Sexolve 99: ‘How Do I Deal With Memories of My Sexual Abuse?’

Equal rights activist Harish Iyer answers any doubts you have on sexuality, love or relationships. Write in to him.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Feel Like Killing Myself’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have this problem every time I hear of any difficult case. I feel terrible. It triggers the thought of my own sexual abuse. I feel angry. I feel like killing myself. The recent case of the 8-year-old has triggered many disturbing thoughts in me. I don’t know how I could save myself from these feelings. I wonder how I could save myself from this.
Please help me.

Dear Love,

I can’t claim to understand what you are feeling. However, I can definitely tell you that I somewhat sail in the same boat at the moment.

If our own pain would not get us to change the world, nothing else possibly will.

Speaking as a fellow survivor of child sexual abuse, it is inevitable that we have triggers every time we hear of a gruesome tale of abuse. Sometimes this pain helps me realise that I am alive and I use this energy to revive my empathy and energise my batteries by raising my voice for the most oppressed.

I think every story that we hear in the newspaper deserves outrage and deserves the anger that it gets. But anger should be directed in a way that it doesn’t end up harming us or causing triggers about our own past. I suggest that you find a friend to speak to every time you face a situation like this.

I also very strongly recommend that you see a counsellor. Speaking to a professional will help you sort out things and direct your anger into productive action rather than empty rage. Unless we are strong ourselves, we can’t be the strength of others.

Keep the faith. This is a world where rapes and murders occurs, this is also a world where love and compassion exists. Look at both sides. Let not one thing only seem like the absolute truth in your eyes.

Regards
RainbowMan

PS: My hero Ellen De Generes says “be kind to one another”. I would go a step further and say, be kind to yourself too.

‘My Wife and I Had a Threesome, Now She’s Pregnant’

Dear RainbowMan,

My wife and I had a threesome with another guy. I am bisexual and my wife is willing to experiment. However, there’s a big problem. I think my wife is pregnant. Though that guy did not have sex with my wife per se, is there a possibility that his sperm on my body would have entered my wife’s body and made her pregnant? How do I know that this is my child?

Troubled Fantasy

Dear Troubled Fantasy,

I am not a doctor. However, with this caveat, I can share some general gyaan that I know. Ideally, sperms don’t survive outside the body for so long. There is less chance that his semen would have deposited on your body, been motile on your skin, and then gotten into your wife’s reproductive tract to impregnate her.

I am not judgemental about your fantasies, however, understand that there is no half way of doing this. If you are giving in to fantasies, do not try to later complicate issues with such ridiculous questions that involves not just you, but also your wife.

The child is in her womb. You have no right to insult her with such questions, especially when you were the person who gave in to these fantasies in the first place.

Regards,
RainbowMan

PS: Next time, use a condom.

Dear Rainbow Man,

I was 20 when I learned that being gay or lesbian or bi or pan is a thing. I have been in relationships with two guys since then for 6 months each but I never wanted to kiss them or anything. So last year, I was watching this music video and I found the lips of the model so intriguing. I couldn't stop thinking how it'd feel to kiss her. Then Harry Styles, (you must know him from One Direction, if you don't, you are missing out, you should totally check Harry out). As I was saying, he waved the rainbow flag on the first show of his tour and I lost it. I cried for hours not knowing what was happening but in that moment I felt so safe like I belong. Since then, I felt like I was bi but I am pretty sure I am grossed out by the thought of having a dick inside me. So I think I am lesbian but sometimes I feel like I am really not that I just want to be a lesbian. I mean sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes when I find a guy cute, I think I am not a true lesbian. It's not like I think about kissing him or anything. I mean I just need reassurance sometimes that yes I am a lesbian.

Thank you
A stupid lesbian

Hello Miss ‘Not Stupid’

First things first – of course, I know Harry Styles. And I also kind of find him cute. Not that he could make me gayer than what I am, but he is cute. I agree. I also find Alia Bhatt super pretty. I feel she has the potential of a Sridevi. She is my lady crush. Now, that doesn’t make me straight.

Coming to the point I am trying to make – you could be a woman who is straight and still get attracted to women. Or you could identify as a lesbian woman and still get attracted to men.

The question is – why do you wish to label yourself as anything? Wouldn’t it be beautiful if you just allowed yourself to feel what you are feeling without putting any label on yourself.

Take care
Smiles
RainbowMan

PS: Let “love” be the only label to define you. Feel love, live love, love love.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)