Things you need when you get into a Long Distance Relationship
(1) Answers: How did you meet? Oh my god that is so far away...how do you manage? What do you do for sex? It must be so hard, no? Do you plan to move? Why don’t you find someone locally? Long distance is not really a relationship, right?
You will lose count of the number of times you get asked these questions. “None of your business”, is a good starting point and you can go as far as “please eff off”. Ending it with a smile would take the edge off a bit.
(2) A good wifi connection: Considering most of your time will be spent in the virtual world, too much buffering will eventually make you press the ‘X’ on your relationship window. So your wifi needs to be fast and not freeze when your lover’s genitalia is staring you in the face from behind a screen.
(3) Patience: Sometimes the wifi is crap and you can’t do anything about it at that particular moment. So be prepared for ‘Connecting....’ to change to ‘Connected’ for a precious one minute before falling back to ‘reconnecting...’ to ‘disconnected’ – and repeat.
(4) Good immunity: As ‘shona babu’ won’t be around to make you hot soup when you’re down with the flu or prepare a hot water bag when you are writhing in pain due to menstrual cramps, good immunity is especially important if you live alone. Other than me and my uterus, no one knows when I am in pain. And since I like how husky my voice gets after a bad cold, I don’t complain about getting a cold. If you live with your parents then even if shona babu is in the same city, I don’t see how he can come to your place and take care of you without first tying a mangalsutra around your neck. So...
(5) Sighs: You will be letting out a lot of them every time you see a couple holding hands, grocery shopping, walking the dog, ignoring each other at a table in a restaurant, leching at other people or assaulting each other. A couple, never mind what activity they're indulging in, will remind you of shona and tum aahein bharogey!
(6) Hobbies: Because when shona says ‘aur bol’, it will be great to tell them that you have joined belly dancing classes or are taking baking lessons. You will have something to talk about other than the mundane things you did during the day; a talent to show them when you meet them next; and in case the relationship doesn’t work out, a new skill will only enhance your personality and be a talking point for the next date!
(7) Hope: That someday the blessed distance will come to an end and you will live a miserable life with shona in the same city, in the same home, rethinking the good old days of being in a Long Distance Relationship.
(Shyama Laxman has an MA in Creative Writing from City University, London and now she writes sales pitches. Dreams come true or so they say.)
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