21 Honest Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Pati, Patni Aur Woh’
“Where can I abort mission”
1. We ALL know I’m not a Kartik fan, which is why it’s fair to question my decision to watch this film. But that’s all of my life’s decisions, no? For example, this waffle I had in the morning...
2. Anyhow, the movie has begun. So far our boi Kartik (who I shall refer to as the most bechara man of the century, aka BMC) is a nerdy goof who gets hitched to rebellious miss Pednekar #ManyavarLifeChoseThem
3. BMC has really done well for himself because Pednekar is literally SO COOL, she’s unapologetic and loud, and doesn’t give two hoots about pleasing people, a true #BadBeti. What’s more, she doesn’t even have no offensive blackface. Get me the chai, I’ve found my bahu.
4. WOAH WOAH WOAH. This eScALaTeD. BMC is NOT happy with his married life, he thinks he’s doing WAY TOO MUCh taking his wife out to the mall. Man, these men.
5. Okay to be fair, #BadBetiBhumi is also MAD demanding. She wants to move to Delhi and is straight up refusing to make babies unless they move. Wait, actually...makes sense. Nobody wants to raise another BMC. I hear you, boo. #SurgicalStrike
6. At this point I’d like to note that this film has very sexist, classist humour. But I’m not surprised so let’s just move on and get done with it.
7. Uh, another *unexpected* development. Ananya (the one with the real USC acceptance, not the one you hate from high school) has entered the picture and is doing some land business with BMC. The land business involves a lot of flirting. A lot of flirting. I’m just here thinking about our queen, our savoious #BadBetiBhumi. #ALLMEN
8. Hi, in my TedTalk I’ll talk about how BMC is making #BadBetiBhumi, his wife, choose shirts for him to wear so he can go impress his sidechick Ananya. WOW. Somebody give this man a medal for being ~JUSTANOTHERMAN~.
9. To make Ananya do the dirty with him, he’s lying to her about his wife, saying she cheats on HIM. This guy, he needs a one way ticket to Dr.Phil and a good ol’ whopping.
10. Did I tell you about Aparshakti Khurrana, the best friend who protects his BRO from messing up his triangle? He’s the only good part so far and that’s because he’s not pretending to NOT be the DJ of this CringeFest.
11. Live footage of Aparshakti single-handedly making the audience not walk out of the theatre:
12. I’m done with 2/3rd of this film and nothing is happening. Literally nothing is happening beyond the info we have from the film title. Why was this film made? Who paid for this? What are these drugs everyone’s snorting? Where can I buy them?
13. Anyway, a development, finally. Our girl #BadBetiBhumi has figured things out, she’s proper hyperventilating and I’m SO MAD I’m ready to go after this man. Say the word, sis.
14. Our girl #BBB is now with another manZz, she’s quick, she’s fierce, she’s unstoppable. #BowToOurQueen
15. Meanwhile, BMC is not interested in @annieP anymore, because...it’s about the chase, not the prize, duh. #WomenAren’tObjects
16. Anywayyyyy, #BBB is running away with her new boo, and I’m a little like... ???? Why??? YOU CAN BE SINGLE. Take a vacay, bb girl.
17. Meanwhile Bechara Man of The Century™ is drunk driving his way to sadness because his wife (whom he cheated on) is leaving on a jet plane like:
18. AND, with that dear friends, this film brings to us a scene we have never seen before: The AIRPORT CHASE. (GULP) (ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW THAT ENDS)
19. He hath arrived, our man BMC. BUT WAIT. The girls have gotten together! S!I!S!T!E!R!H!O!O!D!
19. OKAY GUYS. Moment of truth. Will she take him back? To make sure she doesn’t, we will now sacrifice a whole goat, and form the circle of magical sanity, pls join me, tickets on insider.in
20. He’s now doing the “I’ve only lied once” BS. Ugghhhh, TOXIC TOXIC EWWWW
21. And, ladies. Drinks on me tonight, because the patriarchy has won again, and she’s taken him back. Let’s all cry at the death of our queen. She went down, but she went down brave.
22. And with that, another Kartik movie does what a Kartik movie does. Here’s live footage of me collecting my disappointment once again, and leaving. Goodbye, frenz.
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