A fortnight and a little more has elapsed, but there’s this scene from Begum Jaan which has been haunting me (in a horrible way), keeping me awake at nights and quaking about where the movies have gone. Film banaane ke liye kuch bhi karega or what?
Downright distasteful and graphic in a ghastly, that scene of course isn’t the only one in my eons of movie-watching, has rattled me for its sheer abominable imagination. There are many, but for starters I’m about to subject myself to some self-therapy (and cure) to flush the worst scenes I’ve experienced in Bolly-land, out of my plumbing system. Suffer with me, if you will, in chronological order to the ten top ‘best’ of the worst.
1. Stripping in Begum Jaan
A gang of Dilli ke gande boys are chasing a young girl with you-know-what-on-their-garbage minds. Enters a saviour. An old lady, with a waxwork face (blame it on the make-up department) strips starkers against the backdrop of the national flag. We see the taunting face of the old lady and her legs. Believe it or faint, the newspaper ads for this film stated, “Don’t Miss the Beginning.” Not funny, not hard-hitting, just traumatic as much for the viewer as for the old lady.
2. Muddy Love in Rangoon
Kangana Ranaut, not quite a Fearless Nadia, wrestles with Shahid Kapoor in a wet mud patch which seriously resembled those created at Goregaon’s Film City. Kangshahi rock, roll and reel and then do the kiss biz. A clear case of Mud mud ke na dekh, mud mud ke. At least Kiss Specialist No. 1 Emraan Hashmi didn’t ever get this downright dirty.
3. Chuddy Bunny in Befikre
Or when yesteryear’s Diwale Dulhania Le Jayenge director Aditya Chopra lost his ooh-la-la plot in Paris. Ranveer Singh showing off his thang at an elegant soiree, wearing a Playboy bunny chuddy instead of a fig-leaf, merde! This vraiment wasn’t Paris when it sizzles, but Paris when it fizzles. Excusez s’il vous plait.
4. Big B and Pee in Shamitabh
A 2.29 min promo of the song Piddly si baatein, obviously approved by directorji R Balki, exhorts you to take a piddly break. Thank you, great suggestion, anything better than watching the great Amitabh Bachchan composing a song while seated on the potty. Note: issues with ablutions afflicting the characters portrayed by Bachchan were chronicled in Paa and Piku too. Nothing to beat the piddly promo or its pee-wee picturisation though.
5. Everything in Bombay Velvet
Sample, at your own risk. Anushka Sharma’s lipstick redder than a stop sign at a traffic signal. And Ranbir Kapoor’s mega-curled hair. Both these elements and the rest of this gangsta raag from Anurag Kashyap I may add, made by toes curl. The entire film was one baaaad scene, crowned by a close-up of Raveena Tandon about to break into a zzzzong n danzzzz.
6. Missing Keys in Ra.One
Shah Rukh Khan’s car keys land in a blonde woman’s cleavage. So our SRK, very innocently, glares at bleep bleep, and demands the keys. The blonde interprets the word “keys” for “kiss”, slaps the ogling one right across the face and calls him, “Pervert!” Kya Unkool Tha scene. A ka cannot do this to a ki, even if it’s for comedy, no? The rest of the movie was redeemed by its upscale special effect…uh oh…another cringe moment: SRK eating a hamburger doused in sambhar. Food food na raha, I guess.
7. Media Smoke Out in Raavan
A police officer smoking a cigarette is reading a newspaper carrying bad news about the abduction of Aishwarya Rai by a modern-day Raavan enacted by Abhishek Bachchan. So what does the cop do? We see his eyes through ashen black holes burnt by the cigaretted in the broad sheeter. Such a desecration of newsprint. What was Mani Ratnam smoking? Methinks he’s a ciggytotaller. So how come this visual? Or was this a suggestion to smoke out the media whom no one likes nowadays, except when they carry praise-praise stories?
8. Gabbar Nose It All in Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag
As if not more infuriating as Mr RGV’s tweets, this Sholay Bhature of a retake on Ramesh Sippy’s classic actioner, featured Amitabh Bachchan as Gabbar Singh. And I’m not sure if I hallucinated or held on to my nose, but there was this moment when the born-again Gabbar was shown digging deep into his nostrils, leaving me with the conclusion: guns and noses are a bad fit.
9. Anil’s Poop Bath in Nayak
Director Shankar might have been punishing Anil Kapoor for some mysterious reason. Dear AK was doused with poop (or was it chocolate sauce?) from head to toe. Consequently the actor sprinted all over an expansive city to clean himself up and get a fresh set of clothes. Er, Danny Boyle also had a BIG poop scene in Slumdog Millionaire : a pooped-upon kid runs up to a faux Amitabh Bachchan for an autograph. Heh heh. Some can carry off toilet jokes, Shankar bhai couldn’t.
10. Madhuri’s Big Bite in Anjaam
Avenging angel, Madhuri Dixit, has a score to settle with Tinnu Anand. Strides she into his home and (unintentionally) turns vampirical. The print of Rahul Rawail’s online today omits the scene in which she bites hard into Tinnu. All you see is that her lips are smeared with blood. In the original version, seen at a preview eons ago, La Dixit had made a seekh kabab meal out of Tinnu Anand. Mercy be, that Lady Dracula bite has been cut willingly or censored. The kabab memory hasn’t faded alas.
Confession: my sleeping disorders are made of these scenes.
(The writer is a film critic, filmmaker, theatre director and a weekend painter.)
(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)