Sexolve 12: “I Have Lost Interest in Boys, Am I a Lesbian?”

Your questions on sex, sexuality and relationships answered

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint. It is also a part The Quint’s #MakeOutInIndia campaign, which is an effort to bring all taboo topics on sexuality out there – no beeping out, no brushing under, no cliches of the ‘land of Kama Sutra and Khajuraho’. Just an open celebration of all matters of sex.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you.

Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

Dear RainbowMan,

I’m  a final year student who belongs to a very conservative family in Haryana. I’m afraid I’ve lost interest in boys. I don’t find any guy sexually attractive not anymore. I don’t feel anything no matter how intimate I am with a guy . It’s nothing when I kiss a guy. Nothing! But I can’t stop myself from  noticing a girl. It’s not new, I’ve been into girls since I could first remember but I was into guys too.  My first time was with a girl and now I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or bisexual. Help me here. Is it just a phase?

- Su, North India

Dear Su,

I understand what you are going through. When I was your age, I went through the same sort of dilemma. I wanted to define my life. I wanted to give my feelings a name, a sexuality, and I failed.. But I also need to tell you that with time, it healed. I could very clearly see that I was attracted to men. Give yourself time. I wouldn’t say “it is just a phase” but I would definitely ask you to give it time to manifest itself. You yourself will know soon. Give it time. Enjoy life as it comes. Don’t compartmentalise your love. Don’t let it be defined by a mere word. You will be sure, what you wish to identify as in due course of time… and even if you don’t, it is fine. Not everything has a name. Love is such.

Love

Rainbowman

Dear RainbowMan,

I am 18 and gay. I think I have a flair for counselling. How do I get into it? I mean I don’t want to be a professional counsellor, but just somebody who helps other people understand their sexuality and gender.  How do I do it?

- Mr Keen

Dear Keen,

I love your keenness to get into counselling. At your age, most people spend time dreaming about wanking off to their favourite film star’s photo. Nothing wrong with that, but really great that you are thinking of using your skills productively to help people. You said, you didn’t want to get into professional counselling, but if you wish to there are many courses that will help. Now coming to your question, I think more than offering any solution or therapy, listening is something that you should focus on. The world has a lot of empty gyan-givers, we don’t need any more. When you listen, actively by intonating at the right moments by gesturing at the right time, you give the confessor a sense of belonging in you. I do that. I am not a professional counsellor either.

Also, I have to add a caveat here. If you do listen to many and for too long, there are chances that you get drained and need a recharge. Give yourself a break at times. You don’t want to  be a counsellor, but you can do with a counsellors assistance at times.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

Dear RainbowMan,

Can you tell me how much of sperm should I deposit inside my wife to make her pregnant. She doesn’t get pregnant, I think there is some problem with her. I have been married since the past 6 years.

- TruckLoad

Dear Truckload,

I am sorry?  What did you really write? DEPOSIT? Is your sperm some kind of cheque that you will “deposit inside”?  If you and your partner, both want a child, you should do better things than “depositing” sperm. It only takes one sperm to make a child, nature doesn’t need a swimming pool of sperms.

You both should seek professional help before assuming that the “problem is with her”. Who are you to presume that? What are you - a doctor or a fake astrologer? Go find yourself a doctor. Get yourself tested. There are chances that you have low sperm count. She should also get herself tested if she needs a child. You do have the option of adoption… remember that.

Regards,

RainbowMan

PS: Some men give all men a bad name. Hope you don’t turn out to be that man.