'Be a Man & Shake it Off': The Everyday Stigma Men Face and the Struggle to Seek Therapy

(Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse, intimate partner violence)"I was in an abusive marriage for three years. I started believing that it is what love is supposed to be – and I should be okay with it,” says Yash Kannan (name changed), a 38-year-old writer in the Indian film industry.Growing up in a volatile home, Yash says he witnessed flaring tempers – and was subjected to physical abuse."I used to think that getting beaten up was inevitable as a boy. Despite the abuse, I still loved and cared deeply for my parents. They still remain the most significant people in my life. But their behaviour towards me also led me to accept abuse as normal in a relationship, which is why I stayed in my marriage till I sought therapy," he adds.Yash's therapist helped him connect the dots between his past and present. "My therapist made me realise that an abusive relationship is not normal... That was a breakthrough for me."Yash KannanIn India, it’s becoming increasingly clear that mental health is a major crisis. According to the latest National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) report, released in 2022, India recorded approximately 1.7 lakh suicides, marking a 4.2 percent increase from 2021. Suicide has now become the leading cause of death among young adults, particularly those between the ages of 15 and 39.While the latest NCRB report didn't provide specific data on suicide rates for men and women, the 2021 report revealed that 70-75 percent of suicides in India are committed by men.Discussions around men’s mental health gained attention following the tragic death of Atul Subhash, a Bengaluru-based techie, but unfortunately, these conversations did not lead to deeper societal engagement. The reasons behind why someone decides to take their own life are complex, and in the absence of nuanced data, drawing broad conclusions would be problematic.While suicide itself is not gendered, experts emphasise that, despite the widespread prevalence of mental health disorders, it is true that men are still far less likely to seek help compared to women.According to Alishiya Halaney, a Goa-based therapist specialising in individuals, couples, and families, the ratio of women to men patients that she consults is roughly 5:1.But why do fewer men seek help? "Men are hesitant because of their mindset. Ego and pride often lead them to wonder how therapy can help," Halaney tells The Quint. Societal expectations, traditional masculinity norms, and the stigma surrounding mental health issues further intensify their reluctance.“I was initially hesitant to seek help," admits 37-year-old Adithya Mallya, founder of Yowza Consulting, a digital marketing company. "I had negative thoughts about therapy, and I am not proud to admit it, but I used to think I'd be viewed as 'weak'."Ira Khan, founder of the Agatsu Foundation, a not-for-profit company working on mental health and well-being, echoes Adithya's thoughts. "Some men recognise they need help but feel they will be considered weak. They're trapped in the notion of toxic masculinity, convinced they must the provider and earn a living, and that mental health isn't their responsibility."Darsheel Agarwal (name changed), a 39-year-old media professional, lost his mother at the age of 35. The emotional turmoil he experienced affected his relationships, work, and daily life."I told my father I needed help after dealing with it for over a year, but he told me things like 'these things happen to everyone', 'shake it off', 'how will talking help?', and ‘you aren’t mentally ill’. He made me feel like I was overreacting."Darsheel AgarwalDarsheel's worry about his father's perception of him delayed his decision to seek help, taking a toll on his emotional well-being. It took him another two years to finally take that crucial step.“That brainwashing over years that therapy is for the ill, that only ‘weak’ people seek it, and that you’re ‘not up to the mark’ if you need assistance, contribute to the fact why men don’t seek help,” adds Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at Mumbai's Lilavati Hospital.Yash says he was also hesitant to seek help because his father would tell him that he was an ‘overtly sensitive boy’ when he was growing up.“Hearing that as a child made me resistant to seeking help – and there was a sense of shame and fear of judgement,” he tells The Quint.Even experts agree that men are conditioned to suppress their emotions, making it difficult for them to find the words to express themselves or break free from the stigma surrounding therapy.“In our generation, and the generations before, boys were not taught how to express themselves. Even if they wanted to, they did not have the vocabulary to do it which then makes it harder to go for therapy.“Ira Khan, Founder, Agatsu FoundationAdithya recalls being told – ‘be a man’ – when it came to dealing with emotions. “The first one was the most difficult session for me, in terms of me overcoming how I thought of it.”“Men and women are wired differently. It’s not in men to share and talk about their emotions. They don’t often discuss with their friends either. They rather talk about work, sports and other things, even when they are going through a difficult time,” explains Halaney.When there is a relationship discord between a couple, the woman is more likely to talk about it with her friends and family.“Men feel like it’s a violation of trust and it should be kept between them,” she adds. However, she says, it’s not like this approach is wrong, “the flip side is also that when couples share what is going on between them during time of distress, one can also be negatively impacted by other's opinion at such a sensitive time.”Yash ultimately sought help when he started facing trouble sleeping.