I Felt Like I Was Being Raped: Confessions of a Gay Married Man

‘Coming Out... Scribblings From The Heart’ talks about experiences of a gay man and his struggle with self-doubt.

In 2009, one could say he or she was gay and proud. It was a new era. A person could feel free to express their sexuality, free from any fear of persecution. The Delhi High Court had decriminalised homosexuality in a landmark judgment.

All that changed in December 2013 when the Supreme Court overturned the verdict and pushed the LGBT community into the shadows once again.

Kritagya (name changed), a middle aged gay male wants to come out with his sexual identity but feels constrained to do so given the prevalent social and legal attitude. He has written a book – Coming Out... Scribblings From The Heart – detailing experience and struggle with self-doubt and the pain inflicted on himself and others around him.

Right from the age of adolescence, I was under severe trauma. I was completely in the dark about my attractions.

The kind of artificial life I was leading gave me mental stress and trauma. I lost my balance.

Now that there is more clarity, I realise there might be thousands of people who go through what I have been through.

I have directly and indirectly ruined many lives by getting married.

I am lucky that my family has understood my situation now, but there are many others who have families that don’t understand.

My (experience with) artificial life of getting into relationships, the break ups, Section 377, which called us criminals and being in a closet, has now made me reach out to others through my book and let them know we are biologically made that way and we have fundamental rights.

I was confused and didn’t know who to contact. There was no social media. I didn’t approach any psychiatrist. My first struggle was understanding what’s happening with me and who should I seek help from.

My actual struggle began when I got married. I fought with myself for years to perform sexually and to emotionally connect with my wife. It took me seven years of marriage life to realise I cannot live like this.

My wife questioned me. “Why aren’t you behaving normally.” “Why can’t we connect?”. “Why are you tired all the time?”. “Others have a relationship, why don’t we?”

I used to feel like I was getting raped.

My psychological and mental state while trying to perform with my wife was like that off being raped. I used to have tears in my eyes wondering “What am I doing?”

Later, after learning more, I realised I wasn’t even bisexual, but gay.

Homosexuality is natural. It’s as natural as someone being born left handed or right handed.

I have no guilt or shame now.

I want people to understand that children should be informed about their identity from a basic age. In the US, even comic books have gay characters. So that they are not abused later in life, physically or mentally.

Kids should get sex education so that they do not end up ruining lives later on.

My family and my close friends know about my sexuality now. But that is only because it had to come out one day.

Even though I have the courage to come out, my issue is how my teenage daughter will react to it. What would her friends say? What will my sister and her friends say? What will the policeman down the street say? He will call me a criminal!

While I want to be open about what I am, my issue is of how the society will take it. That’s my biggest hindrance.

My parents are still worried about taunts from their friends. My wife is particular that I shouldn’t discuss my identity with anyone because she will feel ashamed.

I am at a very senior position at my place of work and how my colleagues will react is another thing I am concerned about.

With the SC taking up the issue for further consideration, there’s now a ray of hope, but while the legal issue may get sorted out, I wonder what will happen to the social stigma.

Will the government focus on social program or education to ensure no social stigma.