While lack of systemic support makes it difficult for survivors to leave, what goes on inside their minds?
(Photo: Chetan Bhakuni/The Quint)
(Trigger Warning: Descriptions of assault. Reader discretion advised. Names of all survivors have been changed to protect their privacy.)
Leaving an abusive or toxic relationship isn't as simple as just walking out the door.
When 34-year-old Avni was married to her former husband, the most stressful part of her day was making his tea for breakfast. She would feel a lurch in her stomach, the build-up of tension.
The evening after the 'outburst' was some of the best times Avni remembers having with him.
Avni, who hails from an upper-middle-class family in Mumbai and works in advertising, survived the vicious cycle of intimate partner abuse – the tension build-up, explosion, and the honeymoon phase – for four years before she decided to walk out.
But many women – like 27-year-old Shraddha Walkar, who was abused and murdered by her partner Aaftab Amin Poonawala in Delhi – do not get the opportunity to do so.
The first sign of abuse – the first strike, or the first instance of cutting her off from the rest of the world – is, in most cases, seen as a "one-time thing" by the survivors, Rita Mendonca, a clinical psychologist practising in Mumbai, tells FIT.
Dr Kersi Chavda, a practising psychiatrist and a consultant at P.D Hinduja & Medical Research Centre, Mahim, elaborates that the one-time abuse becomes a 'once-in-a-while' occurrence, planting 'confusion' in the mind of the survivor. The context here is important, he adds: The abuser is her intimate partner, someone whom she is dependent on emotionally – making it difficult for her to walk out.
When abuse becomes a regular occurrence, survivors try to find a reason for the same. More often than not, they tend to think it is themselves, Kamna Chhibber, Clinical Psychologist, Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences, explains to FIT.
There are many layers to this, she says:
In this stage, the self-confidence of the survivor takes a hit
She fears that he might hurt their children or parents
She starts looking at herself more deeply, what it is that she is doing 'wrong'
In a state of shock, because this is not what she imagined the relationship to be
But a crucial thing also happens at this stage – trauma bonding, which is a psychological response to abuse, elaborates Mendonca. It is a pattern where the abuser will bombard the survivor with love and attention, and force the survivor to believe that love overshadows abuse, making it difficult for her to walk out.
At some point, survivors start to realise that what they are going through is not okay, say experts, adding that this is also at a stage where their self-worth is "completely destroyed."
When survivors reach this stage, they are usually isolated, with their friends and family having no clear picture of what actually transpires between the couple. In many cases, the survivor feels that she "deserves the abuse," making it difficult for her to walk out.
Survivors are also forced to believe that abuse is normal – especially if their parents have also been through the cycle.
But that happens at a later stage. First, the need is for a safe space for survivors to speak out.
"It is easy for everyone to say why they cannot just walk out. But it is also the last thing you must say to a survivor," says Dr Chavda. Instead:
Get her care – a third-party safe space with whom she can talk without the fear of being judged
Ask how she can be supported once she chooses to leave
Ask whether she has the financial means to walk out
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