Impossible Things and What They Taught Me About TV News Shows
TV channels host some of the most fantastical news, stuff that you will never find anywhere else.
(This is a satirical opinion piece and the views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast” (The White Queen, in Alice in Wonderland).
‘Imma Bounce’ seems to be everywhere! Can you guess what he/she/it is? Well, to find out you will have to follow the White Queen’s advice about believing in impossible things. So here is a list of ten things you need to know to solve this mystery (why list?).
One: The BizarreTimesNow channel told us in gory detail that ‘Imma Bounce’ is a bounced cheque. The cheque was named Imma and the fact that it had bounced could be deduced from permanent bounce marks on it. We do not know how many times it bounced or whether someone had seen it bouncing, or even why the cheque named itself or who else would have an interest in calling it Imma. Why not Emma? And in case you didn't know, BizarreTimesNow is one of the most popular Indian TV news channels.
It hosts some of the most fantastical news, stuff that you will never find anywhere else. It is full of super enthusiastic anchors who could outbox the best boxers in the world. Even Fox News anchors take lessons from those at BizzareTimesNow. Anyway, back to the list. So, why was ‘Imma Bounce’ on the BizarreTimesNow channel?
Two: Unless you are an ostrich, you would know that the most important issue globally, right now, is the mystery surrounding the tragic death of actor Sushant Singh Rajput. He reportedly died by suicide but the case has acquired many different dimensions, ranging from whether it was murder, whether he was drugged, and whether money was swindled from his accounts.
Three: BizarreTimesNow decided that the main accused should be his girlfriend. We will call her Jane Doe (to protect the identity of those investigating her) and the channel has been efficiently generating millions of pieces of evidence per day, through its own investigations.
Four: This TV channel has access to some of the highest quality leaks emanating from one of the best-known crime investigations (in the history of crime investigations), into the death of the Bollywood actor. At least ten agencies are involved in the probe (names not revealed to protect their privacy). A reference to ‘Imma Bounce’ was discovered in the leaked WhatApp chats of Ms Doe. BizarreNowTimes has concluded that this has something to do with Jane Doe’s swindling her boyfriend’s bank account.
However, the channel says it has no idea how Imma cheques bounce to swindle. It is now working on an alternative theory that ‘Imma Bounce’ refers to the possible connection of Jane Doe to professional bouncers who could kick the shit out of anyone.
Here is a nice Quora explainer on what a bounced check is, and it also tells you the ten things you need to know about how to bounce checks, in case you want to try it yourself. And so you think the mystery is now solved? Far from it. The waters are just too muddied. So back to the list. Who muddied what?
Five: A wink-wink IT cell of a political outfit has released photos and videos of a woman being intercepted at an American airport by an immigration officer of Indian origin. The IT cell said that this woman was ‘Imma Bounce’ and she was essentially black money “travelling” from India to America because she was a bounced cheque! In their “wink wink” manner they also whispered that the immigration officer was their “own man.”
But a human and a cheque, can these change into each other? Feeling perplexed? Well, you should not. We have seen incredible technologies before. Remember the biosatellite technology – the one that took down the coronavirus because of the beating of utensils by using the NASA SD13 wave detector. Some incredible real science here. And all developed by us. Really proud. But there is more. So back to the list.
Six: Financial experts disagree that ‘Imma Bounce’ is a cheque or a person. They deny these absurd theories and say that these words are a secret instruction to the bankers to bounce a cheque the moment they see it. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this kind of code was devised during the time of demonetisation, when many corrupt businesses were issuing cheques but their accounts did not have enough funds.
Seven: Some voices from Bollywood have argued that ‘Imma Bounce’ refers to nepotism in Bollywood, as in, “I was bounced into the film industry by my parents/relatives.”
Eight: Some Twitter users have insisted that the WhatsApp chats of Ms Doe should also be searched for phrases like “catch you later, alligator.” These may indicate an animal smuggling angle. Suspicions about this were aroused when images of Ms Doe eating cake inside a zoo, near the alligator enclosure, surfaced on her Instagram account.
Channels and investigators are now scurrying to find these words in the leaked chats. It comes as a relief for her that no other financial codes like “WTF”– standing for “Where r The Funds” – have been found in the chat messages, yet. Though, these might still be inserted at a later stage.
Nine: Millennials (for any ten things you need to know about this community, click here) are really angry. They tend to use acronyms like WTF (as above, or google for alternatives), ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing), SMH (shaking my head) in place of regular phrases, at least in written messages. According to them, ‘Imma Bounce’ simply means “I am leaving”. They have been deeply offended at their lingo being used for mundane things like bouncing cheques.
A millennial who goes by the name OfBoomer (to know about Boomers click here) has filed an FIR under section 153A. OfBoomer told the press that the FIR is about the appropriation of linguistic artefacts from persecuted communities and that such acts promote enmity between millennials and non-millennials.
No action has been taken on the FIR yet because the police are still trying to figure out whom to arrest. A deep linguistic analysis is being carried out before any action is taken.
Ten: (Finally!) Updates - (a) It looks like “people” are now focused on this superlative performance by a one-man TV show, called the “The Nation Wants to Know”. Click here to watch. This is unique, NHB* music. (*never-heard-before)
(b) BizarreTimesNow channel wants to implant a GPS chip (of the type that India invented for tracking currency notes) in the ‘Imma Bounce’ cheque so that they can track wherever it/Imma goes – especially to which countries and banks. They are still trying to find the cheque. The channel, under fire for producing alternative facts, has been ranting endlessly, “explaining” how they present news in a creative manner – not like Doordarshan’s drab bulletins – which often means inserting analysis of imaginary events. They said that creative news is very much needed for increasing viewership. They have promised to continue the hounding of whoever they crown as the “accused”, with their CONFIRMED, TRUTH-REVEALED, FINAL-NAIL-IN-THE-COFFIN breakthroughs multiple times, everyday. Such hounding will be carried out relentlessly – and systematically – by the boldest TV channels, piloted by the brightest and creative anchors.
(c) Homeland Security have clarified that they did intercept a suspicious character but had to let her go when she proved to them that she was actually Anthony Gonsalves. Apparently, she proved her identity by singing the correct song. Anyway, I hope that I have solved the curious case of ‘Imma Bounce’.
I shall now listen to some more NHB music and watch the wonderful stories that are being spun on the BizzareTimesNow channel. New stuff about drugs in Bollywood, and nepotism, ie Season 2 of “Impossible Things” has just started streaming! This fake news stuff is just sooo addictive!
(Anurag Mehra is a faculty member at the Indian Institute of Technology, Bombay.)
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