I would advise that adequate foreplay builds the right mood for sex. For some, expressing love with not just with body parts, but also with words, helps.
Maybe lovemaking should replace, plain sex. If the problem persists, please visit a doctor.
P.S. Things get better.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)