This One’s For the Women Who Can’t Say Their Husband’s Names

“A husband is God, we are his property, how can we take his name?”

“You can bear his children, but not say his name?”

I ask Vinita didi, who hails from a tiny village in Bihar and has been cooking for me for the past one year. This ‘tradition’ was passed to Vinita by her mother, who in turn was taught by her mother that calling your husband by his name reduces his aayu (age). She doesn’t want to upset the Gods.

Hanji, suno, Bittu’s father, or so on is how women in small towns, like the one I grew up in, called their husbands too.

I found it absurd, but only wish I knew back then that this was patriarchy masquerading as acchi sanskriti, as good manners.

If you are remotely familiar with the India I am talking of, you will know that calling their husband’s name for the first time can be a tiny act of rebellion for such women — a baby step towards the glorious goal of dismantling patriarchy.

Watch how these women from Maharashtra feel when they say their husband’s name for the first time.

(Video Courtesy: Video Volunteers)

The video is the result of efforts by a single woman, Rohini Pawar, who holds local gender discussion clubs in the village of Walhe, near Pune, as a community correspondent for Video Volunteers.

There were women who were married for thirty years, who had never said their husband’s name. It was shocking for them to take their husband’s name after all this time.

Rohini Pawar

That you have been married for thirty years; shared a bed for thirty years and yet can’t utter your husband’s name is symptomatic of the tilted gender politics in our marriages.

Pawar’s tiny endeavour became more remarkable when she successfully convinced her husband to let her call him by his name last October – she was to lead by example, she told herself.

I would go to our worshops and see our madam (Jessica Mayberry, Founding Director at Video Volunteers) address her partner by name. They were equal. And I thought that if this can happen in the cities, why not in my own village. 

Rohini Pawar, Community Correspondent, Video Volunteers

Rohini is among the 56 Video Volunteers Community Correspondents who run such gender discussion clubs in 15 states across the country. Rohini shoots films, and uses them to tackle gender biases.

Rohini’s work has invited scorn from other village members. “Pehle naam lengi, fir sindoor lagana band kar dengi... yeh sab nahin chalega, apni patni ko kass kar rakho (First they will take our name, then they will avoid wearing sindoor; this can’t happen, rein your wife in),” they told her husband.

Rohini’s husband, however, is proud of her work.

An instance Pawar narrates shows, better than any news report, the significance of calling your husband by his name.

One woman was sick and tired of her husband for not contributing to the household expenses and hitting her. When we asked her to take her husband’s name, she said it with such anger. She later told us she felt a sense of freedom in doing that. 

Rohini Pawar, Community Correspondent, Video Volunteers

While we go about battling for equality, let’s not forget the women who still don’t have the freedom to use their husband’s name.

(We all love to express ourselves, but how often do we do it in our mother tongue?Here's your chance! This Independence Day, khul ke bol with BOL – Love your Bhasha. Sing, write, perform, spew poetry – whatever you like – in your mother tongue. Send us your BOL at [e-mail] or WhatsApp it to 9910181818.)