5 Ways in Which India can Attempt (and Fail at) Themed Weddings!

Beach weddings among horse poop, underwater weddings amidst Ganesha limbs – how would India’s themed weddings look?

There’s this cool concept of ‘themed weddings’ in the west. What’s that, you say? Why, they have everything from their wedding invites to their party favours reflecting one overarching theme. This could be anything from ‘Fairyland’ to ‘Lord of the Rings’ to even an iPad wedding (we’re not kidding). It’s pretty awesome.

Now, the question is – how would this work in India? A country where the theme of a shaadi is mostly – well, overdressing. And dancing raucously with abandon. And passing judgement on what others are wearing.

So, this week we thought, how about superimposing some of these themed weddings on to an Indian backdrop? How would that work, exactly? Let’s have a looksie.

Beach Wedding

A beach wedding in the west has the couple taking vows with the cerulean ocean in the backdrop. It’s all really romantic – the horizon, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and all that.

A beach wedding in India would, of course, have all this. And then a coconut seller. (Because they’re everywhere.) And how does one get by without mentioning the precious, squealing child on a galloping horse somewhere? If you’re lucky, the horse will decide not to have a bowel movement behind you. If you’re not, just throw some sand over it, okay?

Medieval Wedding

What’s a medieval wedding like? Why, you must go the whole hog – right from invites in the form of ancient-looking scrolls, a castle that you can take your vows in front of, and very joust-y clothes that the guests will have to hire – because, let’s face it, no one owns clothes like that.

So, if you’re in India and you want your medieval wedding moment in the sun, here’s what you and your would-be would have to do. First: hire clothes from the same lot that designs gaudy ensembles for dance shows (where else would you find such dhin-chak stuff?) Second: since there are no castles (this ai’nt Scotland), you’d have to settle for a fort somewhere (there are plenty in India). Also, wedding day preps would require a large round of monitoring of the premises, to make sure that snogging couples don’t occupy various corners of the fort. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

Underwater Wedding

Some people won’t settle for a wedding on terra firma. It simply doesn’t make the cut. So they decide to tie the knot with turtles and fish in the audience. Yup, underwater – with snorkelling masks and everything.

This would be interesting in India. Say, the couple decides to take the plunge in Mumbai (no pun intended). First, great effort would have to be taken to ensure that everyone can see the other because the waters can be pretty murky around here. The couple may also have to be pretty agile, ducking the various limbs of the Ganesha that will be floating around. Add to that all the flowers from all the poojas performed at the wedding that might make their way up your nose.

Can we just agree that an ‘over water’ wedding would probably be better?

Autumn Wedding

Ah! For an autumn wedding! Does it not conjure up marvellous images of orange, ochre and yellow leaves billowing around – with a Meg Ryan and a Billy Crystal walking hand-in-hand. Sigh.

Now, in India, let’s be real – autumn isn’t exactly a season. I mean, there is a period between frustrating heat and maddening cold, but it doesn’t exactly evoke images of trees taking their time to prettily shed their leaves. Couples wanting to do an autumn wedding will have to invest in huge fans that will cause leaves to blow. Depending on the speed and throttle of the fan, this might leave you spitting out leaves – very unlike a real-life Yash Raj movie. Let’s just leaf it at that, shall we?

Garden Wedding

A wedding in the lush greenery of the backyard? Yes, please. With twinkling fairy lights and bright flowers? Totally. A garden wedding anywhere is picturesque.

But in India, there might be a few things you may have not accounted for. Like the local laughing club with pot bellied uncles standing around in circles and guffawing. Yeah – that might come in the way of the quiet wedding you were going for. Or, the fiery aunties with their dupattas thrown across their shoulders and their shoes laced up, raring to go. You might also be better off handing out tubes of mosquito repellent as wedding favours. The couple may or may not have butterflies in their stomach but there will be plenty of butterflies otherwise.

(Mansi Shah is founder of the blog Damsel in Destress which reviews experiences as varied as spas, books and plays. Mansi is, by her own admission, “clueless” at 30 with an easy penchant for humour.)