Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
I Am a 23-Year-Old Dating My 37-Year-Old Aunt
I am a 23-year-old man. I have been in a relationship with a 37-year-old woman since the past 15 years. She is actually my distant aunt.
She used to come to my house regularly when she was looking out for a job. One night, around that time, while I was young and upset she comforted me by showing me love. She took my hand and kept it warm inside her vagina.
After this, she and I spent a lot of time feeling each other’s bodies. Every time I put my penis inside her vagina she would moan and tell me that I am the best person on planet earth. While we did this all my tensions and all my pain went off. I started doing well in my exams also and my parents were really happy with me. However, over a period of time, things changed.
Since the last few years, she has been seeing this new guy, who is my friend as well and my own age. She and he have been so close that it makes me feel jealous. Last week, in a fit of anger I informed my mother about our relationship. And my mother was very angry at my girlfriend and has asked her to stay away from me and my younger sibling who is 10 years younger than me. I wonder what my mother thinks? I wonder what I should do to win back her love? I will die if I don’t have her.
Man In Love
Dear Man In Love,
Love is a strange thing. It happens when you least expect. Hai na? And it is wonderful when your parents and the world around gets up and recognises your love. I understand. Who wouldn’t want that? Your mother may also want that for you. Love is all about understanding. Just as we expect our folks to understand us, it is our onus to understand where our parents are coming from too.
The age difference between you and your lover is immaterial, as long as you both are adults.
Considering that your girlfriend is 37 now, and she started having sex with you 15 years back, when she was 22, an adult. More importantly, you are 23 now, 15 years back, you were 8. Which means at 22 she had sex with a 8 year old. This is a classic definition of child sexual abuse.
If your mother is concerned, she is valid in her concerns. I know you love her, and it is not my place to make you feel guilty, because you are an adult now and it is definitely your choice. I should apprise you though - under POCSO (protection of children from sexual offences act 2012) you can file a case against your aunt.
Do have a word with your aunt. Check with her what she wants. Have a discussion that’s more rooted in love and conversations and not just in lust, angst and anger. Understand from her what her plans are, and share your own plans with her too. Seek the services of a psychologist if things get worse. She will have to make up her mind and so will you. Evading and running away from each other will never help you reach any consensus. You will have to discuss with each other and confront and comfort each other’s challenges and needs and desires.
Regarding your mother’s expectations and reactions – well, let's hope when you guys have made a strong decision you could tell your mother where it is going. You are an adult. You can take your own decisions. Don’t expect mom to understand or even consent to everything you wish. She will do if she feels so, you do what you feel so. Just be just, and respectful and lawful.
My Boyfriend’s Family Doesn’t Like Dogs!
I am in love with my dog. I love my dog so much that I cannot leave him for my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn’t mind dogs, he loves them too. But his family is not very loving towards dogs.
I took Sweety to his house the other day, they wanted to keep her tied in the heat as soon I went inside. I went in and was out in 2 minutes. In just those two minutes Sweety had a grumpy look on her face as if I had abandoned her. I don’t know what I should do. I am getting married next year.
Sweety Ki Amma
Dear Sweety Ki Amma,
Pets are family. And you are right in not deciding to part with them. I don’t understand this logic where a girl gets married and goes off to the guy's house and accepts his family and in fact, becomes one with their family. I mean, I am not against the big loud hum-aapke-hai-kaun giri of our lives, but that shouldn’t be minus the picture of Tuffy (Sweety), in the photograph.
Animals accept us as their pack. We are their family. Your to be husband is your family. If the fiancé thinks it is right to tie down your family member to a pole in the heat while you do the paai-laagus, maybe you should speak to your fiancé about it. Draw the line on what’s acceptable and what’s not.
You have touched a raw nerve. I will respond to this from my heart, not mind.
Animal lovers go great lengths to stand up for their pet children. If you want to go nuclear with your husband and you and your pet – try that. If you want your husband to instead be in your house after marriage – try that. If you want your husbands family to not interfere with Sweety – say that. And if they don’t agree to any of the above – keep the dog, there are many pet-loving husbands available. I will help you find one.
I wonder how true those who can dispose of their pet animals as per their needs can live up to their human counterparts.
Tread cautiously. Choose wisely.
Love to Sweety and Sweety ki Mummy.
Where Can I Get a Condom?
Where can I find a condom? I am 19 and want to use one.
Dear Curious Boy,
You will find a condom in a local medical store. You should not find odd asking. However, if you do, please point out. It is usually visible underneath the glass desk in the chemist.
No sharam, in asking for condom. Okay?
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)