26 June, 2016 – The man who runs the nation met the nation.
Prime Minister Narendra Modi met the noisiest embodiment of the country, its conscience-keeper, and the man who is the best thing to have happened to the sideburns after Elvis Presley – Arnab Goswami. The interview was dubbed genial and generic by irate social media and sour grapes-gobbling journalists. But everyone knows that when you land a scoop this enormous, it comes with a huge caveat.
The biggest one being that this will NOT be an interview to begin with – it is a comfortable backslapping chat between two men of equal consequence; one who was elected to run the country and the one who actually does. The Prime Minister will speak on precisely what he wants to speak on, and the journalist in question is validated as the person important enough to receive this communication. Nothing less, nothing more.
You would have to be incredibly naive or a Sagarika Ghose to expect more. Because the content of the interview doesn’t matter – its symbolic chest-thumping value does. And right now, Arnab’s chest is neck-to-neck with Mr Modi’s in the coveted 56-inch category (an unfortunate mix-up of metaphorical and real body parts but you get the gist.)
However, an exercise of this consequence cannot have been engineered without hectic parleys between the offices of both these powerful men and we have chanced upon a carefully drafted communiqué; A code of conduct, as it were, which formed the basis for this epochal interaction. We present a condensed version of it – this is an important document so consider yourself privileged.
A Deal That Was Struck!
The interview will begin with Arnab looking and sounding like he has found Nirvana. However, even in this beatific stage he is permitted to insert a few semi-gloating statements about how a sitting PM has never given an interview to a private news channel. The PM will smile meditatively through this outburst of boasting gratitude and spout a platitude on the size of the national media. Because, well... small talk.
As
the PM is vegetarian, Arnab will respect those sentiments and keep the
discussion almost entirely sattvic. No spice, little flavour, but entirely
wholesome. For the PM. Social media trolls will find it indigestible, however. Because, well... acidity.
There will be no attempt made to beef up the conversation with follow-up questions or hard facts. Because, well... beef.
At no stage will Arnab ask Mr Modi for tips on getting over jet lag even when the conversation dips into complete banality. Because, well... snarky.
On
foreign policy, Arnab will largely ask Mr Modi why both Pakistan and China are
such naughty boys. Mr Modi will give his best impression of a resigned school
teacher and Arnab will cluck in sympathy. Because, well... we have to at least
pretend it is an actual interview.
No Interruptions
Mr Modi will talk in a freewheeling fashion on black money, irrigation, global warming and a tribal woman who sold four goats to construct a toilet. What Arnab does at this point of time – we will never know, because the camera rarely cuts back to him. Because, well... photogenic PM.
The few instances when the camera does go back to Arnab briefly, he is advised to giggle gently and compliment the PM on his sense of humour. The PM says that so dire is the situation that he no longer cracks jokes. But er, Sir, aren’t you running the situation, is the question Arnab will choose not to ask. Along with the question on Raghuram Rajan’s second term. Because, well... uncomfortable.
Arnab will not interrupt at any given point except for general sounds of approval. It is reliably learnt that this clause was welcomed profusely by the man, as his larynx is severely overworked. In fact, it is reliably learnt that Mr Modi was privately thanked for his compassion. Because, well... sweet.
No Game of Thrones spoilers will be discussed and if Arnab has seen the season finale before Mr Modi, the interview will be cancelled. Because, well... are you for real?!!
The last clause, we believe, was the toughest to be negotiated and only deft manoeuvring of the PM’s schedule and severe superhuman self-control by Arnab made this possible.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece, based on the author’s imagination.
(The writer is a broadcast and television production professional, and an author. She can be reached at @nowme_datta)
Also Read: Arnab-Modi Interview: Heralding Indian Media’s Pravda-isation