Dad, I Love You, but How Do I Deal With Your Second Childhood?

Sounds familiar?For most of us - no matter how much we rebel against their strictures - our parents are, quite literally and figuratively, the walls behind our backs. They are people who stand up for us, support us in every conceivable way and never lose faith in us. And we can’t ever imagine them not playing that role in our lives.But then, as the years roll by, we see a gradual but steady reversal of roles. The parents seem to depend on us more and more, they begin to take our opinions and verdicts seriously, seem a little more infirm every day. And all at once we realise that yes, we have grown up, but our parents have also become old.It’s an unnerving feeling, one doesn’t quite know how to come to terms with it - especially if a parent (or an equivalent elderly family member) starts behaving uncharacteristically. Some people become irritable and even distrustful of their caring children, some might become totally withdrawn from life.So as caregivers who really care, how do we deal with the second childhood of a parent? We spoke to experts to find out:What Causes Personality Changes in the Elderly?From cognitive degeneration and loneliness to depression and confronting one’s own mortality - according to psychiatrists, there are many reasons behind the apparent change in an elderly person’s personality.What Can Caregivers Do?Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Sagar Mundada recommends that children reserve a little time every day exclusively for their old parent.Give your parents at least half-an-hour of your time every day. It’s a small step that goes a long way in ensuring their mental well-being. Be subtle and convey that you care for them through your words and action - the elderly often have an increased emotional vulnerability. And most importantly, don’t ignore problems thinking they are “age-related”. Early intervention helps treatment of conditions like dementia or depression. Dr Sagar Mundada, Consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapistLoss of dignity and self-worth is one of the inevitable characteristics of old age, and it’s supremely important to guard your parent from it as far as possible, feels Pune-based psychotherapist Debasmita Sinha.Appreciate who they were in their hey days and help them maintain independence and self-sufficiency as far as possible. Most elderly people like doing certain things the way they have been doing it for years - try not to disrupt it. Engaging them socially and even exercise go a long way to help. Debasmita Sinha, Psychotherapist But above all, what a caregiver needs is patience. “Even if it means listening to the same stories over and over again. This is not the same person you remember as your parent while growing up. But they need to be helped, guided, reasoned with again and again, and given instructions repeatedly without injuring their pride and dignity,” says Sinha.If a parent is single, Dr Mundada encourages the idea of finding companionship for them.If one of your parents is no more, seek new companionship for the other parent. This is difficult for children to digest, but will help your parent lead a more stable life. Dr MundadaSometimes however, there might be a case of “personality pathology”, says Dr Anuradha Sovani, professor & head, Department of Psychology, SNDT Women’s University, Mumbai. For instance, people who were rigid sticklers of routine would become more so with age, or someone who had an exaggerated sense of self-importance to begin with, would hate being sidelined and not listened to any more. This may lead to a high level of hostility and desperate attempts to seize control, which must be anticipated and defused or resisted in a timely fashion. Dr Anuradha Sovani, Professor & Head, Department of Psychology, SNDT Women’s University, MumbaiIt’s also very important to make space for yourself in the care-giving routine. Do remember: Care-giving is an exhausting task. Use resources - professional or family members - to take over the care of old parents while you can catch a break and relax. But try not to burden the grandchild with caring responsibilities. They may not be up to it but may not be able to tell you so directly.After all, we owe it to our parents.(Have you subscribed to FIT’s newsletter yet? Click here and get health updates directly in your inbox.)Sounds familiar?For most of us - no matter how much we rebel against their strictures - our parents are, quite literally and figuratively, the walls behind our backs. They are people who stand up for us, support us in every conceivable way and never lose faith in us. And we can’t ever imagine them not playing that role in our lives.But then, as the years roll by, we see a gradual but steady reversal of roles. The parents seem to depend on us more and more, they begin to take our opinions and verdicts seriously, seem a little more infirm every day. And all at once we realise that yes, we have grown up, but our parents have also become old.It’s an unnerving feeling, one doesn’t quite know how to come to terms with it - especially if a parent (or an equivalent elderly family member) starts behaving uncharacteristically. Some people become irritable and even distrustful of their caring children, some might become totally withdrawn from life.So as caregivers who really care, how do we deal with the second childhood of a parent? We spoke to experts to find out:What Causes Personality Changes in the Elderly?From cognitive degeneration and loneliness to depression and confronting one’s own mortality - according to psychiatrists, there are many reasons behind the apparent change in an elderly person’s personality.What Can Caregivers Do?Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Sagar Mundada recommends that children reserve a little time every day exclusively for their old parent.Give your parents at least half-an-hour of your time every day. It’s a small step that goes a long way in ensuring their mental well-being. Be subtle and convey that you care for them through your words and action - the elderly often have an increased emotional vulnerability. And most importantly, don’t ignore problems thinking they are “age-related”. Early intervention helps treatment of conditions like dementia or depression. Dr Sagar Mundada, Consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapistLoss of dignity and self-worth is one of the inevitable characteristics of old age, and it’s supremely important to guard your parent from it as far as possible, feels Pune-based psychotherapist Debasmita Sinha.Appreciate who they were in their hey days and help them maintain independence and self-sufficiency as far as possible. Most elderly people like doing certain things the way they have been doing it for years - try not to disrupt it. Engaging them socially and even exercise go a long way to help. Debasmita Sinha, Psychotherapist But above all, what a caregiver needs is patience. “Even if it means listening to the same stories over and over again. This is not the same person you remember as your parent while growing up. But they need to be helped, guided, reasoned with again and again, and given instructions repeatedly without injuring their pride and dignity,” says Sinha.If a parent is single, Dr Mundada encourages the idea of finding companionship for them.If one of your parents is no more, seek new companionship for the other parent. This is difficult for children to digest, but will help your parent lead a more stable life. Dr MundadaSometimes however, there might be a case of “personality pathology”, says Dr Anuradha Sovani, professor & head, Department of Psychology, SNDT Women’s University, Mumbai. For instance, people who were rigid sticklers of routine would become more so with age, or someone who had an exaggerated sense of self-importance to begin with, would hate being sidelined and not listened to any more. This may lead to a high level of hostility and desperate attempts to seize control, which must be anticipated and defused or resisted in a timely fashion. Dr Anuradha Sovani, Professor & Head, Department of Psychology, SNDT Women’s University, MumbaiIt’s also very important to make space for yourself in the care-giving routine. Do remember: Care-giving is an exhausting task. Use resources - professional or family members - to take over the care of old parents while you can catch a break and relax. But try not to burden the grandchild with caring responsibilities. They may not be up to it but may not be able to tell you so directly.After all, we owe it to our parents.(We all love to express ourselves, but how often do we do it in our mother tongue. Here's your chance! This Independence Day, khul ke bol with BOL – Love your Bhasha. Sing, write, perform, spew poetry – whatever you like – in your mother tongue. Send us your BOL at bol@thequint.com or WhatsApp it to 9910181818.)

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Dad, I Love You, but How Do I Deal With Your Second Childhood?

It’s unnerving to watch your parent behave uncharacteristically. As a caregiver, what do you do?

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Topics: Caregiver Old Age Psychiatrist