Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Am in Love With My Sister-In-Law’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been in a marriage for the past 4 years. I am a 30 year old woman. I have had multiple affairs with men before I got married to my husband. Ours is a love marriage. I have been sexually and emotionally satisfied with my husband and I love him very much. We are in fact, also planning our child. The situation I am in right now worries me more because I have no reason to feel like this.
Let me tell you what happened. Last summer, my husband’s sister was visiting us from the US. She and I bonded wonderfully before marriage, and we continue to be best of friends. She stayed over at our place and since we live in a small flat, we have been used to sleeping with each other on the same bed.
One night she slipped her hands inside my nightdress while sleeping. One thing led to another, and while my husband was snoring away to glory on the same bed, she gave me head and we fingered each other all night. Till then we have had no such inclination or even thought that bisexuality is something that we could be into.
After that night we have never spoken about it to each other due to guilt, but on the contrary, we have made love again and again many times over. We exchanged love notes and we think we are inseparable.
My problem is that I love my husband too much too! And I have gay friends and I stand for LGBT rights and all that, I however see myself as an ally and not as an LGBT person. Am I turning bisexual? I find this absurd and weird. Is my sister-in-law lesbian? What is happening? Am I doing something wrong?
Worried At 30
Dear Worried At 30,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your marriage and more importantly for finding a partner who loves you. It is really a blessing to have someone who matches your wavelength. I also totally understand your predicament. It is for the couple to decide what is best for the couple. And from where I am looking at, it feels like you both had signed up for a committed relationship.
So while I don’t judge you for your sexual or emotional adventures, I do not think it is fair on your married partner to be kept in the dark. But I do acknowledge that this is a judgement that I am passing.
However, speaking strictly about your inclination towards women… well, no one can really say at what age one realises their sexuality and wishes to confirm to one.
Sexuality cannot be “converted” from one form to another, however, it can be confirmed, unconfirmed, affirmed all through life. Though whether you are gay or straight or bisexual is something that you and only you can say, I have to tell you that it is not rare that people realise their sexuality later in life. Feel what you feel, as long as you feel it. Don’t give your feelings a name, or make it fit into a prototype.
Love is a polymorph. It takes different forms for different people.
The love that you feel for a man need not always be compared to the love that you feel towards a woman. Please give this time. Let it mature into whatever it does. If you feel uncomfortable in this relationship with your sister in law and feel guilty that you are hiding this from your husband, check if you would want to address that guilt.
However, be informed, you feeling love for someone of your own sex is not wrong, or absurd, or weird.Acknowledge that probably you are feeling it is wrong because you are already in a relationship and your partner is not in the know of what’s happening with you.
As far as your relationship with your sister in law goes, I would suggest, give it time, give it space, and give it thought and direction.
I trust good will happen in the end if you have a clean heart.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
P.S. Don’t be harsh on yourself. To feel love is not a wrong thing.
‘I am a Gay Man Who Loves Older Men’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 19 year old gay man. My issue is that I am not attracted to people my age at all. Everyone I am in love with or have had sex with is above 30. I also had sex with someone who was 50 and that happens to be older than my father. I am being ridiculed as a gold digger just because I like older men.
Why is the LGBT community so cruel? Why don’t we have an understanding community? Is there something wrong that I love old men? “I have not been sexually abused by any old man in my childhood” I am tired of clarifying this to my friends who look for reasons for my liking towards old men.
Pissed Off Boy
Hey Pissed Off Boy,
I get you. I know that your love for older men need not have a causative factor. Just as there is no need to look reasons why you or I are gay. You love men, because you love men. You love older men, because you love older men. There needn’t be any other ‘because’ to justify your likings and your leanings.
I wonder why people don’t get this thing that is actually very simple
We could love because we love. We could love because we love to love. We always don’t need a reason or a season to love the way we love.
We are from the same community, and I <heart> you, I understand you. I also acknowledge that there are stinging rays in our LGBT community. But believe me, they are just as good or bad as everyone else. That’s what makes it equal and same. We are as cruel and as kind as everyone else.
Age is not a factor that I consider for love. Love in itself is an ageless and sometimes a formless phenomenon. Love when you get love, and let not someone’s attitude define how you must love.
You do not need to be sexually abused by older men to love older men. You don’t need to be abused by men to love men. You just love, love.
Smiles,
Rainbowman.
P.S. You are a love digger! And love is gold!
‘I Ejaculate Very Quickly While Making Love’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 34 years old man and have not had sex with a woman yet, though I have been in a relationship. I have a peculiar problem that I wish to share. I ejaculate very quickly while trying to making love. Is this a sexual problem?
Quick Quickie
Dear Quick Quickie,
Thank you for writing to me. The fact that you ejaculate quickly could have several reasons. One of them could be excitement that you are unable to control, even being anxious could add to your early ejaculation. I would suggest that you meet a sexologist early.
Practices like stopping to masturbate when you are close to orgasm and then restarting it may be helpful in training your body to delay ejaculations.
Your sexologist could be a better guide though.
Love,
RainbowMan.
P.S. I hope you fall in love soon and have a satisfactory sex life.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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