B’day Boy Ayushmann’s Penile Adventures Are Just What Men Need

Only Ayushmann Khurrana seems to be addressing penis issues the way the should be.

Updated
Love and Sex
4 min read
Ayushmann Khurrana in a scene from <i>Shubh Mangal Saavdhan. </i>

Ayushmann Khurrana’s luck might well be in his penis. I don’t mean him as in the actor, but the characters he embodies. And I don’t mean this in an offensive way either. I mean, look at the man and his body of work. The two films that he stands out for (no pun intended) involve the penis in a big way. While Vicky Donor celebrates his ‘mettle’, Shubh Mangal Saavdhan, his very successful rom-com, is a libido-killer as it deals with the issue of erectile dysfunction.

Looking from his first film to his latest, birthday boy Khurrana’s characters have oscillated from virility to impotency. In fact, his just released dick-venture, in which he teams up with his Dum Laga Ke Haisha lucky charm Bhoomi Pednekar, could well have been Dum Lagaa Ke Haisha 2.

While Bhoomi’s role graduates from basic toilets to human sperm-jet faucets, Ayushmann’s character progresses from standing at Bareilly to standing barely (if you read my Sexolve series, you’ll understand how many men in India see the apnapun in the pun).

This article is an ode to the VJ-turned-RJ-turned-singer-turned-actor Ayushmann Khurana, who didn’t jump into a film signing spree post the success of Vicky Donor, but waited with baited breath for author-backed roles. He went on to play a suicide saviour in Nautanki Saala, a fat-shaming douchebag in Dum Laga Ke Haisha, and an erotic-horror writer in Meri Pyaari Bindu.

The quality of films he happens to be signing makes Ayushmann quite the understated male Kangana Ranaut, or even a chhota Aamir Khan, in my opinion.

Okay, I digress. Coming back to penises. For women to speak about their breasts, periods, and even cysts in their groins is much easier than for men to talk about their penis troubles. I am yet to find two heterosexual men speak about the brand of underwear they prefer. I am yet to see any men discuss how they position their penis when they get an erection. Do they slide it down, or do they keep it upright like a pole?

I am yet to hear men speak freely about the various methods to hide their awkward boners, when they get excited in awkward situations. I have never discussed my embarrassing moments with another guy either. The only discussions I have been privy to are about the supposedly ‘fun’ conversations about penis sizes and casual talk about masturbation (on the lines of ‘roz hilaata hai saala’).

No one gives boys and men any tips, literally leaving us in the jungle of adolescence to fend for ourselves. I remember when I was in school, and got a boner looking at men, I used to sit for long hours in the bus just so that people didn’t notice that I have an erect penis. I had no place to go, and no one I could ask these difficult questions.

When I stained my underwear with sperm for the first time, I thought it was pus. I was scared. So many boys and men share these problems anonymously in my Sexolve column. I attempt to answer as many as I can. Queries range from being curious to hilariously misinformed. From erectile dysfunction to penile malfunction, anonymity gives people the courage to ask.

Sex problems? Who can men talk to?
Sex problems? Who can men talk to?
(Photo Courtesy: Twitter)

Move to a public toilet and you will find posters like the above. While we choose to laugh at them, sex problems are real and a big deal. We’ve grown up laughing at ‘non-veg’ penis jokes, not to mention the ‘are you man enough’ question that could well be at the centre of violent forms of expression like rape and harassment that we’re witnessing more than ever now.

Coming back to films, how have our narratives treated the penis? Not very well, let me tell you. Action Jackson took stalking to a whole new level with Sonakshi Sinha’s character actually chasing a man’s penis for luck!

In Guddu Ki Gun, playboy Kunal Kemmu is cursed with a golden penis. Well, that’s gawd-awe-ful. Who wants it gold down there!

And this one, where Imran Khan is left with an erect willy after Poorna Jagannath leaves him high and dry in Delhi Belly.

How can we speak about penisis and not mention Ekta Kapoor’s Alt Balaji film Kyaa Super Cool Hai Hum? Ritesh Deshmukh mentions dicks instead of disks. And then, just a peep into this trailer will tell you how many innuendoes followed.

Well, if you thought that film stars are not faced with these questions, think again. Here’s Priyanka dodging a rather uncomfortable question.

I give films a lot of credit. But if there’s one entity that has literally made the penis much more than just a human organ, it has to be AIB.

All said and done, no one’s career has been as well defined by the penis as Ayushmann Khurrana’s. On that note, I ask all the men out there to stop pretending and visit a qualified sexologist, if you have a penis problem.

Needless to say, don’t drown yourself in stigma, and, of course, believe that you deserve a happy ending.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(This article is from The Quint’s archives and was first published on 28 August 2017. It is now being republished to mark Ayushmann Khurrana’s birthday.)

(#TalkingStalking: Have you ever been stalked? Share your experience with The Quint and inspire others to shatter the silence surrounding stalking. Send your stories to editor@thequint.com or WhatsApp @ +919999008335.)

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