It’s safe to say that this week’s new release, Kung Fu Yoga, is the banal result of a threesome between the “Hindi-Chini-bhai-bhai” emotion, a ridiculously ambitious setup, and a wooden Sonu Sood.
The presence of Jackie Chan in this Chinese-Indian co-production, directed by Stanley Tong, makes me believe that the makers had their heart in the right place. But everything collapses like a house of cards.
You will need the mental fortitude that both Yoga and Kung Fu teach in order to stay awake during the movie. Viewers are bombarded with useless dialogues and back stories by the kilo – perhaps to make up for the madness that follows.
Jackie Chan plays a Chinese archaeologist who is approached by an Indian historian, named Asmita, to find lost treasures of the Magadha Dynasty. The film overdoses on CGI and I was too zoned out to focus on the million conjectures about where the treasure could possibly be.
It is also a little painful to see our favourite Jackie Chan gasping for breath as he manoeuvres the various martial arts poses. A performance that is sadly well past his “best before” date.
Lost in a Maze
The Indian contingent is led by Sonu Sood, who isn’t allowed to exhibit his chiseled body but is forced to remain clad in jackets that are as stiff as his acting.
Sood plays the bad guy who wants to steal the jewels. His performance is so unconvincing that I’m tempted to set up an “uchha starya jaanch” committee to look into this “Chinese conspiracy” to make India look bad.
Also present are Disha Patani and Amayra Dastur, who get lost in this maze of Terracotta warriors and the Magadha Kingdom.
The film has a fair amount of Kung Fu, precious little Yoga and an India that solely exists in the fantasies of a white man who lives in a cave.
With snake charmers, rope dancers, palaces that look like little miniature items that are sold on footpaths – the Rajasthan of ‘Kung Fu Yoga’ is so removed from reality that Indians would probably need a visa just to visit it.
But really, why are we talking about logic?
Jackie Chan films are known for his histrionics that are usually tremendously fun to watch. ‘Kung Fu Yoga’, however, has none of these, apart from a scene in Dubai where Chan drives around with a lion.
If you’re a Jackie Chan fan, you’d be better off watching his outtakes on YouTube because that’s more fun that anything that happens in this movie.
Also, I watched the Hindi version which was as painful as the dubbed TVC ads where ‘firangs’ try to sell us the latest exercise cycle. At the end of it all, I was left with the bad taste of ‘gobi manchurian’ in my mouth. I guess the English version will be slightly better.
I give it 1 QUINT out of 5.
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