Why Men MUST Marry (Or Not)

You must marry, gentlemen – how else will you join the ever-swelling tribe of men-turned-philosophers?

So, you have finally found the angel you were looking for. She looks so beautiful and unbelievably wonderful that you can’t take your eyes off her. She floors you with her witty sparring and you are stunned by her perfect humour and intelligence. You pat yourself on the back for at last beginning a journey of happily-ever-after with this perfect soulmate.

Well, it’s time you got married!

To the world you pronounce that you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with her. Secretly, you know the real reasons for this regressive decision. The crazy disorderliness of your lifestyle – the higgledy-piggledy meals; the tsunami-hit cupboards have begun to get to you. Yes, you have done it all and are perhaps finally ready to get domesticated.

Your hair has started thinning and your paunch has started swelling. You dread the time girls will start calling you “Uncle.” So if not now, when? Besides, don’t you need to marry to produce little clones who can carry the legacy of your brilliant brains forward? Don’t you owe that to society?

So in you plunge! Like all beginnings, your initial years too are the stuff dreams are made of. But Life is crueller than you thought!

Before long, you realise – something strange has happened to your partner. You wonder when her witty sparring degenerated into fierce shrieking; when she started giving more importance to her career, her friends and her empowerment than you?

You are horrified at the restrictions she puts on you:“Come back on time!” “Don’t drink too much!” “ No, I will not allow!” “Let us go to my relatives’ house!” “Why did you do/say this?”

Perhaps Marriage Wasn’t for a Free Soul Like You...

In the wake of the birth of your much-awaited progenies, her reed-like waist gets transformed into a one BHK. She even smells of baby pukes and curdled milk! Excitement, attraction, thrills – where did you disappear, you protest silently? (Of course, you choose to ignore your own transformation from an agile horse into a bloated whale. Men can be men, after all, your conscience assures you!)

The past dances tantalisingly on your mind screen like teasing screensavers on your phone screen. Was there really a time when you were the all-night party animal? And have you really become this pet monkey dancing to the tune of responsibilities, expectations and complaints? Was there really a time when your phone messages were never checked? And have you really become this trembling peace-buyer who instantly deletes every suspicious mail?

As you long for those good old days when you could lie in bed drinking from endless cans; throwing your socks, cares and wet towels anywhere you liked; taking off anywhere – even in the middle of the night – if the mood took you over, self pity engulfs you. You decide marriage was not a smart experiment for a free soul like you, after all.

But darn! The alimony will be too expensive and what would happen to the kids? So you join the club of resigned-to-their-fates husbands who forward sick marriage jokes; drown their sorrows in alcohol on Boys’ Nights Out; long for the crazy disorderliness of your earlier lifestyle and wonder when you and your partner changed from soulmates to cellmates.

The Luring of Sacrificial Lambs

But wait, please do not write off marriage completely. How else would you have joined the ever-swelling tribe of married men-turned philosophers? How else would you have got the pleasure of luring new incumbents into the institution just to rag them?

So when the next dreamy-eyed young man asks you, “I’ve found my angel! Do you recommend marriage?” You instantly put on the poker face each married man becomes an expert at donning when asked the trick question by their wives, “Do I look fat in this dress?”

You push down the sardonic laughter that threatens to overcome you, muster up enthusiasm and say,

“Of course, old boy. Every Man MUST Marry.”

(Neelam Kumar has battled cancer twice. A writer of 5 books, including one with Mr Khushwant Singh, Neelam’s latest book ‘To Cancer, With Love – My Journey of Joy’ was published by Hay House Publishers in 2015. It is the first humorous book on cancer to come out of India. Neelam lives in Mumbai and can be reached at [e-mail])

(After the happily cynical article Every Girl MUST Marry (Or Not) – written for the happily cynical woman, Neelam Kumar pens its companion piece, Every Man MUST Marry (Or Not). Why you should read them? They’re perfectly bitter, hilarious takes on the institution of marriage that you know everyone’s secretly thinking!)