Jim Corbett must be turning in his grave. But if he was still alive, just the idea of having the MTV Splitsvilla jing-bang conducting love experiments inside the tiger reserve, would surely have killed him. I mean, who thinks of these things and how is filming a reality show inside a protected wildlife zone even allowed? Poor Jim, poor tigers and frankly, poor us. The show is in its tenth season and conceptually things seem to be at their lowest point ever.
Even after ten seasons Splitsvilla is still confused about whether its just a game or a search for true love (like that even exists). But this time they’ve added some backyard science experiments to make things worse. Hosts Rannvijay Singha and Sunny Leone claim that the bright bunch at MTV has cracked the algorithm by which you can find your ‘ideal match’. Now who wouldn’t pay money for that!
“Khel dil ka hai, par khelna dimaag se hai” comes survival wisdom from Sunny and Rannvijay. But frankly, if you have even an iota of dimaag, Splitsvilla won’t last on your TV screens for more than two minutes. Without further ado, let me take you straight to the ickiest love-tasks you’ve ever seen on a reality show.
Tinder Goes LIVE on Splitsvilla
The ten boys turn into ‘specimens’ as they walk out on a ramp in their boxers and sneakers. But Sunny gives the girls a harder task. They get seven seconds to judge each boy and swipe left or right on the panels in front of them to express their interest. Love is clearly all about chests, muscles, abs and beards. “If he was aur thoda tall, aur toh lean, aur thoda hot, aur thoda good looking....” is literally what every girl is thinking.
Thanks but no thanks MTV Splitsvilla. You’re doing sweet nothing for the youth, apart from drilling further the idea that ‘love’s gotta look good’.
Aa Chipakk
This task will bring alive your worst eve-teasing traumas. Boys and girls wear magnetic belts around their waists. To win, a couple needs to get the maximum number of metal placards up on a board. But here’s the catch. The girls have to transfer these to their partners using only their belts. So pelvis bangs into pelvis and the boys have to yell out loud “aa chipakk” to their female partners. Confused and creeped out at the same time? Who in their right minds wouldn’t be?
Not only is this ‘pelvic cheers’ NOT funny, it’s an attempt at passing off soft porn under the garb of ‘youth’ content.
Umm... just wondering... how is this task a parameter for judging ‘true love’ or finding one’s ‘ideal match’? MTV, are you for real?
Kiss Kiss Ko
Oh, now I get it. Splitsvilla sells BECAUSE it is soft porn on TV! Kiss Kiss Ko has the girls split into two teams. The guys are shirtless and rather excited, kinda like they’re about to lose their virginity on primetime and rise to instant stardom. The girls are given two different lip colours. If you haven’t guessed what’s about to happen, I’ll spell it out for you, pardon my cringing.
Two girls are called out, one from each team. Whoever lands up the most kisses on the 'chosen’ guy’s body, scores for her team. So what if they end up looking like lip-gloss carnivores? It seems to be cracking everyone up but me.
If you’re wondering "what’s the science behind this one?” you’re in for a bigger shock. Since our lips have the highest number of nerve endings according to love gurus at MTV, this task is meant to make the contestants tingle. Not to forget, there’s another task which involves a girl in a blindfold licking food items off a guy. To score points, she has to guess what she’s licking, off which body part, belonging to which guy.
It made me want to throw up, how about you?
Pyaar Ka Ras
Two boys, a girl and a plate of fruit. Horny? Well, MTV Splitsvilla has you hooked. The girl in each team has to ride one of her male teammates to reach a pile of fruit. She then picks up a piece of watermelon, sweet lime or pineapple in her mouth and her partner has to carry her to their other teammate, who stands with his mouth open to receive the fruit and puts it in a juicer. Whichever team can churn out the most juice, wins.
Running, Dripping, Biting, Licking, Juicing, all in a single task, waah! Holy f*ck. I’m never having juice again.
Sperm Dash
This is by far the only task on the show that could pass off as ‘educational’. Chosen boys are dressed in white and required to run through an obstacle course, like a sperm darts its way to an egg. Right at the end, is an egg shaped structure, waiting to be ‘impregnated’.
Along the way come condom-like things, pokey things, slippery things and what not. But the sperm needs to dodge them all and hit home.
Rannvijay even opens this one with a chotu lecture on safe sex.
But MTV Splitsvilla boils down to nothing, apart from being a titillating watch for the young and impressionable, who as it is, are pumped with the worst possible notions of sexuality, first impressions, self worth and good looks. This show goes beyond being crass content.
In my opinion these scripted and highly forced love tasks reinforce the most harmful stereotypes, the most abhorrent relationship goals and a pointless mission for one to play mind-games in order to find love.
But the Oracle takes the damn cake! This computer seems to have stepped straight out of Crystal Maze, and has all the info our twenty suckers filled out in their application forms. Based on their hobbies, personality traits, fitness and beauty secrets, this mean machine has worked out seven ‘ideal’ matches. Clearly, Splitsvilla is nothing but some MTV creep’s deep dark fantasy.
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