Ira Gupta (name changed) fell in love. It was straightforward, with little drama. She met him while they were both getting their Master’s degree in England. They were together for two years and decided to get married after they both got decent jobs back in Delhi. Things were going swimmingly till she met the pandit who was going to conduct the wedding, one of those modern English-speaking types who explains what the rituals mean.
Ira, who describes herself as a feminist, wanted to call off the wedding when she figured exactly what Kanyadaan implied.
Modern Weddings: Bigger Than Ever
In 2014, the wedding industry stood at a whopping $40 billion. No longer traditional, old-fashioned affairs, weddings are getting bigger and more spectacular by the day.
Sangeets have DJs, professional cinematographers record the event and even live stream it on YouTube. The couple is celebrated, and speeches are given by the family.
Social Contract or Divinely Sanctioned Misogyny?
So what is a wedding really about? Is it a legal contract between two people who agree to share their lives together, or is it saat janam ka saath ordained by god and scripture?
There are very real legal, social and economic consequences to marriage beyond love and companionship. Wealth is shared, spouses have a right to each other’s property and divorce still carries with it a social stigma. Now this isn’t as scary and unromantic as it sounds. What is a bigger commitment than two consenting adults choosing to accept each other, flaws and all, in the eyes of society and the law? Without consequences, the act would have no meaning.
There is another side to weddings though – the rituals. And for some people, that’s where it gets problematic. Some of the rituals can be downright misogynist. Among Bengalis for example, the bride’s father touches the groom’s knees and asks him to “accept his burden”. In some South Indian weddings, there is the idea of Kasi Yatra, where the groom pretends to leave the wedding midway and the father of the bride must beg him to return.
In Maharashtrian weddings, the bride’s mother ritualistically washes the groom’s feet with her own hands upon his arrival at the venue.
The entire idea of Kanyadaan makes the bride something that is exchanged between two men, her father and her husband.
Now, for someone like Ira, all this was more than just a little problematic.
Thoda Sa Compromise
When Ira told her parents that she wanted the wedding to be a strictly legal affair (with a party to follow, of course) they did not take it well. Not exactly unreasonable people, they made a compelling argument.
Ira had chosen her life, her career and her groom, always supported by them. Her grandparents wouldn’t think of a court wedding as “really real”. Couldn’t she do both, law and ritual?
Ira agreed, with a caveat. No kanyadaan.
Compromises like this one are what a lot of women are opting for. Tradition isn’t just a collection of anachronistic rituals, it is an evolving, living thing that is often forced to move with the times.
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