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Sexolve 17: “If I Cross-Dress Am I a Transgender or a Homosexual?”

All your questions on sex, sexuality and relationships answered here.

Updated
LGBT
6 min read
Am I a cross-dresser, homosexual or transgender? (Photo: iStock)

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.

Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

Hey darling, can you please push the stool… said one gay man to another…. in a bar.

When physiology doesn’t go with sexuality, what do you do? (Photo: iStock)
When physiology doesn’t go with sexuality, what do you do? (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,
I have a funny problem. I feel like passing motions when I am having sex. Especially when my partner rims me. Due to this, I would have to stop him from doing so in the middle of the act when I actually want to beg him to do more. My physiology and my sexuality don’t go together. I am too embarrassed to tell him. What do I do? Is anal sex that important?

Regards,
Salman Khan, DownThere

Dear Salman Khan,

It is normal to feel like that about anal sex. Indians wet their anus while pooping, very different from the tissue culture of the US. So when the anus gets wet by suckling, your senses might be reliving the same feeling.

Secondly, when a penis goes through and fro your anal opening, it is the same opening that stools pass. So it is possible that again your senses remind you of the same feeling.

The issue is if you feel the feeling a little too much than normal. Here are some steps that you could follow.

* Poop out before sex. Ensure that every little bit is flushed out.

* If it is your special date, and you want to be doubly sure, try anal douche. You will get the apparatus in the medical shop. It is nothing but a devise that you use to pump water inside the anus and clean it up.

You should not be douching too often. The natural bacteria in your anal lining should not be washed out, especially the ones that are good for your body.

Not teasing you per se, but your question reminded me of a popular joke on our community. People tried to use this to bully me, I kind of laughed along with them, because, funny is funny. Here’s how it goes.

What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?

“Darling, can you push my stool”

That flows in to the second part of your question. yes joke is untrue though. The truth is that not all gay men love anal sex. Like I don’t. I am happy with cuddles and getting the mouth to do more than talking, though I don’t mind it.

But there are men, gay and straight and bi, who love anal sex. It is “important” if that is how you would define “complete sex”. It is how you feel and how you define it and how you feel about it. Just two golden rules.

1. Play safe.

2. Don’t play along, if you don’t really want to, just because you HAVE to. You DON’T “have to”.


Keep the faith. Happy orgasms through, foreplays, core plays, rims and fellatios to you.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Please watch some youtube videos on anal douche.

After 10 years of marriage and 8 years of sex, my husband and I have not seen each other naked yet.

You deserve to be treated like a human in bed, not an object. (Photo: iStock)
You deserve to be treated like a human in bed, not an object. (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,
My husband and I have been in a relationship for the past 10 years and in a sexual relationship since the past 8 years. For the first two years of marriage we did not get intimate, in fact even now, we have not seen each other naked. He just asks me to remove my clothes and lie down under the blanket while he takes a shower. After the shower, he joins me in bed, dressed in his boxers and t shirt. He doesn’t allow me to touch him. He just instructs me to lie down with my hands on my head. If I don’t, he forcefully puts my hands there. He then puts his penis in my vagina even without removing his boxers or t-shirt completely. He keeps doing it till he comes. He withdraws the moment he orgasms, usually leaving sperm on my stomach, making me feel very dirty about it. Needless to say, I have never had an orgasm through him. I spend half an hour masturbating after that trying to get myself to orgasm. I feel unsatisfied. I feel upset.
Human, India


Dear Human,
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me. Let me begin by telling you that you are not his sex object. In fact, you are not an object. Human. That’s what you are. Human. And that’s what you should be treated as. What you both shared as a couple is not ‘Love’ or even ‘Sex’. It is more like a custom that married couples have to engage in. Did you speak to your husband? Did you tell him that you do not like being treated like this? Please do speak to him. I could gather from your profession mentioned in the mail I got ( which I edited out) that you are highly educated. You should speak to him and reason with him. Maybe he is suffering from some sort of an issue, that he needs help with. Maybe, he is embarrassed about something, like his penis size or something like that. Or maybe, he is a closet homosexual? There are many probabilities. But none can be used as a justifiable reason to abuse you and humiliate you this way. Since he has been with you for 10 years, may be it is time that you strike a conversation with him and ask him. If you consider him to be your friend, help him through it. But if he responds negatively to your question, leave him. Start life afresh. You are young, you are independent, you need no one in your life, especially not people who make you feel bad about your body.

Never let your gender come in the way of your desires. A woman doesn’t have to ‘submit’ to her husband as a rule. It is your body and you have the power to decide what it likes and how it is to be treated. No one, I repeat NO ONE has the right to disrespect that.

Love,
RainbowMan

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I like dressing like a girl, but don’t desire to become a girl, am I a transgender?

Am I a cross-dresser, homosexual or transgender? (Photo: iStock)
Am I a cross-dresser, homosexual or transgender? (Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 20 year old boy. Ever since I have been 5 years old, I have loved wearing sarees and dressing like women. I loved the idea of having cotton and socks stuffed as breasts. I loved looking at myself in the mirror dressed as a woman. Of late, I have also been fascinated by ladies underwear and I love to wear them. I don’t wish to turn into a girl or fancy having real breasts. I am attracted to girls, not boys. But I am confused. Am I homosexual or transgender?
Confused,
Chennai.


Dear Confused,

There are many men who love dressing up as women. There are many men with many fantasies. That doesn’t make them homosexual or even transgender. If you were a transgender, you would feel very strongly that you do not belong to the gender that you have been assigned to at birth. You will feel the undying urge to migrate into another gender. To put it more explicitly, you may also feel like having a vagina and breasts and will want to get rid of your penis. You have said you have no such feelings. You merely want to dress up like a woman. Many men feel like that. You are not alone. Also, all the men who feel like that are not transgender. So no, by what you are telling me, I don’t think you are a transgender, but someone who just likes to cross dress.

Now to the second part of your question about homosexuality. Well, you have answered that yourself. You are attracted to girls and not boys, that means you are heterosexual.

I hope I have answered your question. But if there is something more that still bothers you, do write back. I’m all ears.

Love,
RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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