Unforgivables Of 2016: Bollywood’s Worst, Cringeworthy Ten Films

Here’s a roundup of Bollywood’s absolute worst films in the year gone by.

Happiness, the vitriolic film critic Judith Crist had said way back in 1966, is too many things these days to wish it upon anyone lightly. Fifty years later, Ms Crist’s statement is tame, especially when applied to the Bollywood harvest of 2016. How we mostly suffered, tsk tsked and surrendered ourselves to the gloom. Just groan and bear it.

So, let’s just wish one another a bileless new year and leave it at that, or better still, start off on a nasty note to be silenced next year – hopefully. Let make sweetness, light and sensible entertainment become the leitmotif of 2017. Better wished for than acquired maybe, but what the heaven, optimism doesn’t cost money (don’t even let me get into the demonetisation biz).

By the way, in compiling the list of the 10 unforgivables of this year, I’m cutting a careful path between “what-did-you-really-expect” and “this is insane” categories. Go ahead then, unmake your day. The WORST movies of the year were:

1) Flaccid Sex Comedies

For the top dishonour it’s a no-sleaze-barred tie between Kya Kool Hain Hum 3, Mastizaade and some yuckfest punnily titled Great G(r)and Masti. Okay I didn’t expect them to be rib or anywhere tickling. Offensive, mutton-headed and brainless. On recollection, I can’t distinguish one from the other. Who participated in which? Who cares? Except that Riteish Deshmukh, Aftab Shivdasani, Tusshar Kapoor, Vir Das and dear Sunny Leone, are not likely to consider any of these they were featured in as feathers in their caps, if they have any. Caps, that is.

2) Santa Banta Pvt Ltd

Boman Irani, yeh aapne kya kiya? Aapro Boman, who’s had his good and bad days, hit an ugly one in this Bomcom in the company of Vir Das ( jeepers creepers, not again), Neha Dhupia and Lisa Haydon. The joke was on the flick though. No cheers here, only jeers.

3) Veerappan

The burnt-out by his own aag, Ram Gopal Varma discovered an expressionless wonder, Sachiin Joshi,who reportedly bankrolled this retread of RGV’s Kannada take on the dreaded bandido. The lovely Lisa Ray fetched up as a undercover informant (or was it a spy?)-cum-huh?-landlady. No use. The jungle-mein-bungle drama was as avoidable as dental plaque, except for luckless souls like me who compile year-end frightmares.

4) Tera Surroor

One more please-retire-from-acting piece of evidence for Himesh Reshammiya. Momentarily titled Guns N’ Roses, perhaps fearing a lawsuit from the super rock band, it went through a renaming ceremony. Himesh bhai played a gangster (really, now) who admits that he spent a night and maybe one morning with a hooker. Horrified, his girlfriend zooms off to Dublin and is arrested on charge of drug running. Gangsterji must break her out of jail now and turns deathly pale.

What Shekhar Kapoor and Naseeruddin Shah were doing out here will remain more mysterious than a classic Agatha Christie whodun-what. Maybe, they wanted to see the sights of Dublin. Did they? Doubtful.

5) Mohenjo Daro

Director Ashustosh Gowariker, our very own Adonis Hrithik Roshan, a cameo by a toothy rubbery crocodile, A R Rahman’s music, a story intended to edify us on the ancient Indus valley civilisation and a limitless budget. What more could any sane Bollywood filmgoer want? Plenty as it turned out. The promos were ghastly enough. The entire 155-minute experience was worse, and that’s putting it politely.

6) A Flying Jatt

Director Remo D’Souza can surely make actors dance, yaaay. On superhero turf, however, he essentially goaded Tiger Shroff and Jacqueline Fernandez to collaborate on rescuing a strategically-located housing colony from the wrath of the menacing Kay Kay Menon and a renegade baddy over-enacted by Nathan Jones. Even the hysterics of the usually likeable Amrita Singh as Mother Colony, couldn’t save this Udta Jatt from being given the heave-ho from the ‘plexes.

7) Rock On 2

Et two, Farhan Akhtar? The co-producer and star of the sequel about a rockish band beset by ego and miscellaneous personality disorders, couldn’t get his gig together at all. Shraddha Kapoor strived to sing again. More fatally, the Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy muzak was an ear-sore.

8) Baar Baar Dekho

High hopes indeed! Why would anyone in his or her right mind want to wander into this time-travel mind-scrambler? Katrina Kaif looked haute enough, Siddharth Malhotra looked as dazed and confused as a kid spoilt for choice in a candy shop. Admittedly the Kaala Chashma number was cool but you could always watch it on Youtube, couldn’t you?

9) The Legend Of Michael Mishra

A small town crook –kidnapping, making scary faces – goes to jail. The screenplay doesn’t end there alas. He returns to look for the love of his life who has showbiz aspirations. The coosome twosome are incarnated by Arshad Warsi and Aditi Rao Hydari. Boman Irani (yeah, not a great year for him) attempts to raise tee-hees as Full Pant in the company of his real-life son, Kayoz, doing a Half Pant. Er, the zabardasti-karke jabs at humour had my knickers in a bunch.

10) Tutak Tutak Tutiya

Some alliterative title that. Prabhu Deva’s always worth a toe-tap. Not in this TTT-thingo though. Co-produced by actor Sonu Sood who also non-acts in this mess about Deva saab getting married to Tamannah Bhatia. Uh huh, she’s not his type it seems. Tables and chairs turn eventually, natch. Believe it or faint, there’s a touch of the supernatural too. Aargh, what were Sood and Deva eating. Dabba-ghost?