“My primary reason to seek help was experiencing grief in my nightmares. I would wake up from my sleep with a heavy feeling of grief. I started to get anxious around my two-and-a-half-year-old as well. I knew I had to get help,” he says.It was then that he realised that the grief he felt every morning, along with the nightmares, stemmed from unprocessed past experiences. His childhood traumas were manifesting as nightmares and persistent anxiety. Therapy helped him to understand and manage his situation, he adds.Adithya believes that had he been in therapy before he got married, he would have been aware of the ‘unhealthy patterns’ in his relationships – and would have probably not gotten married.“I started therapy the day I realised I needed help. When my ex-wife told me she wanted out, it came as a shock to me. I wasn't even aware that our marriage was rocky.“”When she told me she didn’t love me anymore, that made me lose my self-worth. I started to feel that I was not good enough for anything.”Adithya MallyaThe divorce made him, like many others, feel apprehensive about being with anyone else – and the fear of being vulnerable set in. But, he says, therapy helped him bring his best self to his next relationship.“It (therapy) has been a boon to my life. I am way more mindful of what I say, and what I do, and its impact on the people around me. Even though I was cognisant of it before, therapy is the biggest catalyst that has helped me build a more positive space for myself and others.”Adithya MallyaBeing in therapy for over three years, Adithya says it has helped him understand the concept of self-worth. “I derived my self-worth from my partner, so naturally when things ended, I lost that. It’s the sessions over the years that made me realise that my self-worth comes primarily from me and not from anyone else.”He continues to do sessions today once every three months, or whenever he feels the need for it, and he says he's better for it.Losing Loved Ones: Grief Can Be a Lonely Journey, but It Doesn’t Have to BeFor Darsheel, therapy helped him reconnect with life in a way he couldn’t after losing his mother. He had withdrawn from his friends and family, and work that once brought him joy now felt like a chore. Simply getting out of bed each morning and facing the day caused him immense distress."I've been in therapy for over two years now. While it can't eliminate the pain of losing a parent, it has helped me cope. I can manage my emotions and know that I have someone to talk to when I'm in distress,” he says. A life that "didn’t seem worth getting through" feels better today, he adds.Khan says that it's true that more women are diagnosed with depression compared to men, "but we don’t know whether it’s that women are more susceptible to depression or that they are more likely to get a diagnosis.”“I have seen an increase in the number of people seeking help, but the ratio of men to women has remained consistent at around 1:3,“ she adds.Halaney agrees, saying, “Even though I have seen about a 30 percent increase in the number of men who come for therapy, we still have a long way to go.““Since men are less likely to talk, it’s not reported. They deal with it on their own, and we see them bury themselves in alcohol, substance abuse, gambling, sexual addiction, among other things.”Alishiya Halaney, Therapist According to the National Mental Health Survey India, 2016, about 20-25 percent of young people suffer from mental health and substance use disorders between ages 18 and 29 years.“I still cannot talk to my father about therapy... he will not understand it. I don’t know if that’s a large part of the society, but it’s a huge part of my core,” says Yash. He feels that it remains a very closed-door affair because, as a man, it’s still not something he feels he can openly discuss. However, he’s grateful to have a supportive partner with whom he can talk about it.While Darsheel echoes Yash’s sentiments, Adithya says, “It wasn’t something I shared with my parents earlier, but when I did, and after seeing the impact it has had on me, it’s opened up my parents' view on it.”Halaney suggests advertising safe spaces for men and giving them access to support groups could help normalise therapy.“It’s important to encourage boys from a young age to talk about their emotions. We have to normalise that it is okay to talk about how they feel. We should not send messages like ‘boys don’t cry’... it can prove to be very damaging,” she warns.According to Chulani, while change has been slow to come by, the good news is that “the number has definitely gone up.“”Distress in relationships, professional pressures, financial strain, etc are making more men seek therapy today. Plus, the stigma is slowly eroding. The fact that they’ve taken the step to come means that they are ready to take the risk of being vulnerable.”Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, Mumbai's Lilavati HospitalWhen Yash was going through his divorce, he had a corporate job which he later quit to become a writer. “I remember telling my then boss, who was also a good friend, about my divorce. He just went silent. He never spoke to me about it.”However, he now feels like ‘doors are opening’, and he has seen male friendships evolve for him over the last three years. He is now surrounded by men who articulate their feelings thanks to therapy.“The other day a friend sent me a message, saying, ‘Be nice to yourself, be good to yourself. I'm just checking in on you.’ I could have never thought I would receive a message like this from a male friend.”“Earlier, when I’d bring up therapy to my male friends, they wouldn’t always react well. They’d look at me differently. But once I shared my experiences and highlighted the parts they could relate to, their attitude started to shift,“ says Adithya. “If I have a cold, I can tell people that. If I'm going through something, and I am feeling depressed, that's something I should be able to speak about openly. There is nothing wrong with it,” he adds.Yes, New Fathers Can Suffer From Postpartum Depression Too

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'Be a Man & Shake it Off': The Stigma Men Face and the Struggle to Seek Therapy

Experts tell The Quint that men are still far less likely to seek help compared to women.

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Topics: Suicide Mental Health Toxic Masculinity