In queer parlance, “coming out” means acceptance of who one really is in terms of gender identity or/ and sexuality. Every LGBTIQ person has a coming out story. The fact that they identify as LGBTIQ stands testimony to the fact that they had once accepted that they are different from heterosexuals. They may or may not have come out to the world at large, or even to their folks, but just the fact that they accept who they are, means that they have come out to themselves.
When we speak specifically about coming out to parents, let me share that there have been several cases where people have just come out and their parents have accepted them without any drama or melodrama, let me focus on people who anticipate non-acceptance from their parents.
Here is a helpful (teenager’s) guide to coming out:
Well, there is no specific “best” time and date or any shubh mahurat. However, I would suggest that you come out only after you stand on your two feet and are emotionally, financially stable. I am not trying to hint that your parents may throw you out, but what I am trying to say is that even if they are unwelcoming you will be independent enough to move out and start your own life on your own terms.
Newspapers and the web is filled with people who discriminate and refuse jobs to LGBTIQ people. If you have a job, it only helps strengthening your case.
Learn about your parents’ interests. Do they like mythology? Do they love movies? Do they read books? Maybe it would help to get them acquainted with LGBTIQ issues through their interested medium.
It takes LGBT persons 4, 5, 10 and sometimes 20 years to come out to themselves and then the world. However, they expect immediate positive responses from their parents.
Sometimes, they will have to welcome another thought, without knowing that it existed in our world. Give them time.
When children come out of the closet, some parents get into one. Especially in the Indian context. They are suddenly faced with the elephantine question of “when will your child get married” by nosey relatives and well-wishing friends. There is an initial hesitance in uttering the LGBTIQ word. Give them time. And understand that it is okay even if they don’t say “aa gale lag jaa” or anything like that.
To accept or not accept is their choice. Give them that space.
That’s why I said, if you are certain of a negative reaction, come out only after you have a job, and your own roof over your head. Parents come in different shapes, sizes and temperaments. There is no one-reaction-fits-all.
Coming out to yourself is far more important than coming out to anyone. Take it on a case-to-case basis.
I know, I know that feeling. Parents sometimes are over accepting and want to know about your love life and sex life, and more importantly “how you do it”. Well, I would not mind explaining to my parents.
Don’t shout or scream, just remember politeness helps.
So, on that note. Happy ‘Coming Out’ Day!
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals. ‘Rainbow Man’ is Harish’s regular blog for The Quint)
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