Dear Would-be-wife, Won’t You Stop Listening to Your Astrologer?

It must be said: the Indian man is asked just as many painful questions as the woman at an arranged marriage meeting!

A large number of marriages even today don’t work out because of one or more (sometimes a whole army of) astrologers. They’re everywhere, like a swarm of vicious flies, looking at one horoscope after another – often killing a budding marriage in one fell swoop with THIS dreaded announcement – the kundlis of the bride and groom don’t match.

But did you know that your horoscope could also reveal the number of girlfriends you’ve had in the past? Too unrealistic? You’ve got to hear this one then.

I guess it all began the way it always did when it came to the arranged marriage business – my mother. You’d think a more pragmatic, calmer person would take her time with the whole deal, especially after the last two fiascos. My mother isn’t that person.

She became all the more determined to find me a bride, so much so that she could have given Richard the Lionheart’s crusade to reclaim Jerusalem, a run for his money.

Yeh Dekho, Yeh Bhi Dekho

So, here’s how the next few weeks went: a series of pictures were laid out in front of me every day and I would keep refusing to look at them. The women weren’t unattractive or to my distaste in any way – I had simply given up on the idea of an arranged marriage.

But even the steeliest resolve will crumble at a point. I laid eyes on one picture one fine day and was instantly hooked.

Me: Her, I like.

My Mother: Ummm…well…are you sure you like her and not this one? Or this one?

Me: Why? What’s the problem with the one I liked?

Her: Well, they’re a little conservative. Word is, her family still believes in matching horoscopes and well, yours is a fair disaster, let’s just leave it at that.

Me: Forget it then, I don’t like the rest.

The conversation ended there but her determination didn’t. She contacted the family of the girl I liked and in some miraculous way managed to convince them to see her side. Which was that it wasn’t the worst thing if horoscopes didn’t match. They were after all going to get a ‘prized’ groom.

I know I know. But mothers, ladies and gentlemen.

Meeting the Conservatives

Have you heard the story of the proverbial lamb to the slaughter? Or that ol’ saying – “I was roasted good and fine?”

Yup, that’s exactly what happened. I pushed myself into an uncomfortable sofa, rendered all the more uncomfortable by a barrage of eyes that followed my every move. There was no girl with tray, no standing over ceremony. For this family, it was straight down to business.

You had to hand it to them. They knew what they wanted and they made no qualms about asking.

Highlights of the Q&A Round

Bride’s Dad: YOU are not an MBA. I wanted my daughter to marry an MBA. Do you promise to do an MBA from IIM after getting married?

Me: Er, not really, uncle. I am a journalist, so a management degree won’t help my career in any way. Also, IIM costs a fortune so how will I support my family financially if I go off to do an MBA for two years?

Bride’s Mom: Our family astrologer has studied your horoscope (lots of feet shuffling and ‘hmmph’s and ‘haaah’s at this point) and while we are fine with the fact that it’s not a cent percent match, he also told us that you’ve had lots of girlfriends in the past. He fears you could be disloyal to our daughter.

Me: Well, sure, I’ve had girlfriends in the past. Who hasn’t in this day and age? But I assure you, sir, I’m extremely loyal and I do not cheat.

Her Uncle: You’re in the private service sector (more disappointed ‘hmmph’s all around; I sighed). That’s not so good (I swear I heard the background score of a gangster movie playing). I think you should get a government job – that way you’ll have job security and we’ll feel safer for our girl.

Me: But isn’t she also working in the private sector? I don’t see how that’s a problem if you plan your finances well. That way, even if one person loses their job the family can survive comfortably until the person gets a new job (At this point, I was beginning to lose it).

(It was obvious by now that invisible battle lines had been drawn; suits of armour had been donned on each side – me a solitary soldier – and it remained to be seen who let down their armour first.)

Her Mother: Your family eats non vegetarian food and we are purely vegetarian. I don’t want my daughter to be forced to cook non-veg food. Plus the children will grow up all confused.

Me: Yes, we are non-vegetarians, but didn’t you already know that? And no, your daughter won’t be FORCED to cook because we HAVE a cook. And as far as children are concerned, they can choose to eat whatever they want.

By this point I was pretty darned pissed. Not simply because of the idiotic questions I was being asked – but also because the girl I’d come to meet (or so I thought) had sat right through the proceedings, looking pretty – like furniture.

I knew I wasn’t interested. So I put my battle armour down and left.

Related Links in the Series

So, What Does a Man Think of an Arranged Marriage?
No Offence, ‘Modern’ Indian Women Can be Unreasonable too