A Letter To My Daughter: Don’t Apologise for Being a Girl

A letter worth a read.

My dearest Manya,

To say that you have changed my world and my worldview would be an understatement. I wanted it to be perfect. I read pregnancy and parenting books. I argued with my doctor and my parents. I improvised and learned. I wanted you to be perfect. Too perfect, I fear now. You were gifted pink frocks and teddy bears. I bought you cars and blue t-shirts. I wanted balance. I wanted to raise you without the constraint of stereotypes.

And then, you surprised me. You were gifted a doll on your second birthday. You wouldn’t let go of it. You wanted to eat, sleep and bathe with your doll. I learned. I was breaking old stereotypes, unwittingly building new ones. I was making choices for you. I was depriving you of simple girlhood joys.

I began noticing. How you observed me when I applied kajal. How you put your little chubby fingers next to mine when I sat down with nail paint. How you draped my dupatta in front of a mirror. You were asserting yourself. I learned a little more. To love and not judge. To set you free to explore and shape your world. Whatever you choose, whatever you become, I want to assure you I will always love you. But I want an assurance in return. I want you to love yourself for who you are. To not hurt yourself to fit in.

We read together everyday. You say you love Cinderella’s story. You want a pink gown and glass slippers. The prince will come in due course, I’m sure. But you also want me to read the story of the ugly duckling to you. The one who was different and miserable, until he understood himself and broke free. I hope both the tales stay with you. It’s ok to want to be a beautiful princess. But don’t give up when you find yourself in the duckling’s place. I hope you never do. But I know you will. For all my care and precautions, for all your education and advantage, you’ll fight the most primitive of battles - to find your space in a man’s world. The norms may relax further as you grow up, the rules of the game may change but I doubt the battles will have been won.

So arm yourself with self assurance. Read, absorb, opine. And stand your ground. When you graduate from fairy tales, I will introduce you to Henrik Ibsen. He influenced me deeply. He taught me that your biggest responsibility is towards yourself as an individual. Imbibe the essence. Learn to embrace pleasure without guilt. Buy lipstick, eat candy, shut out the world to read a book, splurge on shoes, skydive, play football, do what makes you happy. Don’t let people tell you that if you’re too pretty you lack substance, if you have strong views you lack spontaneity, if you have ambition you lack warmth. You can have them all.

And whatever you do, don’t apologise for being a girl.

Love
Ma

(The author is a journalist and entrepreneur. Also founder of REYVA.)