Sexolve 155: ‘My Partner Has a Small Penis and It’s Affecting Us’

‘We live in a world where parents don’t want to accept that their children are having sex’, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

My Son Is the Passive Partner in Gay Sex

Dear RainbowMan,

I am 45 years old and a mother of two amazing boys. They are twins. My husband and I have been taking care of everything regarding our children in turns. They have been parented well. Even about sex. They are good students. They are good in everything. I am giving you a background so that you don’t assume that we are bad parents. However, somewhere we faltered. Somewhere they slipped out of our fingers. I mean not they, but one of them. My kids are 19. One of my children has been a little quiet and had come home with some bruises on his face. I got worried and asked him, but he did not respond properly.

Last week, when he was at his grand mother’s place, I decided to investigate. I went through his bags. I found a picture of another boy, his best friend, having anal sex with him. The other boy had penetrated my son. I was devastated, to say the least. I ran to my husband and told him that one of our sons is gay, my husband was cool with it, but when I told him that he is at the receiving end in their relationship, it wasn’t so positive a response. I also found condoms in his closet. I showed my husband the picture and he fumed. When my son returned home we first spoke to him properly and told him that we accept his homosexuality, but didn’t like him having sex at such a young age.

The discussion led to an argument and my husband slapped my son. I stopped my husband once, but didn’t think he was wrong in beating our son. This is too much. I am okay with him being gay, but why should we be okay with him being passive in the relationship and? How does he expect us to react when we discover that he was actually a ‘she’ in the relationship? We are progressive, but how progressive does he want us to be? Please guide me and my husband.

Regards,
Troubled Momma

Dear Troubled Momma,

Thank you for sharing your personal account with me.

Firstly, let me begin by thanking you and your partner for your acceptance of your son’s non-heterosexual sexuality. I understand that irrespective of how open parents are, they could have challenges in acceptance that don’t emerge from hate, but from the fear that their children would be attacked for being a minority.

However, there are a few concerns that I have regarding your account. Once our children are adolescent, we need to start treating them as beings with a mind of their own. It would be seen as an invasion of privacy when we peep into their closets and other personal stuff. At 19, or at 13, children do get exposed to sexuality and understand what sexual urges are. It would be wise to educate them and tell them what sex is, what sexual intercourse is, what sperm is and convey the important message that they should wait till we are adults to have sex. However, even at that stage, we should build a bond of trust so that children tell us what they are feeling rather than us feeling tempted to peep into their personal belongings.

Besides your acceptance of his sexuality, you need to accept his way of expression of his sexuality as well.

The role your son plays in the act of sexual intercourse, cannot be dictated by parents or anyone else. He will continue to have the kind of sex he prefers. All you can do is ensure that he has the knowledge on how he could be safe.

I am happy that you found condoms in his closet.

Your son has the knowledge of safe sex. He is using condoms. That should make you happy. You should heave a sigh of relief for that.

We live in a world where parents don’t want to accept that their children are having sex, and children are petrified at the thought of their parents having sex.

Regarding the way of having sex and what your son finds pleasurable – I would say, to each their own. Your child is an adult. He has his own body. He is old enough to understand his pleasure spots. That is a domain where your entry should be restricted.

For a moment, forget that he is your child and see him as a fellow adult individual. Looking at it as an adult-to-adult discussion, would you appreciate him prescribing the kind of sex that you should have with your husband?

I am glad that you have accepted his sexuality. Thank you for your empathy. I urge you and your partner to stretch your empathy a little more. Do not expect him to have sex the way you would deem it fit. He will have sex the way he feels pleasurable.

I also am holding a mirror to your face and seek self-reflection from you when I tell you this – pardon me if I am harsh - why would you be okay with your son being the one who is active (aka man who inserts) and not passive (the man who gets inserted) ? Is it your own age old subtle misogyny at play here?

If I have to sum up my respoonse in three words I would tell you – LET HIM BE.

You don’t need to control his life, you have your own to control. LET HIM BE.

Smiles,
Rainbow Man

P.S. And let’s abstain from hitting our children. It is not your right, it is a pity that you had to resort to such means despite being progressive at other levels.

My Partner Has a Small Penis Issue

Dear RainbowMan,

My partner has a very small penis. I can barely feel it when he inserts it inside me. I often end up without an orgasm. This is affecting our relationship. I don’t fight with him in bed because I don’t want to embarrass him, but my frustration shows in different ways. I get angry at other things and also feel attracted to other men and imagine them satisfying me when I masturbate. I don’t want it to get worse. I love him. Please help.

Big Issue

Dear Big Issue,

This is personal and you shared it with me - thank you for your trust.

At the outset, I should confess and seek your pardon - because I couldn’t understand your sex/gender from your name –however, irrespective, I hope my response is fitting.

Sexual challenges are best when addressed with your partner. I would suggest that you discuss this with him, openly. Ensure that you are not rude or insulting, but compassionate and understanding in your interaction when you address this.

The only way through this issue is through this issue. Take him through your feelings. He is not equipped to read your mind.

There is nothing that cannot be solved. Please visit a sexologist and explain your challenge to them. They can examine the penis and see if it is really so small that it is a cause of worry. I can say though that often sex can be satisfactory even when a penis is considered small.

There are positions and techniques that will make you feel satisfied irrespective of the size of the penis.

So I urge you to learn more. I urge you to open up to your partner. It would be best if you visit a sexologist.

Love,
RainbowMan

P.S. Keep the faith.

‘My Boyferiend Doesn’t Wash His Underwear’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a woman of 28 who is in a live-in for the past three years. We are in a different city far away from our family home, we began as roommates in two different rooms, now we live together in the same room, sharing the same bed. Till we were in different rooms and met casually for having sex, I didn’t notice much of his belongings. However, ever since we started staying together I have noticed that he doesn’t wash his underwear. Though it doesn’t stink, it irks me. I feel awkward telling him things because he has an anger issue. He may just hit me if I tell him. Should I control and tell him after marriage? How do I proceed?

Distressed Lady

Dear Distressed Lady,

Hygiene is the most important thing in sex. You have the right to be uncompromising in that.

Well, it is your partner’s choice to be unhygienic. And it is your choice to tell him that you do not appreciate having sex with him unless he regularly changes his underwear.

I have a question. How do you think of spending the entire life with a person who doesn’t even make it easy for you to speak to him? The deeper question is – do you really want to be with a person who beats you for speaking to him?

With you,
Hugs,
RainbowMan

P.S. Have you tried taking him to a counsellor? Or get a friend to intervene? Not about the underwear issue – but the anger issue?

THINK ABOUT IT!

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)