Are you exhausted with your parents hounding you to get married? Has your mother brought you pictures of women from all the known, and many unknown, Indian communities? If you’re as pain-stricken as I am and are being bullied to meet random women and their families, don’t worry, I have just the remedy.
When I was asked to write a piece for Kim Kardashian West’s birthday (today), I wondered what would happen if I took Kim’s picture to my mother, who doesn’t know her Hollywood celebs, and tell her that I want to marry this girl.
Disclaimer: Before you try this at home, make sure your parents aren’t familiar with Hollywood celebrities like Kim or Paris Hilton.
With that being said, here’s how I got Mother to stop badgering me about marriage.
She’d already made me meet almost 10 women and none were even remotely compatible with me. When I asked her to stop, she wouldn’t listen. So, I told her…
Me: Why don’t you look for a girl who is my type.
Mother: What’s your type?
Me: Smart, talented and hot. Like really hot.
Enter Kim Kardashian West
Me: Here’s a picture of a girl I really like. (I show my mother a picture of Kim.)
Mother: Her? You like her? What’s wrong with you? She looks old.
Me: But she is smart, talented, hot, successful and we get along very well.
Mother: Oh! Is she from Delhi? She looks Punjabi.
Thanks to the picture, in which Kim is a brunette and has her famous fake tan, my mother believed that she’s a fair Punjabi maiden from Gurgaon.
Education and Family Background
Me: Her name is Gurvinder Alluwalia, she is 28 and lives in Gurgaon. Her nickname is Kim. I know her through a friend.
Mother: Yeah, she looks like those Sardarnis who iron their hair even when they’re at home. So, what is she do for a living and what about her educational history? Is she good in maths? And what do her parents do?
Me: She did her schooling in Los Angeles, US. She is a socialite. I don’t think she went to college or is good in maths, but I could be wrong there. Her biological father was a hotshot lawyer in the US who defended football player OJ Simpson during his murder trial. He died in 2003 of cancer. Her mother divorced her biological father in 1991 and married a television personality Baljit Alluwalia (Bruce Jenner), who later underwent a gender transition and is now a woman by the name of Kanica Alluwalia (Caitlyn Jenner).
She remained blank and expressionless for almost 15 seconds.
Mother: Are you out of your mind? That’s a messed up family. Why would you want to marry such a girl? I am a liberal minded and progressive woman, but seriously, what is wrong with you?
Talented Ms Kardashian West
Me: Mum, you always taught me not to judge someone by their background. She is smart and extremely talented. She’s popular among all my friends and their friends and their friends for her talents.
Mother: Really? What is her talent?
At this point, I pulled my phone out and showed her Kim’s infamous champagne picture.
Me: She can catch champagne on a glass while balancing it on her bum and simultaneously look strikingly sexy.
My mother looked at the picture and was appalled.
Mother: Enough! You are not marrying this weirdo. Period.
She was furious and I figured that this prank had gone on long enough. So I told her the truth, which pissed her off even more.
Me: You see? This is how I feel when you set me up for arranged marriage meetings with women who have either never had male friends or have never dated a guy or don’t want to work and want to be a housewife or are astrologer-obsessed or are anorexic and equate it to being gay!
She didn’t talk to me for the next three days. But she has promised to not try to set me up again. So, it worked.
But, try this at your own risk.
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