Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Cannot Forget The Girl I Was in Love With’
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 30 year girl living alone. I was deeply in love with a girl. Now she is a married woman with a 4-month old beautiful baby girl. I desperately want her in my life. I know it is impossible but I find myself helpless. I cannot forget her. She doesn’t show any interest in me but I miss her every moment. All I think about is her. Please tell me how I could live my life.
Dear Sad Girl,
I understand where you are coming from. The pangs of broken love are painful and difficult to recover from, but sometimes, we need to drive down the road of recovery and be at it even when it seems difficult.
I know it would be difficult to forget her and perhaps you should not try forgetting her because every time you attempt to forget her, you are actually are reminded of her.
I would rather suggest that while you remember her in those sweet memories, also dive into something that you always wanted to do but never pursued it. It could be a vacation you wanted to take to a faraway island, or an exotic dance form you wanted to master, or it could also be taking up cooking classes, or even visiting the shrine of your favorite God. If adventure is your thing - then spread your wings and para-glide or jump with your adrenaline down the bungee rope.
Do whatever you love, while loving her too. I am sure then, somewhere in this pursuit of things you love, you will be able to not forget her, but let her memories rest in the past.
Love makes us do weird things and when love leaves us, the memories of it could be empowering enough to get us to do things we have never done.
Do it. Let the ink of your pen flow on your notepad. Make a list.
‘My Husband Doesn’t Initiate Sex At All’
I have been married for three years now. Ours was an arranged marriage but we dated for a few months before. Before marriage, my husband had initiated sex talks with me and though it had seemed a bit weird at first, I had indulged in it later on. I had thought that maybe that’s the way it is supposed to proceed.
Back then we had started talking intimately almost every day. After our honeymoon was over and a few months into the marriage however things changed drastically. He never initiated sex and didn’t even touch me intimately.
Yes, we are playful and yes, I have expressed my desires to him so many times but he denies that anything is wrong. He says he likes when I initiate and is not rejecting me but when I try initiating, he just shows that he is being ticklish and somehow postpones making out.
We have since then gone on a few outings away from home and even then nothing happened except on our anniversary, when again I initiated. We live in a joint family but recently, when our folks were away for months I had hoped something would happen but nothing did.
His job is stressful but could that be the only reason? I have communicated what I feel about this to him. I break down after a few weeks every time. I hold back at other times. I fail to understand why things have changed so drastically and if this is how things are in the beginning wonder what will happen later on.
I even went to a sexologist/therapist who told me to come back with him with but he is always in denial mode to say that there is no need to go as we will have sex someday (like on a vacation or some weekend) but that day doesn’t come.
I miss those few times that we did it. I turned to porn a few times but I started to cry and now the very thought of sex is something that I am trying to deviate my mind away from.
My husband is great otherwise. A provider - yes, a person who cares - yes, a playful friend - yes but a passionate lover -I guess that’s too much to ask for. I am not able to discuss this with anyone for the fear of coming across as a failure. I don’t know what to do.
I have talked to him many times about this but he just stays in denial or changes the subject. Just like when he falls ill and if someone asks him he says that he is perfectly fine. How can we work on a solution when the spouse fails to acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with?
A Sad Wife.
Dear Sad Wife,
Thank you for writing to me and trusting your little secret with me. Making love is always passionate in the beginning and it takes very little effort... but then we need to keep inventing newer ways to keeping the flame alive. Even though I am aware about the risk of generalizing, I would say that this is the case with most affairs. Looks like, you have done everything in the book – tried initiating, consulting a sexologist.
Sometimes the issue may not be with sex or bodily pleasures, do try checking with him about his day. Has he had some pressure at work that is bogging him down? Find out if you can help in anyway there by helping him make a checklist of things. Try becoming the perfect friend who listens to his challenges at work and in his life beyond you.
Maybe that will help him ease out a little and maybe that would lead to more frequent love making.
And don’t be crazy, you are not coming across as a failure when you discuss your issues. Instead, you come across as brave and intelligent.
Let’s not blame ourselves for the less frequent interest of our partners. Let’s rather work on understanding and excavating the lost mojo in our lives.
Good Luck. Here’s wishing that you soon become the happy wife. Very soon.
‘Is There Any Medicine To Decrease My Libido?’
I am married since 10 years but have sex twice everyday. Now my sex desire has increased and I ask for more, but my wife gets frustrated and we have regular fights nowadays. Also my 85% mind is occupied with visualizations about sex because of which I cannot concentrate on my work. Is there any medicine to keep me calm in my sex desires? I know I am the first person asking of medicine to decrease my libido.
I am just glad that you are aware of your libido and are able to type it down. I am not a sexologist so will not be able to guide you on what could decrease your sex drive.
However I could tell you that when one has hormones jumping in their body, one could expend the energy in something creative or something that is exhausting. Sometimes hitting the gym or running could help. Whereas for some writing a poem or experimenting with paints or learning to play a musical instrument could be helpful. Give yourself the scope beyond work and pleasure – a healthy diversion. You will do good.
If the libido doesn't seem to decrease, visit a sexologist.
Also a word of advice, sex is good when there is consent. I urge you to respect your partner’s choice if she declines sex sometimes. You don’t want to lose your entire relationship to your libido right?
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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