Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In was gifted to me in 2013 by my loving husband – and the feminist in me felt gratified as I perused each line.
Every advice enshrined in it resonated with me.
Yes, I decided, I am going to “lean in”, ask for help, not feel guilty asking for that pay rise or promotion when I feel I deserve it, speak up and push my point through at meetings. I will not sit on the last seat in an invisible corner during a conference and I shall politely interject when I will feel my voice is being ignored.
Thankfully at home, my penchant for equality of rights is matched by my husband who taught me that one need not be a woman to be a feminist. Fortunately, therefore, there is one less battle to fight.
Of Dependence On a Spouse
I became extremely attached to the book and followed its author (who also happens to be the COO of Facebook) very closely. Then, one day, I read that she lost her husband while they were on a holiday. Reading what she wrote on her Facebook page, 30 days after his death – when she reckoned “...that whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning”, I whimpered, feeling hot tears streaming down.
In that instant, I felt so close to her, to all the women who have lost a partner, to all the single mothers and fathers upon whom the mantle of taking care of their children falls without a warning, to all the children who have ever experienced the suddenness of a loss.
Her message has suddenly come back to the fore 3 years after she first introduced it – through her newest ‘Lean In Together’ message. The campaign features a long list of stars, such as Lena Dunham, Selena Gomez, Megyn Kelly, Eva Longoria, Abby Wambach, Kerry Washington, Emma Watson and Serena Williams.
When I heard her most recent speech at University of California, Berkeley, it went straight to my heart. I simultaneously started to fear for my own future. What if I were to lose my husband? How well prepared am I to deal with such a grave loss, emotionally and financially? Who will be my “lean in” circle, my network of friends on whose shoulders I can cry?
Over the years, I have become dependent on my spouse for everything. He is my best mate – he understands me the best. I don’t want to take the trouble of getting acquainted with other people. I have lost touch with many of my girlfriends, cannot relate to some as we’ve become such different persons over the last few years.
Life is a cruel and spiteful enemy always throwing us into the most gruelling circumstances. We all need an emotional buffer, for that one human touch, that embrace, that hand that so gently consoles our sobs, that ability to laugh and weep hysterically with a girlfriend that can never be replaced by technology or money....
Why Women Need to Stick Together
Which is why we women need to tell each other ever so often how beautiful and blessed we are. (Pitted against each other by society and circumstances, little do we realise how formidable we are together.)
We need to huddle together in a world dominated by men and patriarchy, in work places where glass ceilings keep rising higher and higher, at homes where abuse and sexism is so commonplace. It is because we are each other’s’ best bets against it – our struggles are similar, our opponents the same. We are mentors to other diffident colleagues, role models for our sons and daughters, we are comrades in times of grief not competitors.
(I’m reminded of Madeline Albright’s most famous quote: “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other”.)
Let us shed our inhibitions about one another and call out for more acceptance and tolerance (and for once, less judgment), for – “The more women help one another, the more we help ourselves. Acting like a coalition truly does produce results.” (Sheryl Sandberg.)
I for one am going to jolt myself out of my comfort zone, pick up that phone and call a long lost friend. I will also look out for and guide that diffident girl at work; I will reach out more, understand more, listen empathetically. I am going to equip myself better for my journey ahead, at least emotionally, and in turn help others “lean in” too, for nobody is invincible and nothing is impossible!
(Twisha Chandra works for Microsoft and lives with her husband and son in Bellevue, Greater Seattle.)
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