36-24-36: Ladies, Describe Yourself the Way a Male Author Would

They like big butts (and breasts) and cannot lie.

Woman, you are an exotic riddle. 

(Photo: iStock) 

Woman, you are an exotic riddle. Even the way you pee deserves to be examined. Just ask the stash-twirling male authors (not all men, eh?) who’ve tried to describe you over the years.

Men, they were able to conjure it up immediately, that was one of their powers, that thunderous splashing as they stood lordly above the bowl. Everything about them was more direct, their insides weren’t the maze women’s were, for the pee to find its way through.

John Updike in <i>The Witches of Eastwick</i>

Speaking of a maze...

Remember when Chetan Bhagat debuted as a girl?

Bhagat said he got his leg hair waxed in order to “figure out girls”.

Maybe he was trying to awaken his inner consciousness to their experiences. What does it take for a male writer to sketch female sensibility?

Ideally, a lot of thought.

But, if history is any indication, I’d place my bet on the creme-de-la-creme of human existence – the penis. Remember DH Lawrence? Author Kate Millet had once described Lawrence’s work as one that tends to propose that "the possession of a penis is an accomplishment of such high order" that the lead in Lady Chatterly's Lover has his "divine nature [...] revealed and established through this organ alone."

Possession of penis = accomplishment of the highest order.

If the esteemed gentleman were alive and had his way, we’d have penis-shaped books, buildings, crockery and stationery. Such was his fascination with the power of the junk.

And as she walked at his side through the conquered city, she realised that it was the one enduring thing a woman can have, the intangible soft flood of contentment that carries her along at the side of the man she is married to. It is her perfection and her highest attainment.&nbsp;

DH Lawrence in <i>The Woman Who Rode Away And Other Stories</i>&nbsp;

How Male Authors Describe Women

When male authors describe women, what do the descriptions look like? Twitter users got it spot on.

You get the drift, right? There’s also this:

But most male authors tend to miss the point by a few miles. Here are some examples closer to home.

(She was) not like the ones you would stare at and fantasize about till you are blue and frothing at the mouth, but the ones you would take home to your mom.&nbsp;

Durjoy Datta in <i>Of Course I Love You ..! Till I Find Someone Better</i>

All hail the Kim-K of pop-lit!

All hail the Kim K of pop-lit, Durjoy Datta!

Last, but not the least.

Ultimately, it was fantasizing about deflowering Sonu, the haughty little memsahib, and having her in bed whenever I wanted to, that made me decide in favour of accepting the offer.

Khushwant Singh in <i>The Company of Women </i>

The Company of Women

This literary genius of a man gave us The Company of Women – a book that was primarily about the lead character’s sex-drive being the curse of his life. Where the women are “virgins’’ or “haughty memsahibs’’ he can’t wait to bed.

How many books can you think of/name that describe a man at his desk, moving his perfect junk to and fro?

Men, please try and understand women better. Yes, they have those “goddamn sexy legs’’, “amazing breasts” and “hourglass figures”. But there is so much more. So much, so much more.

If our authors aren’t listening, then who is?