Sexolve 69: ‘My Boyfriend Thinks of an Actor When We Have Sex’

Got questions about relationships, sex or sexuality? Write to us.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

My Husband Touched My Vagina With Sperm-Filled Hands

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 38-year-old woman with a son. Last week my son was not at home, so my husband and I decided to get a little creative and cozy. We played along with each other for a while before we went for an intercourse with condom. My husband is very naughty when it comes to sex. He sometimes tickles me with his fingers and sometimes he tickles my vagina as well. Yesterday was one such day. He removed his condom after he orgasm-ed and he removed the condom with his bare hands. While doing so a little bit of sperm flowed into his hands also. I had not climaxed by then, so he obliged me with his fingers. The same fingers that were soaked in sperms. A mother gets to know when she is pregnant. I think, I am pregnant now,

Simi, Patna

Dear Simi,

Thanks for sharing your intimate details with me. Let’s imagine, semen was a man.

This semen naa... is a super reactive guy. He solidifies quite quickly when he comes in contact with air. Inside the reproductive tract of the woman, he still can survive for longer, but externally he doesn’t survive so. When semen dries, sperms die too.

So if you ask me specifically, if it is possible to get pregnant when he fingers you when the semen is still moist, the answer would be yes. Is there a good probability? I would say no.

However, behen, main koi doctor nahi hu. I am just speaking from the education of a post graduate student in Applied Medical Sciences (and my personal experience with semen). Better to take advice from a qualified doctor. Please just go to a doctor.

Regards,

RainbowMan

We Had a Threesome and Now My Girlfriend Is Pregnant

Dear RainbowMan,

I hope you will not judge me for what I am going to share. I am a 25-year-old man in love with a girl for the past four years. Since the past year we are in a live-in relationship. Last week, we decided to add spice to our depleting sex life. We decided to add a third person to our sex life. My male friend joined in the sexual play. This was done with my girlfriend’s consent. In fact, it was she who initiated the conversation and decided on the guy. We decided on just foreplay with the third person, however, one thing led to the other and she ended up having complete intercourse with both of us. At one point both of us let go of our condoms and had unprotected sex with her. Therein lies the problem - she is now pregnant. We are terminating the pregnancy as we don’t want a child now. However, I am terribly troubled with this question - whose child is this? I asked her also, she has no clue. What do I do?

Sumit, Delhi

Dear Sumit,

Of course I judge you. In a good way. Glad that you are open-minded enough to not just have a live-in relationship but to also explore ways to keep alive the spark in your relationship. I always have respect for people who fight over jealousy and understand that the body and desires of a person cannot be owned by anyone. So I have admiration for you.

What two or three or as many people do in private with everyone’s consent is their business and no one else’s. There are many sexual explorations that happen in many people’s lives. Not everything is open to everyone to witness. Hence each one thinks that what they are doing is an outlaw. Well, it may not be the case.

Now coming to your big question... I wish that you show the same openness with your partner’s pregnancy as you did with her desires to add spice to your sex life. How is knowing who is the father going to change anything in life? You agreed to this sexual experiment, the result of this experiment should not startle you. It is an accident – whether it is your child or his. You have anyway decided to terminate the pregnancy.

Yes, the child could be yours, the child could be his too... but most importantly, the child is hers. She is going to bear the pregnancy, or the process of termination. If you mutually agreed to explore your desires. You should be mature enough to leave her alone without prodding her with such questions.

And you seem to be a kind man, don’t insult your empathy with questions like these. You cannot get into an experiment and then be bothered about the fall-out of the experiment.

One could do a DNA test or something like that, but come on Sumit, don’t be douche bag. Why would you subject her through something like that? You decided to get into this together. You have decided to not keep this pregnancy. You should not care whose child it is.

Wake up, and smell the coffee.

And next time, Bhai.. ensure that you cover up your chotta-bhai... and if ever you get into a threesome again with a man... ensure that he has his condom on too.

Like they say... you are supposed to use a condom on every conceivable occasion.

Forget just pregnancy, don’t expose yourself and your partner to a plethora of STDs.

With regards

RainbowMan

My Boyfriend Thinks of an Actor When We Have Sex. Is He Gay?

Dear RainbowMan,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the last three years. We have had a very fulfilling sexual relationship. We discuss everything under the sun. He recently confessed to me that he thinks of Shah Rukh Khan when entering and having sex with me. I found this very weird. I thought he would think of me as an actress when he is doing me. This seems to be the other way round. Is he gay?

Rakhi, Mumbai

Dear Rakhi,

Bedroom fantasies are different for different people. Speaking of men, some fantasise about film stars, some fantasise that they are film stars, some think of their lovely padosi, some think of aunties. All we men have different and distinct fantasies.

I know of many straight men who get a kick by thinking that they are Shah Rukh Khan. So many have their house plastered with their favourite male hero’s photos. It doesn’t mean that they are gay. Sometimes it is just hero worship.

And it sometimes gives a man’s ego a boost to think that he is a hero. It doesn't always mean they are fantasising about them, it means they are fantasising that they are them. Who knows what’s running in a man’s mind? Well, simple. The man himself.

Net net... only your boyfriend can tell you how he is fantasising about the actor.

Sex talk is best talk. So, ask him. :)

Smiles

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(#TalkingStalking: Have you ever been stalked? Share your experience with The Quint and inspire others to shatter the silence surrounding stalking. Send your stories to [e-mail] or WhatsApp @ [phone].)