This is a strange country. And these are stranger times. For women, working or not.
I’ve recently shifted from a regular office routine to an irregular one. When I did go to an office on a regular basis I would drop my daughter to school on my way and get her day care to pick her up. During the routine, there were certain “comments” I got used to over time.
“She is clingy because you don’t spend enough time with her” OR “How can you leave her at daycare yaar”. My personal favourite: “It’s so tough for young children when mothers work”.
These comments came from other moms, from friends (with and without babies) and sometimes, surprisingly from school teachers too. It was the ones from the teachers that bothered me the most. But more on that later.
Over time, I developed a number of “socially acceptable” responses to tackle this kind of judgement – but it was the absolutely unacceptable ones that played out in my head that really kept me going!
Here were some of the gems my mind concocted:
“My child is no less clingy than your 2.5-year-old who wouldn’t enter school yesterday.”
“I can leave her at daycare because I’m comfortable with that decision – just like you are, with leaving YOUR baby at home with a nanny and NO supervision.”
“It’s tough for the kid, huh? I suppose it’s all roses and lilies for the mom?”
I am unashamed to admit these playbacks gave me much solace!
The Disturbing Things a Teacher May Say
It’s been 8 months since I’ve stopped being a regular office-goer – as a result of which I can pick up and drop my daughter to school most days.
My most disturbing discovery?
The things I hear now, bother me more.
Like how a teacher explained to my daughter on a day she was being “clingy”: “Beta, mummy has to go do housework, na!” Sometimes, my little one has been told that “mummy is unwell” which is why daddy had to come pick her up instead.
I didn’t realise how deep-seated the problem was till one day, as I was dropping my daughter off at daycare on my way to a freelancing assignment, she pronounced: “Mommies stay at home, papas go to office.” For a child who has been brought up by a working mom since she was 9 months old, this was a surprising comment to hear. A little investigation revealed that this was something “a teacher said in class.” It is difficult for me to gauge the context of how and when this comment was made to my daughter, but all the same it had made an impact.
Why We Need to Stop Saying “Boys Will be Boys”
Now let me explain why I said earlier that comments from teachers worry me the most. It is because knowingly or unknowingly, our kids’ educators sometimes reinforce stereotypes. “Papas go to office, Moms stay at home”, “Boys are stronger” and “Why are you crying like a girl?” are some of the most damaging things you could ever say to a child.
As much as we say “boys will be boys”, we also unintentionally communicate through words, actions and instructions that “girls SHOULD be girls.”
While our homes have the most impact on our children, there is no contesting the fact that what they hear at school is the second greatest influence.
So perhaps, even as we train our teachers, check their degrees and test their experience, it is time to make them aware of the power they hold in grooming mindsets. It is important also to tell children about how they have individual choices – instead of having them conform to “choices for boys and girls”.
We always think gender equality will be brought about by ‘future generations’; well, those generations are being taught NOW. It’s time we taught them right and made them the enablers of that change.
(Radhika Bajaj is a journalist and news presenter with over a decade’s experience in Indian media. She has also designed and created content centred around women, lifestyle, health, entertainment, business & travel and enjoys writing about the same.)
(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)