Patakhas this year are infused with plastic parts. More so than previous years.
Our bodies have been processing particulate matter, air pollution and carcinogenic fumes from when we were in the womb. It’s been causing asthma, altering sexual orientation, wreaking hormonal havoc and steadily creating novel strains of cancer, all on the sly.
All of this will come to a head in ‘The Next Seven Days...!!’
Ours will be the last generation of humans in the Indian subcontinent. We’re all going to become ‘DiZombies’ (Diwali Zombies).
Here’s How You’ll Turn Into a DiZombie
Two days after Diwali, our respiratory functions will stop. Our lungs will clog up, with the influx of particulates over four times denser than that found in a Friday-evening- traffic-jam in Delhi. The fumes and semi-dissolved plastic strands will chafe at the throat and wind-pipe one last time, making them swell to seven times their normal size, causing automatic asphyxiation.
Our ear drums will burst from imbalance in the pressure of fluids within, causing multiple haemorrhages in different parts of the brain.
By this time, our bodies will have developed an evolutionary strain of intelligent, sentient cancer that will take over our motor functions, after we are brain dead.
The Di-Zombification will be complete within a week from Diwali.
It’s only a matter of time now. It’s no use stockpiling food or supplies. You won’t need them.
All you can do is look for the symptoms and binge watch zom-B-movies (hehehe), or television soaps – which is probably the same thing, only with more make-up and fake hair – as long as you’re aware of yourself. Of course, the mega-serials might hasten the process.
How do you know if you’re on your way to becoming a DiZombie?
Here are two of the major symptoms:
1. Loss of the Ability to Name Something or Captionise
Quick! Think of a good title for this piece. If you can think of nothing better than the one you see, it means the rot has set in. If you think of something worse, it means you’re on to Stage 2 of ‘The Scourge’.
I know my captions in bold italic are horribly irritating. But I can’t help it. It’s one of ‘The Symptoms’. Do you feel ‘The Urge’ to cover all written word into grotesque captions? It’s time for ‘Your Final Countdown’.
2. Sudden Sweet Tooth for Human Meat Based Mithai
Diwali is as much about mithais, as it is about zombies. Why do you think you develop an especially sweet tooth on Diwali each year? It’s not your genes or tradition. It’s ‘The Sentient Cancer’.
I’m going to give in to this symptom (I don’t have a choice. Neither do you). Instead of the binge-watching, I’m going to binge-eat mithai, made with the body parts of some famous/infamous humans. I need to get to them before they are zombified.
In the meantime, I’m putting together a recipe book.
Watch out for ‘Human Meat Mithai Recipes: Zombyum!’ coming soon to this space.
This will be my last piece as a human.
(Vikram Venkateswaran is a freelance writer, TV producer and media consultant. Headings, titles and captions are his kryptonite. He lives in Madurai and is occasionally struck by the feeling that the city likes him back.)
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